“Speak to your children as if they are the wisest, kindest, most beautiful and magical humans on earth, for what they believe is what they will become.”
―Brooke Hampton
May 19th will mark nine months since we brought our Sonny boy home. WOW! On one hand, it’s hard to believe it’s been that long, but on the other, there have been so many more emotions attached to each and every one of those days.
And now, when I think back on these eight months as a whole, it occurs to me that we experienced big shifts about every two months. The first two were pretty traumatic, the next two were pretty turbulent, and the two after that were tough…but noticeably less traumatic and less turbulent than the other four.
Months 7 and 8, however, felt a bit like a tipping point. Like all the little things we did to build trust throughout the first six, (many of which Steevenson fought against hard) have finally started to soak into his shaken little psyche. Praise the Lord!
We’re all still sleeping in our (king-sized) bed together, because he still struggles with fear of “people coming to get him” at night, and sleeping on the floor next to his twin-sized bed quickly got the best of our forty-two year old backs. 😛 Kevin and I usually take turns going to sleep with him (so that the other can go downstairs and work), but we do both go to bed with him at least a couple nights a week because Sonny always makes sure we remember that that’s his “favorite”. 🙂
The other night, after discovering that it was going to be a two-parent tuck-in night, he immediately pulled us in to a super tight family hug. He held us together by our necks so that our cheeks were pressed against his. He requested kisses, “lots of them”, on his head and face, and of course Kevin and I were happy to oblige. We told him we loved him so much, and that we were so happy he was our Sonny. We tell him that same thing at least a couple of times every day, and he usually tells us he loves us “so much!” too, but this time he responded with something different.
He pleaded, “Please protect me mama and daddy!”
It caught me off guard. There was so much fear and fragility in his voice. We hugged him harder and assured him that we would always protect him. We continued to cover his head in kisses and went on and on about how happy we were that God made him our Sonny.
His next question flattened us. He said, “You’re not going to throw me away?“.
My heart split. I swear, I literally felt it break in two. His face was still buried in our necks when he said it, and I have never in my life wanted to reassure someone so swiftly and so deeply as I did in that moment.
We spent the next several moments comforting him, (he also wanted to make sure we weren’t going to “throw him outside in the dark“) and after we read his favorite book, the three of us fell asleep in a pile on Kevin’s side of the bed.
He hasn’t said either sentence since, but we’ll be ready to reassure if he ever opens up in that way again.
_______________________________________________
So months 7 and 8 brought with them a little more trust, and lot more vulnerability, and what felt like beyond bone-deep healing for our wise, kind, beautiful, magical little human.
The enormity of the blessing and responsibility it is to parent him is not lost on me, and with each passing month, I feel even more passionately devoted to speaking Truth and pouring Love into him.
With everything in me, I want him to believe in permanence. I want him to believe in his preciousness. For what believes, is what he will be.
Poor baby! Those silent fears…wow. I am so glad that you are filling his days with love and devotion and reassurance.
Wow! Such a powerful thing. Thank you for sharing. Is there a way for me to share this to Facebook? I cannot see a link. I oversea an adoption group facebook page and I’d like to share this there.
That quote is so beautiful, Layla. Your sweet Sonny boy is so adorable. You are so amazing to share each step after the adoption process with us. It must be so hard to see him struggle with these fears but he’s so lucky to have you and Kevin as his parents. xx
Wow, those are some tough things to hear as a parent but I am glad that Sonny is revealing his deepest fears and that you are able to minister to him with your abounding love. You are doing an amazing job with him. Thank you for sharing.
To hear your boy express those fears must have gripped your heart and made you hold your breath. I know that he will be safe and grow to be a fine young man with you to show him the way. Sending hugs to you all. X
Oh my, how did you not burst into tears? He must have still carried The thought that you might “throw him away” even after all this time. And then most of the time he is filled with sunshine, smiles and love! Its hard to imagine what all they think about, thankfully he is willing to share his thoughts with you!
