“Speak to your children as if they are the wisest, kindest, most beautiful and magical humans on earth, for what they believe is what they will become.”
May 19th will mark nine months since we brought our Sonny boy home. WOW! On one hand, it’s hard to believe it’s been that long, but on the other, there have been so many more emotions attached to each and every one of those days.
And now, when I think back on these eight months as a whole, it occurs to me that we experienced big shifts about every two months. The first two were pretty traumatic, the next two were pretty turbulent, and the two after that were tough…but noticeably less traumatic and less turbulent than the other four.
Months 7 and 8, however, felt a bit like a tipping point. Like all the little things we did to build trust throughout the first six, (many of which Steevenson fought against hard) have finally started to soak into his shaken little psyche. Praise the Lord!
We’re all still sleeping in our (king-sized) bed together, because he still struggles with fear of “people coming to get him” at night, and sleeping on the floor next to his twin-sized bed quickly got the best of our forty-two year old backs. 😛 Kevin and I usually take turns going to sleep with him (so that the other can go downstairs and work), but we do both go to bed with him at least a couple nights a week because Sonny always makes sure we remember that that’s his “favorite”. 🙂
The other night, after discovering that it was going to be a two-parent tuck-in night, he immediately pulled us in to a super tight family hug. He held us together by our necks so that our cheeks were pressed against his. He requested kisses, “lots of them”, on his head and face, and of course Kevin and I were happy to oblige. We told him we loved him so much, and that we were so happy he was our Sonny. We tell him that same thing at least a couple of times every day, and he usually tells us he loves us “so much!” too, but this time he responded with something different.
He pleaded, “Please protect me mama and daddy!”
It caught me off guard. There was so much fear and fragility in his voice. We hugged him harder and assured him that we would always protect him. We continued to cover his head in kisses and went on and on about how happy we were that God made him our Sonny.
His next question flattened us. He said, “You’re not going to throw me away?“.
My heart split. I swear, I literally felt it break in two. His face was still buried in our necks when he said it, and I have never in my life wanted to reassure someone so swiftly and so deeply as I did in that moment.
We spent the next several moments comforting him, (he also wanted to make sure we weren’t going to “throw him outside in the dark“) and after we read his favorite book, the three of us fell asleep in a pile on Kevin’s side of the bed.
He hasn’t said either sentence since, but we’ll be ready to reassure if he ever opens up in that way again.
So months 7 and 8 brought with them a little more trust, and lot more vulnerability, and what felt like beyond bone-deep healing for our wise, kind, beautiful, magical little human.
The enormity of the blessing and responsibility it is to parent him is not lost on me, and with each passing month, I feel even more passionately devoted to speaking Truth and pouring Love into him.
With everything in me, I want him to believe in permanence. I want him to believe in his preciousness. For what believes, is what he will be.