“The Lord doesn’t ever just discipline us for punitive action, He is always disciplining us to restore us to Himself. And so as parents, of course that’s always our goal. It’s not to discipline for punitive satisfaction, but to restore relationship, and reconcile, and get back in perfect standing with one another.”
-Esty Downes
Goodness, there were so many wise and encouraging comments in at the end of my last post! Thanks to everyone who joined the conversation. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the advice/support, and I know your messages blessed anyone else who read them too.
I had mentioned that we had a rough weekend in that particular post, but I’m happy to share with you that we have had a fantastic Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday! I think we are starting to understand each other better, which has really helped strengthen our relationship.
I really need to start writing about our days together in a journal. There are SO many things I want to remember about these first few weeks together! Big things, and hundreds of little things. Like the way he nearly bursts with excitement every morning because he gets to choose his clothes. Like the morning he said he wanted to wear his (lens-less) glasses so that he could be “the same as mama”.
And don’t even get me started on the day he discovered his suspenders. He asked me to take his photo and started doing different poses each time I clicked the button- LOL!
Another thing that blows my mind is that, this week, he has been excited to show me and Kevin how he’s not misbehaving in certain ways anymore. In other words, I’ve noticed that if he remembers an especially naughty/potentially dangerous thing he did this past weekend, and if he sees an opportunity to repeat a similar action, he now makes a point to stop us both (even if we’re in separate rooms of the house!) so that he can show us that he doesn’t want to do it the wrong/unsafe way again. He seems so proud and confident in those moments, and just beams while Kevin and I shower him with praise and love. 🙂
A precious friend/fellow adoptive mama said to me yesterday, “He has this bucket that he wants filled, and he’s just been idling for years, waiting to get home so you guys can fill it. It’s so encouraging that this early in the game he is willing to show you his flaws, receive correction (even if he bristles against it), and then repent and change. I mean, that is a soft heart. That is incredible. The beauty in him showing you difficult behaviors, making poor choices, dealing with the consequences of those choices, receiving correction and discipline, even if he doesn’t enjoy that (who does?), and then changing and wanting to draw attention to it for the purpose of praise and restoration- I mean, that is beautiful. It is what the Lord wants from us as children. He doesn’t ever just discipline us for punitive action, He is always disciplining us to restore us to Himself. And so as parents, of course that’s always our goal. It’s not to discipline for punitive satisfaction, but to restore relationship, and reconcile, and get back in perfect standing with one another. And that is what Steevenson is giving you. He’s giving you feedback that says, ‘I want to be in right relationship…restored and whole in this relationship with you, and I’m willing to work’. That is huge. The beauty that you are already seeing the Lord uncover in healing…sometimes it takes years to get to this point…it’s incredible that He’s letting you see a glimpse of it right now!”
Awed. Humbled. Grateful. And don’t even get me started about Steevenson falling asleep wrapped around his daddy tonight. That’s a “first time ever” too. Gotta get that journal!! 😀
So many people think that discipline is just punishment – but it isn’t at all. To discipline means to teach. Disciples and discipline are related words and disciples are followers of a teacher.
Thank you so much for sharing your adoption story! I’ve been waiting with you over these past few years and now I love reading about your new adventures. Steevenson is sure a ham! I love his poses with the new suspenders.
I agree with Cathy entirely. Tme quote at the start of your post scared me. The word “discipline” is derived from the Latin “discipulus” which means student. Our children are disciples, not prisoners. Outcomes for children who are raised with punitive forms of punishment are not good, and it’s even worse for adoptive children. Adoptive children who fail to form a strong emotional connection to their parents because they are raised with fear-based discipline will frequently develop reactive attachment disorder. There are some wonderful books for parents of adopted children that may offer some tips on how to form and protect your bond with Steevenson while also finding ways to redirect behavior. The Essential Link (Susan Ward), Attaching in Adoption (Deborah Gray) and The Connected Child (Karyn Purvis) might be a good place to start.
Oh, I’m not sure what part of Esty’s quote scared you, Kim, (maybe using the word ‘discipline’ instead of the word ‘teach’?) but I totally agree and you echoed exactly was Esty was communicating. We are familiar with the books you mentioned, and I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed the time we got to spend with Dr. Karyn Purvis in Birmingham a couple of years ago. What a wise woman!
