“Our children need to know they are precious in the sunshine and the rain.”
-Dr. Karyn Purvis
We’ve finally got a ramp for “Grandpè Jim” to drive his scooter up, so we’re looking forward to having him over for a visit this week. This will be the first time he’s seen their barn in person, and I know Steevenson will be so excited to give him the tour. He knows where everything will go (bed, TV, toilet, refrigerator, closet, table, etc), and when the workers aren’t there, he talks us through it all…repeatedly. 🙂
He was very excited about having his picture made while he was “working” on the barn, too. He wanted to wear my shoes on top of his sandals for a while, but took them off after seeing them in the pictures on the back of our camera. I guess he thought they weren’t “Bob the Builder” enough. 😉
We have been having lots of fun together, but I will be honest, this past weekend was very hard. Steevenson tested boundaries (and our patience 😛 ) and we worked through countless behavioral challenges. In hundreds of ways, and underneath the emotions, I think he was probably asking, ‘Do you see me?’, ‘Do you hear me?’, ‘Are you in control?’, ‘Am I safe with you?, ‘Will you love me no matter what?’.
My prayer tonight (and every night from here on out) is that he will experience deep levels of healing as he processes his fears and adjusts to his new surroundings. That he will feel precious…in the sunshine and the rain, and that God’s unending faithfulness and tender mercies will continue to carry all three of us through.
Karlene
The pictures are adorable! I can only imagine what goes through his mind, this is major life changing stuff he is dealing with. Role modeling, guiding and disciplining can be challenging, but he needs to learn his limits unfortunately it takes time! I learned from teaching and with grandchildren that they need to learn to make good choices. and their behavior is always a choice between good or bad behaviors. When my grandson clearly tries to do something he knows he shouldn’t I have found asking if he is a good boy works! He makes the right choice and I thank him for the good choice and give him a kiss! You will discover strategies that work for you!
Every stage is only temporary!
montanahappy.com
I love your honesty. Your love for your son will carry you through every hurdle.
The barn is beautiful!
Teresa
This too shall pass. It was our motto through every tough stage of parenting our girls. Have faith, he will come to trust that he is safe and loved and that you guys are his forever. (((hugs))) Be sure to take care of yourselves too. Your strength will become his.
Jeanna
Poor little guy! Reach out to your friends who have adopted to see what worked for them in these rough, early days. Keep praying, it will all work out 🙂
Gina
Layla, thank you again for letting us all in to the challenges. I can’t help but mention the book “The Connected Child” by Dr. Karyn Purvis. I’m guessing you have already read or at least have heard of this one. So many things about y’all’s journey have been similar to the story of our dear friends, who also adopted their sweet son internationally a few years ago and have said that this book has been a true lifesaver for them. Praying it can be, or has been, an encouragement and help to you in some way.
Kristine
Ah prayers! Parenting is exhausting. You are doing great already, just knowing he needs boundaries. Blessings to you all.
Kristine
Stacey Keeling
Boundaries are what it’s all about to make a child feel safe. You’re doing great!
Linda
You are so wise! Yes, he is wanting to know that you will love him NO MATTER WHAT. We’ve had our daughter for 15 year now and there are still times she has to know that there is NOTHING she can do or say that will take our love away.
donna
Ah the joys of parenting. 🙂 James Dobson calls what Steevenson’s doing “flopping his bony toe over the line”.
I highly recommend a book by a Christian author Kevin Leman. It’s titled “Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours”. Great book on natural consequences.
I love, love, love the pictures of Steevenson “working” on the bungalow. Thanks for sharing those with us.
Kris
I also found Kevin Leman’s book helpful. You have more challenges than do those of us who haven’t adopted–such an abrupt adjustment for all of you! It will work out, I’m sure of it. I found the toddler/preschooler years to be very challenging and, at times, frustrating. Another book that I found to be invaluable was Love and Logic by Jim Fay and Foster Cline. Many of the concepts were similar to Kevin Leman’s, but for some reason, it was easier for me to understand them when I read Love and Logic. Prayers!
Jessica
Layla — praying for you so much! I have been so thrilled for y’all these last few weeks. Our little guy has been home from the Philippines for four months now and the first few weeks (really 2 months) home were so wonderful and hard and exhausting as he figured out his new world. There will always be rain and sunshine, but thankfully we have Jesus to see us through both 🙂
Kristi
I’m sure you already know this but boundary testing is his way of slowly letting you into his heart. He doesn’t know it but he’s had to guard it up until now & he tests those boundaries to make sure you won’t go away. Hang in there you are doing great!!