You are doing a great job! Fear in a child is only protected by those who love & care for them! You & Kevin are doing just that ❤️I love the quote and hope you don’t mind that I share on my Facebook page!
I immediately thought of the verse Layla! I will be praying this for Sonny specifically. “So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten.”
Joel 2:25a
Our God will restore what the enemy has robbed this poor boy of, He will give him beauty for ashes. Thankful he has parents who are willing to patiently love, guide and support him through all his fears and anxieties.
Thank you for sharing 💙
Oh Layla, I burst into tears when I read Sonny’s words! I could picture it all so clearly… It was surely so hard and confusing for him to leave behind the only security he’d known at Three Angels and to try to let himself trust the people who took him away from that…I’ve learned so much through the process you’ve shared, and I’m really thankful you’ve been able to help your readers understand some of what is involved in rebuilding a little life. You’ve walked in deep valleys with your little son, helping him through the scary places, and I hope you’ve felt the Lord walking with you in the same valleys, helping you and Kevin through the scary places, too… Thanks so much for sharing this special, heart-wrenching but lovely moment with us…. XOXO
He must feel very secure with you to be able to share his fears. You have come such a long way with him in those 9 months and hahave started to build wonderful foundations for his future. Thank you for sharing, your story has touched me all along and I am so pleased to see your wonderful Sonny grow.
God’s purpose shines so brightly in this moment with your son. Steevenson was made for you. And you and Kevin were made for him.
Ugh… This breaks and heals the heart simultaneously. The fact that he can put these feelings of terror into words means that you are creating a haven where he is safe to voice this deep fear. But it makes one wonder what he has seen or heard in his short life. Who and what caused this? You are healing his heart, his soul, his mind. What wonderful parents you are. God bless you always and forever!
God bless your family! There are hardly words to speak of this most Holy journey you are on with your child. You are literally saving another human being. Surely God chose you and Kevin as He knew you could give Sonny just what he needed. Your honesty and emotion clearly shine through the words you share with us.
Layla,
I couldn’t say more than all these lovely women have spoken into you..esp Sarah E’s.
Motherhood is the most challenging, stretching, rewarding, blessed gift God has given, and even more so in your case.
Once that trust is firm and sure, and as you teach him to trust in the One above, for even us parents fall sometimes, his foundation will be Rock solid.
Happy Almost Mama’s Day!
I believe God knew what he was doing when he sent this pre ions little boy into your lives. How lucky for all of you! Prayers for continued strength and understanding.
Yes! We do feel incredibly lucky and blessed that God chose us to be his mama and daddy! 🙂 Thank you so much for your prayers!
Tears in my eyes. Steevenson is lucky to have you as his parents and you are lucky to have him. Praying for you guys.
Thank you, sweet Claudia. XO
Milestones – that’s what I think you’ve made with Steevenson. For him to be open enough to share his fears with you is the most awesome thing. Sad to think of what makes him feel these feelings, but I suppose when he thinks about not being with his birth family, this is the result. Little minds have lots of questions.Time will surely ease his heart and bring him totally to the realization that he was WANTED, and that is a better place to be!
Well, he was so little (1) when he lost his birth family, I don’t think he thinks about not being with them…yet. Those will be some challenging conversations I’m sure, but we’ll continue to lean on the Lord for guidance as we journey on with our precious babe.
I have no words (tears at the moment) but will continue to pray for y’all and that little man. I know he is in for a full, wonderful life with you and Kevin as parents. You may not see it in the moment but from afar, Steevenson is walking with the Lord daily because He is with you two, walking daily. What a testimony all of you already have in this short time. Big hugs.
Hi Layla,
I think Steevenson is just the sweetest-I am so glad you and Kevin have such loving hearts and he knows that. When you were talking about the sleeping situation, I immediately though of my own children and sleeping issues, not the same situation as Steevenson of course, but maybe something to try? We always had music playing softly in the background before bed and it would remain on all night.( I always set it to MPR!)Once they were in bed and heard the music, they fell asleep right away-it was almost like it triggered sleep and calm. Even to this day with teenage boys-if they can’t sleep they say that the music helps. Any way just a thought as Steevenson really seems to love music-music is also very therapeutic.
