“You can not lead a child to a place of healing if you do not know the way yourself.”
-Dr. Karyn Purvis
Our Sonny said his full name in the truck the other day!
(Steevenson Chevalier Palmer!)
…and, yes, I know the chest clip is supposed to be at armpit level. I noticed (after capturing that clip) that the shoulder pads kept sliding down, causing the chest clip to slide down, so I have since removed them and the clip stays in place just fine now.
It has been so fun teaching/experiencing new things with him every day. Whether it’s how to say his name, or how to take a bath, or how to play hide & seek- Kevin and I feel so lucky to learn with him. Sometimes, *right* before he falls asleep, he takes my face in his hands, looks deep into my eyes, and whispers one last question before he drifts off. Last night, he said, “Mesye Leo is coming and Mesye Bob is going?“. (Earlier that day, we saw one man driving towards us, and one man driving away from us in their dump trucks and he decided they were Leo and Bob.) I told him yes, and he curled his back to my front, spoon-style, and wrapped my arms around himself like he does every night when he’s finally ready to sleep. Which reminds me… I continue to be amazed by his ability to be wide awake one second, and sound asleep the next. How on earth he can go from a somersault to snoring within the same minute is mind-blowing. 😀
Of course, life together hasn’t been happy-go-lucky every moment over the past few weeks. Along with extremely joyful times, there are also times where we all struggle to understand each other/communicate with each other. There are tantrums, and tears (ours, not his), and (for obvious reasons) I think all three of us still feel waaay out of our elements.
But one super helpful thing we learned from our post-adoption counselor this week is that a child who is in an environment that feels predictable is far less likely to have negative physiological and emotional responses. So today, we’re going to create a daily schedule chart. The visual will hopefully help show our Sonny exactly what is going to happen each day (and what transitions to expect throughout the day) so he doesn’t feel like his world is quite so out of control…causing him to feel like he needs to control everything and everybody almost every single second of every single day, which often leads to long and physically & emotionally exhausting melt downs. Right now, it feels a little like he is always on the edge of a “flare-up” (especially when it comes to wanting to make ALL of his own meals/snacks (with appliances and utensils he shouldn’t use, and that consist of WAY too much of every ingredient) and then not eat any of them until *after* the tantrum, at which point he enthusiastically eats one of the choices *he* made, and often asks for seconds- bless his heart), so our hope is to limit his choices, and establish some daily rhythms and routines that will provide the framework for trust and bonding, which will create internal calmness and help ease the transition to his new life.
Here’s the chart I’m going to use as inspiration for our chart:
I’ll keep you posted on how ours turns out and how it affects our day-to-day!
You guys are absolutely amazing! Never forget it. Another idea…Could you treat the menu as part of the schedule? A printed menu for the day… Breakfast – oatmeal and blueberries, Lunch – Chicken leg and carrots and celery, Snack – crackers and cheese, Dinner – Meatloaf and mashed potatoes and green beans. I realize this probably isn’t even close to what he is eating, but you get the idea. Prep 90% of your food after he goes to bed or while one of you has him out of the house. All you would need to do is warm it up or, in the case of dinner, put it in the oven (or remove from crock pot etc). The fridge and pantry are off limits for now. Remove the opportunity to argue over the what, when, where, why, and how of food. As you guys come to terms with one another over meals you can introduce choices. Maybe snack becomes a “choose from the snack drawer” option. Then breakfast can be oatmeal and blueberries or pineapple. Dinner would not be negotiable until he is actively assisting in planning, shopping, and preparing (mine were 7 or 8 when we did this) and never the day of. When the battle returns (and it probably will) go back a step or the beginning if necessary. He will learn to eat what is offered. I doubt he was given menu choices before, don’t give them now. Let him grow into that reward and responsibility. HTH
Excellent advice! Limiting choices is necessary for young children. I agree with the guideline of 7 – 9 years old. The snack drawer is a great suggestion.
Learning how to be a parent is learning how to be tough and tender. Of course Steevenson is excited and curious about everything. He is a bright, healthy little boy. You can make that experience easier for everyone by setting limits. Children thrive on routine and feel secure when there are limits.
Children do not have the maturity, judgement, or wisdom to know what is best for them. They do not have the concept of time or consequences.
When in doubt, you can look to The Shepherd. He provides food, shelter, rest and guidance for his flock. His lambs are adorable, but they are young, impetuous, and often make foolish choices because they lack knowledge of the world. He gently guides them with firmness and love. As they grow and learn their boundaries, they begin to flourish. They know His voice and trust him. The Lord has given you this precious child to nurture and love. He offers a model of perfect love that is tough and tender. Listen for His voice, and trust Him.
