“We are designed for connection. We are designed to know God in each other.”
-Dr. Karyn Purvis
Happy Monday! Did you have a nice weekend? It was hot, hot, hot here in Alabama- but it’s starting to feel a *little* like Fall first thing in the morning, so that gives us hope that it won’t be 95° and super humid much longer. 😉
We kept our weekend pretty low key again, and Steevenson seemed to really appreciate the consistency of our similar daily schedules. Kevin did go to church to lead worship for a few hours yesterday morning, but other than that, we pretty much just stuck to our new, regular routines & activities, and did a lot of bonding with Steevenson both together and separately. Our adoption counselor recommended that we continue to keep his world very small (with extremely limited exposure to multiple people, especially adults) for at least 5 more weeks, so we are sticking close to home and pretty much just hanging out as a threesome in the same 4-5 places right now:
- Home – he doesn’t *love* being in the house, but he’s not saying that he doesn’t like it anymore, so that’s a step! 😉
- Our neighborhood – either riding on the golf cart, riding bicycle, or swimming in the pool when it’s empty during the week.
- A nearby playground – he looks SO forward to his time at the park with Kevin! They go every day between breakfast and lunch, and I use every second they’re gone to work/clean/do laundry/make phone calls, shower, pay bills, answer emails, etc.
- Our car – he LOVES going for rides to look for things (school buses, tractors, motorcycles, horses, etc.) in the afternoon. He usually dozes off for 15-20 minutes which is great because he can’t seem to/doesn’t want to rest at home.
- Grandma & Grandpa’s house – he usually asks to stop by for a quick visit once or twice a week, and since they’ll be moving in with us soon, we’re glad he wants to bond with them a little too!
Our weekend also included a breakthrough on the meal preparation issue I blogged about last Friday, so we are feeling extremely grateful that Steevenson seems to be feeling much more comfortable with me cooking/carrying his food to the table over the past few days! He has even started playing with Daddy in the living room while I’m getting things ready in the kitchen and on the table, which is something he wasn’t able to do before. Praise the Lord!
Of course he will always be welcome to help with some parts of the process if he wants to, I’m just saying it seems like he is starting to feel a little bit of relief that he (as the child) doesn’t *have* to do/make everything, and that he trusts that we (as his parents) will help him with the things he is too little/shouldn’t have to do (as a 4-year-old child).
In that previous post, I mentioned that we had started to notice that Steevenson’s melt downs primarily occurred as a result of not wanting anyone else to choose/prepare/or handle any part of his snacks or meals. I spent some time thinking about why that might be on Friday night, and it occurred to me that one of the reasons (maybe even the only reason?) might be because he’s never had daily access to a kitchen before.
We don’t know *exactly* what the first 18 months of his life looked like, but we do know a little bit about some of his most difficult early life experiences, and we also know that he was severely malnourished by the time he arrived at the Angel House in May of 2013. We also know that there is a tall, picket fence-style safety gate on the doorway to the kitchen at the Angel House that prevents the children from being able to wander in there, so obviously choosing and/or preparing food has never been a part of his daily routine.
So, when it comes to eating, the first part of his life included hunger, and the second part included trusting that food would come out of that mysterious kitchen.
Now jump to today. He’s living in our house that has a wide-open kitchen right in the middle of it. He can walk right into it, unrestricted, any time he wants. All of a sudden, he can point to any food he sees. He can slide the pantry door open (because it’s a pocket door that doesn’t lock) and find shelves full of things he loves, and things that he’s never tried before. He is tall enough to open the french doors on the refrigerator, so he can move things around on the bottom shelf (and in the lowest pockets in the doors) to create space for all the unfinished drinks and food items he accumulates throughout the day and wants to save for later. He can pull the freezer drawer open (because it’s at his level) and see more food choices in that one spot than he’s probably ever seen at one time.