Oh my goodness! It was difficult to read this post without crying. I can’t even imagine what strength it took for you and Kevin to handle the situation without dissolving in a puddle – but you did! And sweet Sonny is surely stronger too because of your loving reassurances. One can never pour too much love and assurance of protection and security into a child. Thank you again for sharing your journey. As you round each corner and climb each hill as a family, how wonderful to know the Lord is fully with you (and we are too, in prayer) – keep walking, keep climbing, keep loving… <3
I sooo wish the adoption process didn’t take so long, and that you were able to get him after that day you first saw him on the computer and decided he was the one. I wonder if it wouldn’t be so much better for the children and they could adjust better. I hope things will fall into place quickly.
Your patience with his fears speaks just as loudly as your words. There is Nothing more powerful than love! Your family is a beautiful picture of what Christ does for us.
I had tears welling up as I read and then my heart… it broke and broke again. Oh, how tough that would have been to hear. I hear my daughter’s concerns–when they have heartbreak and I know the PAIN that is felt. You and Kevin are such a gift to Steevenson. May God continue to bless your family. <3
OH, my, I am sitting at my desk at work crying!! I just want to give little Sonny a hug! I just know in a few years when you re read your post, you will say with each passing day that fear was less and finally there was none! God Bless you all!!
You two are wonderful parents and he is blessed to have you both!!
Wow! Don’t we all have those doubts sometimes??? And the gift of grace is that Steevenson is trusting you with his deepest, darkest thoughts; you know the ones, the ones we don’t ever want to share with ANYONE because they can be messy and ugly. With you and Kevin holding hands with Steevenson and God, you’re surely heading in the perfect direction!
xo
Shaken little psyche…..those words show just how clearly you see him. Seeing through his actions into his soul. Thank God for you..the wind beneath his wings.
I’m so thankful that Sonny trust you and Kevin to share his deepest thoughts. As hard as it is for you and Kevin, knowing Sonny’s deepest concerns will help both of you build the bridge that will give Sonny a deep, abiding security in both of you. God bless your family of three.
You are literally showing him how God loves us so deeply that God never ever ever throws us away. Not everyone can say that. And I bet when he’s much older, he will understand how he was cared for at Three Angels until you two were able to take him home, and that the Lord was with him the entire time. Keep on showing that great Love!
wow! To think what his little heart and mind feel and think. You are all so blessed to have one another.
We have two littles and I have always wanted to be intentional in my prayers for them and so I recently got “the power of a praying parent” by Stormie Omartian. I have her “power of a praying wife” that I’ve been using for years and love. So far this new one is just as good. Just passing along this tidbit as prayer is an amazing tool for these littles and their little hearts. So so amazed at your journey and think of you three often. xo
I tell myself and my children that there is “enough love” for anything. Fully knowing that God is in that statement. I have loved watching your story and thank you for sharing your heart.
Tears in the middle of Chipotle! That’ll teach me to read one of these updates in public!!! ❤️
Layla, I read this on my way to church this morning, and I said many prayers for the three of you. God had such a plan when he brought you together, and you are the perfect parents for this precious boy. Thank you for letting us love you along your journey! You are a blessing in my life, too!
I imagine this is how many of God’s children feel after they are adopted into His Kingdom – just in awe that a Father – Abba – could possibly love them so much and wanting to make sure that He will never leave them or “throw them away” or “put them out in the dark” – our past is often where Satan lurks in the shadows but the more we grow in our walk with our Daddy the more those shadows are brought to light and those fears are dispelled… I am so thankful for your last sentence in your blog – that you have never felt so much responsibility to pour Love and Truth into your son – exactly what’s Sonny needs to break through those fears and doubts – glad you shared your heart! ❤️🙏☝️
God gave you this blessing because he never gives you more than you can handle! (this coming from a mother of triplets…ha!) I thank God that you were the chosen parents for this sweetheart!