Terry
One more thing…the school district where I taught 4 and 5 year olds has a newcomers center for those English language learners. Your school district may offer some services for him. Also, story time at the library is a time to be with other children for a short time while you wait outside the door or even in the room with him. Also, you can take a loose leaf notebook and put things in page protectors for him to
“Read”…such as Sears logo, Arby’s, McDonalds, Vanilla Wafers, Campbell’s soup wrapper…things like a stop sign photo. Then when he rides or shops, he will feel confident naming these things.
Annie
Boundary testing is, for me, the hardest part of parenting. You will get lots of (unsolicited) advice, but all I will tell you is that it’s normal, maddening, frustrating, admirable (it’s an excellent quality in an adult later in life). Ultimately, you have to find the best way to enforce them for your child, specific to who he is and what he needs. My son does not do well with any inch given on certain rules. Ever. We are back to square one. My daughter can do exceptions and get back on track easily. So to anyone who says there is one way to handle it or parent – ignore them. You will become the expert on your child.
During this time of extreme adjustment for all of you, be gentle with yourself and know that you will all fail at times. That’s ok and part of the journey. That’s all for my unsolicited advice. Good luck, and when in doubt, go outside. 🙂
rose l.
Looks like he will enjoy doing some projects! Enjoy him and cherish all memories created.
Julia
Parenting through the rain and sunshine can be exhausting. Praying for all of you! I love the pictures of Steevenson working on the building!
Rebecca Schwem
Being honest as you are will carry you a long long ways. Always be in touch with your expectations in order to make sure they are realistic. Unrealistic expectations can cause a lot of unnecessary stress. Pace yourself. He’s a very fortunate little boy to have you and Kevin as parents.
Jenny
Layla,
I skimmed the comments that have already posted and feel I don’t have a lot more contribute other than this…do not be surprised if you have moments when you say to yourself “I can’t do this!” And you will question yourself…”How can I think that when I’ve been waiting so long to parent this little boy?” Once you allow yourself to feel something that feels so uncomfortable you will realize that, of course, you can do it. And each time that happens, you will feel even more solid in your parenting shoes. And years later you will be amazed not just by your son’s evolution, but yours as well. ❤️to you, Kevin and Steevenson.
Karen
I found a Christmas ornament that had the number 3 on it, followed by smaller letters that said, “The Boss.” After having kids and now two grand kids, I laughed, it is so true. Good luck, and remember you are the boss. Kids like boundaries.
Beth
While reading the previous posts, I see we all experience frustrations with boundaries as parents…..at every age!!! It’s tough to muddle through but consistency, love and Gods blessings soften the bumpy roads. Steevenson is absolutely precious and the pictures of him “building ” are priceless..I’m so happy for you xo
Amanda in ATL
Not sure if you read my comment last week about “time IN” instead I’d time out. We went through a rough patch where our daughter tested if we were going to love her no matter what. It was also when she was having to learn English and she was stressed out with all of the newness of pretty much every aspect of her life.
Time IN simply means holding him in your lap, facing away from you, for the allotted minutes per age. He will fight you the first half, but typically relax/surrender the last minute. This will improve with time. This method allowed us to hold her and be firm at the same time. The language thing makes it rough for the entire family. She would get so frustrated when we didn’t understand what she was trying so hard to tell us.
Prayers for smoother days!
Judy Trigo
That you are giving him boundaries is a gift to his future. You are paving the way for him to succeed wherever he goes. God Bless you all.
Sherrie
I know you probably receive so much information… But here is a little that helped our family and is continuing to help our children to feel connected, safe and bonded. 1. We live our family therapist. She is an angel helping us walk through the journey. 2. Read: The Connected Child. 3. Karyn Purvis videos (she is a researcher for TCU)… I noticed you are quoting her so maybe you already are reading her stuff, but it has made a world of difference for our family. Especially with our two kids with RAD.
Enjoy making memories.
(Also, I found with foster care that the first six weeks are kind of like the first six weeks with with a colicky baby and then things start to settle into a routine.)
Angels are around you, lifting you up on this journey. You are doing a great work.
Sherri Givens
Have you heard of the study of a fenced playground? A child development professor told it to our class.