When I think about what those kinds of changes must be like from his perspective, and how rapidly they occurred (literally overnight three weeks ago), it helps me to better understand what could’ve been fueling his previously all-consuming eagerness to choose, cook, prepare and be the only one to physically handle his food, and why not always being able to do that might lead to him feeling overwhelmed, scared and angry. It motivates me to think about what I can do to help make the transition from no kitchen/no choices, to wide-open kitchen/lots of choices a little less jarring for him. (*Edited to add: we will not be installing gates, and he does have easy access to a few his favorite healthy snacks and drinks at all times.)
Our focus for children from hard places must always be clear: to help them heal and become whole in body, mind and spirit. This is done not by focusing on achieving “good behavior,” but by helping our children create strong connections built on trust. Out of this can grow not only “good behavior,” but so many other things that our children need and that we desire for them. By balancing structure with nurture and always remaining mindful of the inherent preciousness of each and every child, we have the opportunity to help our children realize dramatic strides and in the process discover (and re-discover) the joy in parenting. -Dr. Karyn Purvis
I am so in love with our beloved boy. He has so much sunshine in his soul, and Kevin and I feel so lucky that God called us to be a part of his precious life. We have so much to learn about being his parents, but our focus is clear: help him heal. Help him to connect, and trust…and to know God, in himself and in each other.
Gates on any kitchen entries for sure.
I totally disagree. This child has suffered hunger and then no free access to food. He needs to feel secure that food is always there for him and the freedom to be a part of the choices. This is going to be a huge part of building trust and ensuring he does not have food issues for the rest of his life. Giving him access to healthy snacks and meals is so important. Allowing him to be part of the family meal prep is also important.
What you are doing is so wonderful.
Even though Steevenson is from Haiti, I have an idea of what his previous life was like. I lived in Africa for a few years in the 1980s, when things were even less developed than now. No electricity, no running water. My students didn’t eat every day. I had severe culture shock on returning to the U.S. and had a hard time going to the supermarket for a while.
It also might be that Steevenson is still getting used to the idea that you’re his new family. He’s been put into and taken out of different situations in his short life, and hasn’t had any say about it. He might just be trying to be in control of something. Meltdowns happen when kids don’t have the words to express what is wrong (or when they are spoiled and have learned that’s how to get their way–which is NOT the case here). You are giving him the nurturing he needs and he is growing and acquiring more knowledge, more vocabulary, more wisdom every day. He’s going to turn out great.
Wow. Beautiful thoughts and words. Yall have made such progress these few weeks.
Yes! Melt downs happen when kids are frustrated about expressing their feelings. As he learns English he will be more comfortable with his new world. Sunshine in his soul,that’s just a wonderful way to describe someone. Makes me happy just thinking about that.
Layla – I have loved following your adoption story and appreciate what you share with blog land! Even though I don’t know you personally, what I do know for sure is that God placed Steeveson with parents who are perfect for him and who will take the time to *really* look beneath the surface. Your love and patience just shines through!! Y’all are doing great! ❤️
You are starting to get it. Providing structure and freedom to choose is always hard. It is a learned skill and creative mothers like you are reaIly good at it.
I raised an autistic son who was diagnosed as severe with no chance of ever being functional. My daughter was premature and has severe learning problems due to a birth mother who smoked and drank throughout her pregnancy. Creativity, freedom with structured limitations, and not overwhelming them has led to two adults that are employed, drive, and are fabulous cooks. Both kids helped in the kitchen throughout childhood. We included other children and cooked treats for friends and neighbors as well as family meals.
Little steps and planning get you there. Enjoy the wonders in life as your baby discovers them.
Having lived overseas, I can understand food availability. I think it’s wonderful that ya’ll are teaching your son about safe boundaries and ownership. It’s HIS house as well and is becoming his home. Sending love and prayers for all of you as you take loving steps towards becoming closer each day.