Blessings to your little family.
I agree with Rachel: Teresa gave Excellent advice. TO ADD: Sonny did NOT get any choice of what he ate, what he did, before coming to Alabama. So you guys trying to be wonderful and GIVING him choices is way to much for his little mind. He is STILL trying to acclimate himself to the USA, and with not being able to fully know English, it must be SO hard for him. He doesn’t know what to do! Which way is up, or down?? PLUS, he is, ALL THE TIME, trying to please you and Kevin… and it must get exasperating for him, trying to please you guys, PLUS being taken away from what he knew… So you have to take the reins and don’t give him so many choices. You THINK you are doing him a favor, but you aren’t… He is NOT ready for that. Sorry to sound like a know-it-all, but my son is 25 now, and HE survived ME, so maybe Sonny will survive you two. 😉 LOL! –gv xxoo
Wondering how he may me grieving the loss of familiar surroundings/friends that add into any meltdowns? Best of luck to your new family.
Great thought!
I LOVE the idea of a daily schedule!! I’ve heard time and again that children, in general, *need* routine, and it makes so much sense that Steevenson needs an established routine since his world has completely changed. When I brought my newborn twins home from the hospital, we followed a routine and I can’t imagine NOT having it. It make life with little ones so much easier. I knew (and they knew) when it was nap time, bedtime, etc. and there was never any resistance or fighting. It served all of us well. 🙂 Wishing you three much success with your new daily schedule and hoping it brings some calm and peace to you all. P.S. The “Mesye Leo is coming and Mesye Bob is going?“ anecdote made me giggle. 🙂
Dear Layla,
I have enjoyed reading your blog for many years, and I especially loved reading along while you have been on your adoption journey. Thank you for sharing so much of your life, and in such a beautiful way!
I am a Montessori teacher, my students are all between the ages of 3-6 years old. I know what an amazing environment that is for this age and encourage you to look into a Montessori program near you. Your little guy would get so much out of it, all that independence he is striving for (wanting to prepare his own snack,etc…) is a need that could be met and nurtured in a Montessori classroom.
Good luck to you all,
Kristin
Long time reader but brand new commenter & I just had to take a moment to agree w/ Kristin’s suggestion~ As a product of the Montessori method from 3yrs old to 6th grade I simply can’t say ENOUGH good things about it! The environment was so supportive to individual growth & development (& pace in many ways!) & would provide Steevenson w/BOTH structure/safety/security he needs WHILE simultaneously allowing him endless opportunities/room for growth. As an adult, I am so very grateful for the amazing education that my parents worked hard to provide for my sisters & myself…& I MUST, MUST say that having a Montessori education be the primary basis of that (for as long as it was available to us..I would have gone the whole way through to high school graduation if it was an available option… WITHOUT A SECOND OF HESITATION!!!!) I just can’t say enough good things about it & the gifts that it has given me ten times over…TRULY!
My youngest sister is a year from completing her Masters in Education & has already been offered a teaching job at the very Montessori school that the 3 of us girls attended & I couldn’t be happier OR prouder of/for her!
The environment is just so, so wonderful!
And, coming from a Christian family, the Montessori school that we attended was run primarily by Italian (Catholic) nuns & it was important to my parents that we be in an environment where we could talk about God & pray, etc. freely… Something you Layla & Kevin I’m sure would appreciate.
(Also, being a non-Catholic, I was free to not participate in the Catholicism based religion classes & was able to study/learn lessons that supported my family’s more Evangelical leaning- Christian beliefs.) Another rare, but oh so precious gift that I still very much cherish to this day!
I know of MANY, oversees adoptive parents/children that have attended do the Montessori school that we attended for the reasons I mentioned here~
It’s such a wonderful place to learn & grow:)
I too enjoy your blog so very much & ️have especially enjoyed following along with you guys on your adoption journey. I have found myself praying for you all; cheering for the victories/milestones as you reached them along the way & have found myself brought to tears seeing you FINALLY all 3 together on Alabama soil! How incredibly JOYFUL to get to be a part of the entire journey w/the 3 of you (& your extended family as well !!) & to get to see both the ups & downs as you navigate through this next phase of life together here at home. Your honesty is so refreshing & I LOVE reading each & every one of your posts!
Continued prayers & well wishes!
Crystal
Thanks for the update! I think about you three often. Praying the transition for all of you gets easier and easier. Remember that God chose you and Kevin to be Sweet Ps parents. You are doing AWESOME! Adoption sure is not for the faint of heart!!