The adults noticed that during recess the children ran to the fence that enclosed their playground. They played right at its edge and even tried climbing up the fence. It appeared they felt confined and wanted out. The adults wanted to give the children freedom to explore, and so the fence was removed. The next day the children were dismissed from class to recess and found the fence gone. Rather than the expected behavior, the adults were surprised to watch the children stay very close to the building. They no longer ran free from one end of the playground to the other. The conclusion was that boundaries afford safety and freedom and provide a place to explore and grow.
Good job, mama! You and Kevin are providing a safe place and communicating such love and care to your little guy. I think it’s exactly what our good God does for us.
gb
As a retired educator I applaud you & your husband for setting boundaries. All children want & expect them. Bless both of you for recognizing this & surrounding Steevenson in your love for him by letting him know that he is safe within the boundaries you are setting for him.
Mindy
Oh what a precious last paragraph to this post! Continued prayers for the three of you as your journey on. Loves…
Gina
Praying with you!!
Angie Miller
This is a true story: Two adult friends of mine were best friends growing up. One girl’s parents were strict, the other’s very relaxed. She had no rules at all when it came to homework, school, curfew, dating etc. Both girls grew up to be productive adults with jobs, and became wives and mothers. The one without rules told me that when she was young, she didn’t think her parents loved her because they didn’t care what she did or what happened to her. She envied her best friend with the strict parents, because they cared and loved her.
Keep up the good work. Boundaries are a good thing. 🙂 Also, welcome to the real world of parenthood! It’s the hardest, but also most fulfilling and rewarding job in the world. God Bless you all!
Sharon Stinson
Layla, what a joy it is to see sweet Steevenson truly home and I know you are all working hard (including him, from the pictures!) to build a solid, safe, loving foundation on which he feels free to be rooted, to grow and to blossom. There will be rough days, yes, but you and your family are so covered in prayer by so many! Couldn’t help but think of a dear couple of friends who are raising 4 small kiddos, ages 5, 3, and a pair of twins age 15 mos! The precious 3 yr old is their biggest challenge and her momma has recently blogged about the book The New Strong-Willed Child by James Dobson being a much-helpful resource. So just wanted to pass that along to perhaps keep in your “toolbox” if needed in future. 🙂 Meanwhile, may the Lord continue to bless and keep you all. <3
Gayle
I love your honesty, you are teaching all of us. This is early on and your boy needs to know who you are and what your boundries are. I would love to be part of your lives and you are allowing us to be! God bless you all.
Amy
Hey Layla,
I love the quote! I agree with it completely.
I am thinking though, that there are many, countless adults who could stand to feel this way as well.
Thankfully I know that my Heavenly Father loves me this way, but there have been times I have had to remind myself of this.
It certainly makes a difference in my heart and mind to know it as Truth. I haven’t always believed this about Him. I was one that felt loved only on the sunny days.
I am agreeing with your prayer. It is a beautiful, heartfelt momma prayer. Those are some of the best prayers prayed.
Annie
He looks like he’s having so much fun! I was vey surprised when my kids school had them using all sorts of tools, but then I remembered that I had used saws and hammers and drills in preschool in the late 70s. The key is to have a great bench clamp so his hands are away, use goggles for eye protection. You can even still buy hand driven drills!!!
Of course, now my house is full of scrap wood creations, and we had to build a new bookshelf to display them all. Sigh.
Thank you for being honest about the challenges. So many people hide them away, which just makes everyone feel like a failure, instead of normal. I saw a couple of people recommend books which aren’t so great for adopted kid, so keep that in mind. Dobson, in particular would be pretty bad for your developing relationship. One can be very firm and very loving at the same time!
Some books I found useful were “becoming the parent you want to be” and “how to listen so your kids will talk, etc”. And a greater nternet reaource is anything on “emotion coaching” – it’s basically helping them learn to have healthy emotions and a healthy relationship with their emotions. For example, I say my kid can’t have a cookie, kid melts down, I help them learn to deal with the emotions they’re feeling without giving in, without supressing them, and without shaming them. This sort of thing is very useful when a child like Steevenson is dealing with grief but can’t be allowed to run rings around you. Emotion coaching helps him deal with his core feelings, and also for you to help him feel secure with boundaries.
Annie
I found a good, short summary about how you do emotion coaching. (I figure you don’t have time or emotional energy for googling things right now!). I guess you probably covered it in your training, though.
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/raising_happiness/post/emotion_coaching_one_of_the_most_important_parenting_practices_in_the_histo
Elizabeth
My eyes literally welled up with tears seeing him on your blog. I’ve been with you for many years and seeing him finally home with you…just makes me so thankful. That boy is blessed beyond measure that he has you has his parents. You will know patience beyond anything you have ever experienced before. I have no fear that you are well up to the task. I truly am so very happy for you!!