Beautiful! Just beautiful. You are doing great. Lots of prayers and you also learn to trust yourself and each other and what is right. You sound like you have so much wisdom already. (I am a mom of 4 and think I’m messing up, and not confident, and constantly adjusting to their needs as they grow and change.)
Blessings!
Trust is the foundation for everything! Trust takes time. Always do what you say your going to do. Ex: If you tell him you will pick him up at 4pm someday, be there at 3:50pm.
He is testing and looking for a reason “not” to trust you until one day, he “will” trust you.
Trust=Safe. Layla, its all about trust. Sweetie, every child does this to some degree. Keep loving him as you are and be yourself. You don’t have to be perfect. If you make a mistake just say your sorry and make sure he does the same. In my home, we all apologize for our part in it, even if it’s the tiniest part.
Remember, the vase that was broken and glued back together will have more sunshine running through it when held up to the sun than the unbroken one.
He will heal. Glue one piece at a time.
As much as I don’t want to tell you this, I must. 4 year olds don’t nap, they fight it and it makes them mad. They feel you are making them do something against their will. Quiet time is “maybe” all you’ll get. Sorry 🙁
He’s learning. You’re learning. So glad you guys have such patience. Sonny must be totally overwhelmed with all that has been given to him.
Please…..no gates. Let him learn. He will learn his boundaries. He will learn by watching you and Kev. As a former foster child…….one of my worst memories was not being allowed to touch the food cabinets and a locked refrigerator. I have had weight issues my whole life…….now, finally under control. In our home, you can tell when I am stressed, by the amount of food that you will find in my kitchen.
Thank God for “growing up”. Thank God for learning the proper boundaries. Just show him and teach him. He is a very bright, precious boy………he will be a fast learner.
So proud of all three of you.
YOU GOT THIS!!!!!!!
Layla, it is so wonderful to follow your posts about your little sunshine. Having gone to Haiti over the years and knowing that some of those children have never experienced anything we consider “normal”, I am sure it is difficult for him to adapt to this new world. I remember giving a little girl a piece of candy one day while in Haiti and the look of awe in her eyes over something she had never experienced before. It will take time for him to heal and feel comfortable, but I am sure all those lovings you are giving him each day is working!! Praying for your new family.
Hi Layla –
I have been following your journey from the beginning and am so thrilled your Sonny is home. I also have an adopted child – who is now 16!! He had issues with food as well and did quite a bit of hoarding. It’s something to be aware of – from both an emotional side and from a sanitary one. Nothing like finding moldy food in the most unlikely places. ;). It goes away with time, patience and trust.
Layla, I’m so darn PROUD of you and Kevin I could burst! As the Mom of two grown children I know the challenges never end (cue the Oprah music! Lol) but I’m not sure I could DO what you two are doing . . . Seriously, I’d like to think I could . . .but honestly I’m not sure.
For me, you three are the example of LOVE, Courage, and Grace and did I mention LOVE???!!!!!
Sending you all the LOVE I have for a stellar week of “wins” . . . XO
Layla, you are doing a wonderful job! We are all proud of you! Parenting takes more energy than most realize. Stevenson is training you as much as you are him. It all works together.
We are currently in the throws of babysitting our four year old grandson. I relate to this age and can feel the highs and lows of this season. Gentle, quiet approach works well for us. Letting him have his own time , learning time, physical time and cooking time has been imperative. Once a week we make choc. Chip cookies, package them in small zip lock bags and deliver them to five different neighbors. He has the experience of measuring, counting the eggs, etc. counting the cookies, placing them in the handled bag, driving his tricycle to the neighbor’s’ houses and interacting with them. He’s become confident and out going. The conversations all around are great for all involved.
We also have to deal with the melt downs but know he is trying his best to be his own person. I marvel at how much children must endure to adapt to our world.
You have four weeks behind you, I have 45 years behind me, everyday brings something new. Just keep smiling. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
First, ya’ll are doing a wonderful job as parents already!