I wasn’t literally scared, shaking in my boots. 🙂 Just nervous about the term “punitive” in the quote – as if punishment is done to restore our children to relationship. I was merely pointing out that discipline does that, not punishment. Punishment does not restore children; it scares them into compliance. I was reading some of your older posts and saw that you are familiar with Karyn Purvis, so just ignore my nail biting. 🙂
Oh! Yes. That’s how the Esty’s words of wisdom read to me. She was saying the Lord doesn’t discipline (teach/correct) to punish- He does it to restore, and that parents should follow His lead. 🙂
Steevenson is soo precious! I am so happy for your family. Glad to hear that it has been a better week, too. Even biological children test the boundaries. Don’t despair when it happens again, just remember that there will be good times again, too. Thanks for telling us what’s going on, both joyful and painful, so we can rejoice with you and pray you through the hard times.
You are off to a terrific beginning! Here is a term that I learned years and years ago to replace Discipline which is too often confused with punishment. My dear sweet MIL, suggested the word Correction. The more I thought about it the better I liked it and began using it and it actually caught on among some of my friends. Choose those things that need correction thoughtfully.
Parenting is all about what and how things work in your family, do it with kindness, love and consistency oh and then always followed with a hug and and I Love You.
I. Love. Him. 🙂 Precious boy!
I love him too, it’s like he belongs to all of us!
Such beautiful encouragement in those words! I must say that Steevenson is one seriously handsome guy! Just love how he poses for his photos. I think you have found your #1 top model for your T-shirt designs.
adorable and so cute that he likes to pose for the camera! I hope you continue to share your journey…I love reading your posts.
I never journaled until my hypoglycemia became a bigger problem. It was amazing to look back and see patterns & wins. I would have never remembered everything the same way. Run out and treat yourself to a pretty journal, it will help in many ways!
Such precious, precious sharing! I love what your friend told you. It made me cry. Not tears of sadness but tears of joy for a little boy whose whole world has just changed and he is so incredibly joyful and appreciative of it. I love being on this journey with the three of you. I look forward to each and every post about you all! 🙂
What a sweet Thursday post! We also meant to keep a journal with our twins and never kept it up. BUT, I had a plain ol wall calendar hanging in my closet that first year and got in the habit of writing milestones and things to remember on the calendar. It is scribbled with notes about the kids and regular engagements and is now one of my most cherished items from that first year.
I feel selfish at my disappointment on days that you don’t post! My heart is so happy that you have that little boy in your arms and in your home. What a journey you have been to make this beautiful little boy your son. I ANXIOUSLY await your sharing your new adventures with this little man (and your home and everything else you do!)
First, I was so excited when you brought your little boy home! through your posts I’ve become so attached to your story and my heart was so full for you and Kevin.
Second, Steevenson is just so adorable and boy does he take a beautiful picture! The pics with those suspenders are priceless.
Keep sharing your beautiful home and family pics. It brightens my day and gives me great ideas for my own home! Thank you!
Michelle
You three are just so precious!! And BLESSED! I wonder how the pets are handling this new burst of energy that has joined their home? I can imagine Steveenson wanting to love on them. You will love going back to read your journal even a few months from now. Thanks for sharing your journey with us.
Just stopping by to say Congratulations!
Miss Layla, you are so wise beyond your years. God has blessed Steevenson with great parents at just the right time, and blessed his mama and daddy, too! His ways are the filled with wonder, and we thank you for letting us be a part of this wonder-filled journey with you. You have blessed our lives with love, too!
Even after 36 years of being a momma, this post touched my heart! Layla, you are a wise woman and Steevenson is very fortunate to have you as his momma! Blessings to you and that precious boy!
I am not a big blog commenter. I have been following your story. I purchased a couple of your T shirts. My eyes welled up with joy for you and your precious family every time I read about the progress you made. Today the words regarding “his bucket” had the tears rolling. I do not know you, but I know your story. It is such an important one. Thank you for sharing your journey. As a retired teacher who taught in private and public schools . In wealthy area and poor inner city both, I saw some parents wealthy and poor who had not a clue about their child’s “bucket” such wisdom your friend shared with you! All children deserve this love and dedication. Overflowing with joy for you and yours.
Wonderful words, Barb.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will now cry every time I check on the Palmer family.
Have you seen these 5-year “one line a day” journals? Perfect for jotting down a quick story, note of thankfulness, etc. I got in the habit of jotting something down nightly. It’s fun to see what you and kids were doing/thinking/saying on that same day 1-5 years ago.
https://www.amazon.com/One-Line-Day-Five-Year-Memory/dp/0811870197/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1472732250&sr=8-1&keywords=5+year+one+line+journal
This journey will be difficult, but so amazingly rewarding. Easy, no,but so wonderful. As you family settles in to a new “normal”, Sweet P will continue to test you and the strength of your love for him. He will quickly learn it is an unending, all encompassing kind of love, this new family.
Prayers continue for you and your family!