Oh my goodness – i’m in tears and I have no words. You’re doing a good job, Mama. Keep loving and praying!
You all have traveled down quite a winding and up and down road with your son and the amazing journey has just begun! Even though he’s so young I’m sure that for what ever reason it was that found him in the orphanage has left some pretty deep scars – that you will help heal. Day by day, little by little he will understand just how deep your unconditional love really is. Thank you for sharing this, being honest and ‘keeping it real’!
Sweet sweet boy. How lucky he is to have your reassurance!
There was a sign that used to hang in the office of my kid’s school with a similar feeling of your quote today: ‘serve every child as though you are serving the Christ child’. Loved seeing it every time. 🙂
Has Sonny been diagnosed with PTSD? He might benefit from TFCBT (Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and EMDR. The younger a child is when their memories and fears can be worked through, the better. Your unconditional love and lifelong commitment will go a long way! I love reading your updates.
Oh with tears rolling down my face I say God Bless You!! It may not be easy to be so honest and vunerable but I know it teaches me so much about faith and God’s strength and love. I am a Mom of 4 – all older than Sonny but you teach me about being a better parent. Thank you❤️
Trust takes a long time. If Sonny didn’t trust you, he wouldn’t have said what he did. He knew deep down you would be there for him, but just needed that reassurance that it is all real, that where he is now is safe, and vocalising it to you and Kevin was his way of testing his own trust in you both. You both came out with a wonderful way to show him he is loved and will both be here to stay no matter what. THAT is important to a child, that a parent (and you are both now parents, not just adopters of a child.) will ALWAYS be there for them.
Parenting is full of moments where our hearts stretch, break, and just plain ache with love/joy/pain/slights/yearnings. It is a blessing to be privileged to have the love of a child so implicitly, and Sonny loves you very much, else he wouldn’t have asked you if you were going to abandon him. His need for reassurance was met with the love he had known would be there but just didn’t quite trust himself to acknowledge.
Will keep you and Sonny in my prayers. He is such a blessing. You are doing such a good job of reassuring him.
My husband and I adopted two boys from orphanages in Romania, so your bedtime story brings back vivid memories. It’s important that he is able to verbalize his fears. That will help you know what he needs. My boys are 18 and 23 now. The struggles are real, but we all made it through. You are doing everything right. Hang in there!
Sonny is so blessed to have you two for parents. Praying God sends his wisdom and guidance in raising him. You two are doing a great job!!!
A friend who adopted a baby boy from Thailand found a great therapist of sorts for her son after they struggled through lots of rage and night terrors. She had him nearly from birth but he still felt the loneliness of being given away by his birth mom. Poor Sonny must feel so many emotions since he was a good bit older and able to comprehend so much when you got him. Not that you could do anything to change it, but I wonder if him seeing you several times over a few years and then seeing you leave (because you HAD to not because you wanted to) has made him wonder if you will leave him again. So many emotions in such a tiny boy. Hang in there. You are doing great!
What a precious little gift. What a blessing the three of you are to each other.
Such terrible things happen to some children. It’s unconscionable to most of us to ever harm a child. How lucky Sonny is to have found parents that will love him forever and never throw him away. God Bless.
In our household of adoption we talk about being a “forever family.” Which means we are “forever mom and forever dad” and there also are “birth mom and birth dad.” That way we identify everybody but do not use terms like “real mom and real dad.”
You are a great mom. Motherhood is really hard. I love how he speaks openly to you. I have that bond with my one child, a boy.
I’m wondering if he did something he perceived as bad and then internalized it as “they may not want me now.” The trust you are building is a solid foundation. Letting our children know they are good enough for us no matter what in this demanding world of comparison and expectation is so important.
Perceived failures are permitted and natural to the learning process. No matter what, they have unconditional love…and so do we.
God has blessed your journey and it will forever be peaks and valleys. Sounds like you and Kevin are a winning team. Love to you all.
I was so touched by his heart-felt comments. You both are doing an amazing job raising him up in the Lord. May God continue to give you Wisdom each and every day. What a Redeemer we each have! Blessing to you!