Just a suggestion…I made my daughter (then 11) start packing her lunch herself when my son was born and mornings were too rushed. To help her out, I put bins in both the pantry and fridge with her name on them with lunch and snack supplies. Maybe it would help Steevenson to know he had snacks that he could help himself to whenever he wanted…? Cheese sticks, yogurt squeeze pouches, precut fruit and veggie bags, granola bars, applesauce pouches, small bags of nuts, etc. Not sure if this will help your situation, but just an idea.
Parenting is not easy but the smiles, hugs, kisses…so worth it!!!
Oh, yes! I just added that to my post. He does have access to a few different snack items (cheese sticks, Goldfish, squeeze pouches, raisins etc.) and drinks at all times. 🙂
Good job Moma!??
Becoming a mother really taught me what God meant by “His grace is sufficient and His mercy is new every morning”. Rest in Him, trust in Him, and rely on Him. You’re doing an awesome job!
I started following you 5 or more years ago because I loved your decorating style. But, it has been wonderful watching your adoption and spiritual journey as well. I would’ve followed your blog regardless of your faith, but to know we are “sisters” in the Lord makes it all the better! Congratulations on your precious son. Parenthood is the most sanctifying experience I have ever known, stretching me and growing me in ways I selfishly never would have on my own!
Layla…just the fact that you are so tender and thoughtful about how your son might feel reveals what a great mother you are and are going to be. That is love. I am praying for you all…I know it is just a ‘one day at a time’ thing, but isn’t that life? And, if this experience is causing you and your husband to be on your needs and recognize your absolute need of God, all the better! We are His children…I try not to forget that…blessings, BLESSINGS!!!
You’re doing a great job! It takes a lot of effort, analyzing and compassion to parent gently, but he’ll grow secure, confident and happy. I imagine his little brain is still very much in survival mode – those instincts to have our basic needs met are very strong – once it has really set in that he will always have a full tummy it will get better. Also giving him some control/autonomy (“do you want a blue plate or red plate”) can also help. Keep it up mama!
Good job, Ma and Pa! You are being so loving and responsible. It’s beautiful.
And as a reader, I want to tell you, I would never hold it against you (and stop reading your blog) if you decide at some point to stop sharing your family experiences with us. This is brave of you to open yourself up to all this feedback. I don’t think I could do it.
Keep on, keepin’ on! 🙂
I was nodding and had chills when you explained his previous experiences regarding food. You got it mama! Your last paragraph summed it all up pretty well. 😉 You were both SO chosen by God for your son. “Match made in Heaven” as they say. 🙂 And on a note of gates–if someone suggested that…. I agree with you! There is no need for a gate for a child of his age. Hope you have a wonderful week!
What WONDERFUL parents you are!! I love reading and seeing how sensitive you are to his needs and surroundings and changes.
I also love the idea of “keeping his world small” it makes so much sense with all the BIG called our “normal” world. But even as a mom of 4, I’m not sure I would’ve recognized that.
He is such a LUCKY boy and I think you and Kevin are years ahead of many parents in wisdom…even after only 4 weeks.
Congrats Congrats Congrats!!!
Dear Layla,
I’m so very happy for you and for Steevenson. I have enjoyed playing catchup with your various posts and can feel and see the love in them all. His little French accent just melts my heart. And his joy over everything from balloons to suspenders is palpable. And those glasses! Such cuteness! Love! 🙂
i’m not going to make suggestions as to child rearing as you have plenty here and in other posts from people far more qualified than I. I just wanted to say that I know prayer and love move mountains, and the Holy Spirit is the world’s best guide. I try to check everything against that still, small voice and God’s word. You can’t go wrong that way! After all, God is the one who formed this family, and He wants to see you bond with each other and Him. He is the head of it so He has a vested interest and will sustain you when you’re tired. What a comforting thought! What a marvelous Father!