He is an island kid. Island people have that loloma, beautiful Aloha spirit, no matter what island they come from. He is adorable! Enjoy every minute! So happy for you!
It will take time for all of you to find your “normal.” And not just for Sweet P. But for you and Kevin. Yes, Sweet P’s world has been rocked (in a GOOD WAY). Living here with you two is a huge change for him. But let’s face it, this is a huge change for you and Kevin. You’ve lived a lot of years without having to be inconvenienced or interrupted by a three year old LOL (and I don’t mean that in a negative way, its just the reality of the two of you being married so long without having kids). Don’t worry. Things will settle down and you will all figure out what normal looks like in your household. Yes, there will still be rough days. Every parent can attest to that. But God brought Sweet P to you, of that I have no doubt. So cherish every single day, the good ones and the not so great ones. They are all gifts from God. Don’t try too hard to figure it out. Let the Lord lead. Blessings from Missouri!!
I am so grateful to be a part of your story and this community. Thank you huge for that! I am very very very grateful.
Those suspender photos? As you said in another post… forget-about-it! SO adorable!!!!!
I with the lady who’s like “yeah I’m just going to have to accept I’ll cry (in good ways) every time I read this post”. 😀 I hear ya sister! 🙂
Love you guys! praying for you and sending you every wonderful wish!
hugs!!!!
P.S. The journal thing? Absolutely! Do it! Here in Winnipeg, Chapters polo park is one of my favourite retail places ever. Maybe in Canada. The store has an upstairs and a ton of windows and the sunshine fills the place at almost every hour of the day. It’s surrounded by greenspace (except the parking lot) 🙁 and I love to go in and stand infront of the wall of journals and read all the inspirational fronts and stand among the display. I send blessings of love and light to whomever does the buying for Chapters. He, She, or They are doing an amazing job and having inspirational, positive, gorgeous things for people to buy and I am sooooooo grateful for that store. Just the other day I was in there and the toss pillows and frameless art were encouraging me to “follow your heart”, “people who seek beauty will find it”, “be brave, take risks”, “together is our favourite place to be”, “always chase your dreams” …AND… “never quit your daydream”. I squealed in delight, thought of you guys, and sent your blessings of love and light. Honestly I wanted to hug you. I wanted to hug Chapters. I wanted to hug life.
I hope you “have a Chapters” in your town that you can go and love each second of picking out a beautiful book.
Hugs!!!!!!!!!
What a resilient human being. I cannot even imagine being torn from my life and my huge family in a foreign country of which I had once been a part and taken to a brand new setting where everything, including the language, is totally different and not misbehaving badly every day in every way. The grief, loneliness and homesickness, even if hidden, must be incredible. You have a winner…and maybe a child model!
Watching him discover his new life and who he will become is so humbling. Thank you for sharing your journey. He is so freaking adorable in those suspenders!
A journal is not only a gift you give yourself (daily and in the future, to be read again and again) but a gift you can give to him someday as well! Do it! He is such a sweet little ham. Amazing I have never met you but feel like you are my neighbor. You and Kevin are very special, blessed people.
I didn’t leave any parenting advice the other day because I know the three of you will figure it out together, but I will strongly encourage you to start journaling today. We think we’ll remember every sweet, smart or funny thing our kids will ever do or say, but we don’t. A journal of all that your family is experiencing right now will be a treasure in years to come. Keep taking lots of photos, too. In the end, the only “possessions” that matter are memories.
So glad things are settling in. I think the journal is a great idea. Might also be a good idea to publish Stevenson a book of your blogs and then update it each year with pages from your journal. Thanks for sharing your struggles and joys. A friend of mine adopted a girl from Russia. Today is Laura”s 13th birthday. She was such a blessing to my friend’s mother, who happened to be my Chief Accountant, while she lived with them and through her disability and homegoing. She continues to be a blessing to my friend. Blessings come in all shapes, sizes and ages.
children-amazing little creatures aren’t they. sometimes they teach us more than we teach them. i have followed your blog and adoption journey & even though i do not know you , my heart could not be happier for you. you have such a big heart and that little ray of sunshine in suspenders (too stinkin’ cute) is so lucky to call you and kevin mom & dad. thank you for sharing.
Yes to the journal. Just yes. You think these moments will be imprinted forever but there are so many and they go by so fast.
That sweet face! That sweet face in those suspenders! Oh joy…?
No one will probably ever understand what is going on in his little mind. How he must in his own little way wondering is this for real? I wonder if kids test the boundaries to see if we are in it for the long haul? I truly believe if he set boundaries and limits they feel safer. One thing I learned way to late in my role as a mom is they are just as concerned and confused as we are. One thing I learned is to pray silenrtly when I am talking to my son. I pray for wisdom and guidance. I pray for my words to be spoken with love but firmness. I pray for wisdom. I never want to break his spirit.