Stacey
Hi Layla,
Stevenson is so precious and focused on his tasks! I definitely recommend the Love and Logic books, but I also have a perspective as a grandmother who is raising a grandchild who had some trauma before she came to us at 18 months. We did a lot of attachment work with our girl. Love, love, love. Made sure we were there to reassure her that her needs would be met and that she could trust us. Stevenson’s bonds with his caretakers have been severed, and he has a huge task which includes bonding with you and mourning for those he loved before. You are wise to know that the testing is his way of making sure he can trust the constancy of your love and that you will keep him safe with healthy boundaries. It is so worth the work, and the rewards will fill your hearts to overflowing. We now have a lovely high school freshman, and I could not be happier or prouder. Much love to your family.
Sherri
I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be taken from really the only place you’ve ever known and to live in a totally different environment with new people, new languages, new everything. He’s got so much love from you and Kevin and others. He’s got a whole lot of people rooting for him and praying for him!
indogirl
From one adoptive parent to another, hang on 🙂 And find every resource that helps…not necessarily books (although the right one(s) can be game changers), but a cup of coffee while sitting silently by yourself first thing in the morning, a walk outside daily, date nite w/ friends or your hubby, having someone over to create a little mental space for yourself. Steevenson is beautiful and a miracle, just like my little guy, but oh the ends of myself he has taken me to. I often times didn’t really like myself. Didn’t recognize the angst that was revealed in me. Yet, almost four years later, we are doing great, but I nearly lost heart early on. I sought out help everywhere I could get it, including counseling and adoptive parents support groups. My sweet boy considers me his favorite grown-up 🙂 Shocking considering the hard days, but miraculous when I consider God’s grace and how much my boy needs me. I also have a great support system in my husband and mom. My older son has been awesome too. Day by day, minute by minute, second by second. Thanks for sharing honestly. That takes courage. You’re going to do great. That child loves you. You have great insight into where the behaviors are coming from. Wishing you well from Oregon 🙂 🙂 Praying too!
Melinda
Layla, I’m so thankful for your transparency : ) My family has fostered 5 children in the past. This past year from September 2015 to August 2016 we fostered 3 brothers, the youngest was 3 and turned 4 in January. The boys were placed with us on a Friday and that Saturday I believe the little one had already had 3 time outs by 7:30 in the morning – whew! My advice to you is never waver on what is not acceptable behavior, be consistent, dig your trench and get in it knowing that in the long haul it will pay off. Try to not be emotional about it (so hard : ( that’s where my husband excels : ) and you will slowly see good results taking root. You are so right, these little guys don’t know exactly what’s happening but with consistency and love you will demonstrate the stability that he now has permanently. By the time he left our sad hearts to go live with a family member he was such a joy and very easy to manage. Don’t get me wrong, he can still have a good fit, but he changed immensely over the course of the months we had him. And oh so loving! His grandmother has thanked us many times for working with him last year. I hope that this encourages you even a little. It may be hard at first but it WILL get easier and more natural. Just get through one day at a time. One more thing – one crazy night early on last fall my husband and I literally felt that we were wrestling with “powers and principalities” not of God (Eph 6:12) while we were trying to put the boys to bed. While everyone was in his bed and my husband was struggling to keep the little guy in bed, on a whim, I pulled out my phone and played from youtube a ” God of wonders” video by third day with all the pretty nature pictures and heavenly lights. Instantly the boys were mesmerized and calmed down. From then on every single night we would start with that song and often I would incorporate other Christian spirit filled songs to infiltrate their thoughts and dreams. This was one of the biggest highlights of their stay with us. And sometimes when they would least expect it I might throw in “you’re a mean on Mr. Grinch” at Christmas time or a silly Veggie-tales song : )
Layla, God bless your little family. God has put you together for a reason. Thank you for your spirit filled blog and for the light I see in you. Sincerely, Melinda
Jill T
Wise momma to understand how he needs time to process and trust. Also, it’s not yet really home to him yet. But where God is there in the midst of you there is peace. It might be something you need to trust is there when it is clearly not evident by your feelings.
By the way, I am assuming it will take time for you two to adjust as well. May God bless the rearing of this new family.
Jill T
Additionally, a friend of mine writes about strong willed kids/learning styles. Her name is Cynthia Ulrich Tobias. It saved me many times when I just couldn’t see why my daughter and I butted heads so often. We simply processed differently. (simply she says, Ha!) Keep her on your resource list.