You are doing a great job, and my husband and I are cheering you all onward and upward. You are such a blessing to your readers. In a world where love is so lacking, it is deeply gratifying to see real love in action. That’s what we see here. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. xo
I am adopted and can tell you that he needs to be able to wander where he needs too. Safety concerns of course. he needs to trust that he can get an apple if he needs it, a drink if he needs it. He needs to know that he is YOURS. that he can trust that. NO matter what. Even when he is bad, esp. then. He will push you and try to make you mad and mean. You can get upset but explain to him why and that this sometimes happens when you love. Talking is the biggest thing.. He is listening even when you think he is not. Hugs, kisses and touch are the biggest things, or were for me. Give out lots of them.
You are doing this SO RIGHT. For all of you. Patience, momma. We all love you..
The fact that you take the time to try and walk in his shoes will go a long long ways. No pun intended but that one approach will cover miles of all kinds of kid topics.
I don’t know if you do this but when I needed to tell a toddler something, my own or someone else’s, I always got down on their eye level. I always thought how hard it must be going through most of your day looking up. Now that I’m older with weak knees and a bummed back, I sit in a chair and draw them up to me to have a talk.
May God bless you and your family. What a special little boy that has come into your lives and how wonderful God picked you as his parents. It will be an even more loving family unit when the grandparents move in! Prayers for easy adjustments and transitions!
I would ask him if he wants to have cooking time a few times a week. And pick out a simple recipe from a chilfrens cook book. And see if that eases some of his frustrations. This way he ha a certain time do it and then the rest of the meal prep is up to you.
WoW! It’s been three weeks already! Congratulations! And, I am not a mother, but I have to say thank you for your honest feedback and experiences. People are so judgmental, and everyone has their own ideas on how to raise a child, but no one knows your exact situation, your personalities, Steevenson’s personality. We only know what you share here. And pretty much every parent has made mistakes when it comes to raising children. Y’all are still learning each other and I am sure there are some things that will never leave Steevenson’s memory or feelings… And this is not to say that you’ve made a mistake, but even when reading the blog, I knew an argument of “gate vs. no gate” and “healthy food availability” would come up in the comments section. It’s a healthy conversation to have, but if I was in your position and knew something would cause an argument and such a divide in opinions, I wouldn’t be brave enough to write about it. This is all to say, thank you for sharing! 🙂
You are a terrific Mom! Sonny is lucky to have you and Kevin as parents!.. Bless You Both for your love and patience with your little blessing!!
You are both doing a good job with him. God has blessed you both so much with your angel. Patience and maybe a photo menu will help with choices, snacks, meals, even fake food might help and ease his frustration. Everyone loves looking at photos of food and I think it would be fun for him.
Do you still enjoy your bed? We are going to buy one today and thank you for your info about it.
What a sweet, sweet mama you are. So glad the three of you found each other!
Trust your instincts and do what works
best for you and your precious family!!
With warm thoughts for you and Kevin
as new, wonderful and loving parents!!
So thankful that I have found your blog. What an amazing journey you and your husband and and your boy are on. With Jesus at the center of your home, His grace and love surround your family. When I think of you and your husband, this verse came to mind: For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of Him.
I Samuel 1:27.
Layla,
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. As a mom-in-waiting I often wonder what those first few days, weeks, months are going to be like. Having an adoption counselor is brilliant! I appreciate that your perspective is authentic, Christ-centered and that you share things you know and learn along the way. Please feel free to share any books or resources you find helpful along the way, I am taking notes.
Blessings
Wow, look at all you have shared as a family and all that you have accomplished to help him adjust in a short time! Your attitude and love will get you through any challenges. I love seeing his photos, he is one HAPPY boy! Keep enjoying your time together and celebrate each accomplishment!
It occurred to me Layla, that as you were pondering the reasons for his need to control food, and where he has been..it is like a metaphor in our relationship to God.
Before we looked in from a distance, and had only a taste of what could be..now that we have entered in..we, like Steevenson have a whole wide world of choices, the bounty of God goodness knows no bounds..