Wonderful, blessed days of discovery through the eyes of a child (and what beautiful and wise words from Esty) That sweet little face just lights up every photo and it is clear to see how he longs to be fully enveloped in the secure life and love that you and Kevin have for him. His spirit is blossoming under your care! And, as it is when tending every precious growing thing, there will be days of rain as well as days of great sunshiny growth. Shine on, Sonny Boy! <3
As a mom for 15 years now, there will be good days and there will be bad days. Make sure you focus on the good days and give them more attention. So glad that your week improved and it sounds like your son is loving all the love!
I’m crying tears of joy for y’all (while eating in the Chinese restaurant)!
Layla, There is a book waiting to be written, published and poured over and enjoyed by parents struggling everywhere. I hope you and Kevin consider writing it.
This is the stuff….wow!!! Tears of joy in reading this, thank you for sharing. Oh the Lord is SO good and so for us, and so much about our healing! I am watching and listening as we wait for our little one to adopt, as well. Jesus, just Him….He is so much more than enough for us. Enjoy that journal and every precious moment that goes into it! :o)
You are doing great. Follow your heart and what feels right. You cant go wrong. Teach him right from wrong, love from hate, light from dark.. you will do fine.
Your stories are beautiful and touch my deeply each time I read them. Thank you for providing these moments to your readers. You are blessed and are sharing the blessing.
Parenting is SO hard and often I find myself looking back and wishing I had done things differently. Each time it makes me so thankful for God’s grace and forgiveness and gives me the opportunity to share with my girls that Mommy made a mistake and shouldn’t have reacted that way.
I loved your quote at the beginning. My brain so often tries to convince me that punishment is what I am going for but I’m learning it’s biblical correction and teaching with scripture that God wants me to do.
It’s a hard road for all of us but it sounds like you are doing great and Karen Purvis’s style of correcting will be such a big help. Thank you for sharing.
I have children by birth and adoption, and they all have their own personalities. Children absolutely need boundaries and consistency — you are on the right track! I try to remember to “catch them being good” even now that they are all teenagers. Mine still crave and work for a good word from me. Respect, compassion, empathy, and love are the foundations of any good relationship. All children need to learn that you will love them no matter what. (Sometimes that “what” is indeed trying as a parent! ha ha)
Blessings to you — parenthood in all of its forms is a joy and I am so happy for you to finally have your son home.
I kept journals in which I wrote down things my son said or did, where we took him and his reactions, etc. I would get the journals at a Dollar Tree store and now they are worth a lot to me. He sure is an adorable model!
Thank you for sharing this precious journey! Your quote was inspired, and truly it expresses Love beyond even our most deeply felt love. God who IS Love brought order to chaos to create a habitation for humankind. Into a barbaric world of savage brutality, He revealed His Kingdom, with laws that established the bedrock of civilized society and defined Love (of God and one another.) Lawlessness has become embraced as an ideal today, but it is in reality an attribute of chaos and destruction. True Love is expressed through discipline/making disciples of the Kingdom of Life! ❤️ Every blessing to your sweet family!
Oh, Layla, this post gave me goosebumps. 🙂 So happy to hear that things are going well. I’m sure there will be more challenging days in the future, but what a gift to see his heart right now. And what a gift to have such special friends with such encouraging words.
Oh my! How sweet that Steevenson chose glasses to be like his Momma!
And the suspenders! Those weren’t just poses, that young man has STYLE! And being so darn cute in the process! Your heart just must be so filled with joy!
So good to hear you were reaping benefits from a challenging weekend! That’s awesome that he wants to make good choices but also that he wants you to clearly see that he wants to make better choices too! You are so right, Too often parents, teachers etc forget that the ultimate purpose of discipline is to change behavior, not punishment.
I think you weathered your first parenting challenge and now your family is stronger from the experience!
Enjoy your moments with that sweetheart! I love seeing the photos, thank you for sharing!
I’m just so happy for y’all!
So sweet! I think you might really LOVE the ah-ha parenting website/blog. It’s just fantastic! It’s a very gentle and loving way to raise your child and from what I have read of you on the blog the past five years I think you’d like it. Congratulations mama! So incredibly happy for you!!
So when are you gonna get the next one? 😉
He is a gift from God ! So happy for y’all ! He is precious lookslikeheneeds his own guitar !
Hearts overflowing, soul joy
Oh my goodness that boy in his suspenders. He is such a beautiful, bright and shiny child 🙂 Bless your family.
Just have to say he is precious and oh so adorable!!!! <3