Annie
Jill, I just read some of Cynthia Ulrich Thomas’ work, and it is wonderful! She is doing good work in the world.
Jill T.
She is quite a woman. I admire her a great deal. She comes from a wonderful family of faith. Her parents are two of my many faith heroes. She opened up a new perspective for me that changed how I relate to my daughter and to my husband as well.
We all process things differently. Understand what someone is saying, differently. Learning about how we relate and learn and process information is so key to good, strong relationships.
Sharyl
Layla,
Another good book is Raising the Spirited Child. With our 4 adopted children now teenagers…its been a wild ride and you are right on. They test and want to see what it will take to reject them.
One thing I would do when they were children was almost whisper…they would fuss and cry and what not…but they would stop if I whispered or spoke in a quiet tone.
Something to consider. Let me know if you would like books…I have lots that I am willing to share.
Sharyl in ND
GumTree
Transitioning kids home is big adjustment with lots of difficult emotions that I imagine they told you a bit about in your training. It gets easier though. At least it has for the four toddlers that transitioned to mine and I bet with all the love and work that you put into helping him that it will get better and easier for the three of you too.
beachcomber
adorable!
Tiffany
Bless you! What a huge adjustment for all of you. I have complete faith that because of your good heart and your faith in Him who knows all, you will figure this out. Be patient with yourself and give yourself all the credit you deserve. The hard times are hard, but always remember “…this too shall pass.” You are an amazing, STRONG person and you’ve got this!
Nancy
You are all in my prayers. What a precious gift you family is to each other. God has the three of you in His palm.
Catherine
God bless you and your new family. Praying for you all and know that God will bless your family and help you with all these new challenges.
Ariel
Transitions are the hardest things for children, adopted or not. Try to be aware of the routine you set and stick to it. He will grow to love it and depend on it. When my daughter, now 16, was Steevenson’s age, she sometimes would act out. When I looked back on her day, I would realize that I had not followed her routine. Meals had been late, nap had been skipped or taken on the fly, etc. This was the hardest part of parenthood for me because I considered myself kind of a free spirit before (go ahead and laugh! I do regularly at the thought), but routine is still a really important and wholesome discipline for our family. We veer away from it and come back to it again. Enjoy the days with your precious, darling, adorable little guy! They go fast.
Cheri
LAYLA, AND HUBBY,
YOU ARE DOING A WONDERFUL JOB. I READ MOST OF THE REMARKS, AND THEY ARE RIGHT ON. AS WITH FOSTER CHILDREN, HE’S TESTING YOU, YOUR LOVE, YOUR LIMITS. HANG IN THERE, AND KNOW GOD WILL CARRY YOU, AND GUIDE.
I THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR SWEET FAMILY. EVERYDAY I LOOK FORWARD TO SEE HOW THINGS ARE GOING. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. GOD BLESS.
CHERI
Sandra
The three of you are in my thoughts and prayers as you all transition into what your lives mean now. What a journey you have been on, and what a journey you have yet to experience.
I am so incredibly awed by the love you have bestowed on this little boy, and by his amazing resilience. How different North America must be to him.
As a mom, I know certain times can test your patience. “Steady Eddie” and “firm but fair” have been my regular go-to’s when times get tough, and we all get through it. Most important is love. Not blind love, but love that is true, clear and honest.
Kathy K
Your sweetie is a little scared and nervous and understandably so. This too shall pass.
But honestly Layla, he’s fine. He’s playing, talking, being assertive. All excellent!!
Children love boundaries, it makes them feel safe and it also helps them recognize when something isn’t right. Stay strong girl! Truthfully, 4 year olds do start to question everything and their brains are developing a real sense of right and wrong. Trust me, he’ll call you out if you make a mistake. I swore (Sh**) in front of my son, he told me that that was a bad word and I wasn’t allowed to use “that” word! As soon as my husband walked in from work, he felt it was necessary to inform him of the incident. That was 4 hours later by the way. I had to apologize several times.
Maybe introduce super hero movies and costumes to him. Best time ever when they go through this phase. (4-10 years old) They really believe! Check out Captain America over at Pioneer woman. (Todd)
Priceless
Mah
Pick your battles carefully.
kristy
Everyday is a challenge and a blessing. It sounds like kids (adopted or otherwise) need this type of confirmation. It is tough but the best work you will ever do. It will ebb and flow – easy and hard – but doesn’t life in general work this way?