It occurred to me Layla, that as you were pondering the reasons for his need to control food, and where he has been..it is like a metaphor in our relationship to God.
Before we looked in from a distance, and had only a taste of what could be..now that we have entered in..we, like Steevenson have a whole wide world of choices, the bounty of God’s goodness knows no bounds..
Hi Layla,
My brother was adopted from Korea-he was a little older than Steevenson when he came home. He was also an orphan(in an orphanage setting) and slept 4 children to a bed. I only read the first comment about gates on kitchen and I about cried. My brother hoarded (under pillows and in his room) food, stole food and really ate constantly for a while…he had never had access to it and did not know what how to deal with ALL the food, as he also dealt with being on the street as a 4 year old and hungry…like you said, it takes time to heal. This is common we were told…I am so happy he is with you-because it is not easy and I feel both you and Kevin are the doing a wonderful job.
It sounds like you are taking notice and consideration of everything and that is good. The whole family is still in the learning stage.
Your wisdom and sensitivity are so beautiful to behold, and your beautiful boy is so lucky to have you. Parenting is such a mixture of ups and downs, difficulties and joys, often in the same hour. I obviously don’t know you or your family except from what you post here, but from where I sit, you seem to be doing a marvelous job.
Yay for wins! Parenting is never easy, but nothing is more rewarding either. Love and prayers for an excellent week 🙂
layla I wonder if his own toy kitchen would help?? It just crossed my mind after reading this moving post .. You’ve got such a loving heart .., time is all you guys need … You’re doing great !! I love reading your story … Sending hugs for ALL Kathy ?
I am always so excited to see your updates!! And if I hadn’t been following along on your journey, I would never have thought this was your first child based on how well you are reading your sweet little boy and figuring out what is best for him and for your family. Kudos to you & Kevin!
I’m a foster parent and one thing I’ve learned over the years is that food issues are very normal and should be expected.
After reading your post, my two recommendations would be: 1) access to kid friendly snacks in fridge and basket on shelf that is ALWAYS stocked and 2) incorporate into your schedule a time where he makes the “meal” (most likely at snack time) for the three of you BY HIMSELF. Easy things such as arranging already cut up fruit/veggies on a tray and mixing dip or stacking precut cheese, meat and pickles on a cracker or spreading jam on a slice of bread will give him the independence in the kitchen he seems to want.
Sounds like you are doing a great job!!! There will always be issues that come up! Spoken from a mom of seven (at the moment?)! Have had 14 foster blessings live with us throughout the years and most had food issues.)
You are a very good mommy and daddy. you both are so amazing. and just remember, times passes and things change and when you look back it will be a journey that you will soon forget the boulders that were in the way. you both are amazing people. God Bless all of you!!!
You guys are doing great! Isn’t Dr. Purvis so wonderful at explaining trauma and healing? I’m so thankful for the information we have now about this area, and I hope we can all work toward making this world more welcoming and caring for people who have experienced trauma. Love to you!
Layla,
I’ve been following you for years. I’ve loved being a part of your life :))! I’m a Christian Counselor on a journey of adoption (myself) with my hubby. You’re posts have been so inspirational and encouraging. You’re truly doing an amazing job. You’re instincts are spot on and I can tell you really understand the toll that trauma can take. I’m praying for your sweet family as you walk with your adorable son. Food is a very common trigger point for littles with stories like this. You’re doing great and your ideas are solid. Blessings!
Well I was just thinking about my own children when they were little & I was wondering if it might help to get him his own little kitchen with utensils, pots & pans, dishes, etc. Maybe that might help some of his curiosity about kitchens & cooking and all that goes along with food. You know, set it up there in the kitchen or near by and he could “cook” along with you as you’re fixing his meals. It’s just a thought that I had.
Oh, I would love that for him Maxine, but he’s just not interested in you versions of grown-up things these days.