Hang in there! Parenting is the moment your life changes in an instant. I am sure he is dealing with so much but can’t express it. I am sure you will give him all the love and support he needs. Let others support you and make sure you take care of yourself too. Mom needs a day and your marriage needs date night too:) Beneath My Heart is a great blogger who just adopted a little girl from another country too. Language barriers and emotional/behavioral problems she is dealing with too. I hope you too are friends. Hugs from VA. PS- don’t be hard on yourself about the car seat.. you will learn things and make mistakes along the way, we all do.
Lalya,
I so look forward to your updates with your new addition to your family. I never had children, and never wanted to have children. Now I find myself with my husband that has a grown daughter and she has a 3-1/2 year boy. His behavior is intolerable around his mother, but so different and pleasant when she is not around. I know that it must be so hard since your boy has been taken from his “safe” environment in Haiti and suddenly has been put in your home. I also know that God will provide you with the guidance to groom him, and the patience to watch him groom into a lovely young boy and man. Just guide him, discipline him when necessary, and love him always. God will take care of the rest.
Your friend in Nashville, Susam
Hi Layla and Kevin. Have been following and just wanted to say you are both doing great. I agree with someone who mentioned all pre school age kids can be a challenge. But your being so open and not just showing happy pictures I know will be so helpful to others. My kids are older now but when they were young I was surrounded by moms just showing the happy and I always felt so down about it. Your both a blessing.
From one adoptive mama to another…Hang in there. It is hard…messy and beautiful at the same time. Keep learning and trying new things, but most importantly step back and take time to look at the big picture of the growth that has been accomplished.
I am often reminded of these song lyrics…”He makes beautiful things, He makes beautiful things out of us. He makes beautiful things, He makes beautiful things from the dust.” (Beautiful Things by Gungor) God brought life from dust. He can do anything with the “dust” that I bring as a mom and the “dust” of my boys’ stories. He is the One who can make beauty from brokenness.
We left food out for our 3.5 year old daughter when she was newly adopted so she would have a few pre-approved choices. Once she got that we and food were going to be consistent she let go of her resistance to learning English and began to relax, so fewer tantrums. The language barrier is huge, and once she began to learn more English it was a game changer.
Also, not sure if you plan to put him in school, but our daughter, having come from a group home of 20 kids, felt better being at school than she did in a three person household where the focus was on her. First we spent a week driving by the school so she became familiar with the route and excited about seeing the kids on the playground. Then we spent a week transitioning her a little bit each day, from being in the classroom with her to slowly backing away and letting her form friendships. By Friday we were out in the lobby by 9am, and she felt confident in being there all day without us (sigh) so we went home.
Come to think of it, he also needs to know what to expect when he breaks certain rules. Yelling in public places, hitting a friend, refusing to share, refusing to say thank you, refusing to obey, meltdowns, being mean or cruel during play, etc. Rules are pretty much what you instruct him to not do anymore or instruct him to do. It’s your requirements. And I know you will be loving in all you have to do because I know you and Kevin are just like that. Good discipline should effect the child, not the parents. What I mean is, it should not look to the child that he is able to push the buttons of adults. Good discipline should only be inconvenient for the child. That’s cause and effect.
I used to swat behinds. I found time outs were far more effective. I reserved swats for things they had been told were dangerous and should not do. Swats were only two or three on the bottom. Because swats were so rare, they knew they had done something very dangerous if they got them.
Regarding timeouts, I told my child they had to go into my bedroom and wait for me. That was a long walk down a short hallway for a 3 or 4 year old. And the wait must have felt like an eternity.
The first time a child experiences time out, they usually rebel. Often a lot. I found the strength to not wring my hands, hang my shoulders, or gasp or sigh. I talked pretty much monotone when it was necessary for me to speak. I had to recently do this with my 3 1/2 year old granddaughter. She whaled as if she had been dropped off in the night in some unknown place. It took exactly 3 days for her to accept her discipline. She still didn’t like it but there was almost no drama. And she learned with one warning that I meant it when I said she would go into time out if she didn’t obey. Did I mention how adorable she is? The most beautiful duck lips ever!
Please note: When my son’s or daughter’s punishment was completed, it was over. But before they skipped off back to play, they had to apologize in order to make sure he or she understood.
Now, about meltdowns. We all have them. So I told my children they could be mad, they could cry, they could be mad at me but the rule was they had to be respectful and had to take their drama someplace where it wasn’t disruptive to others. Like if they needed to stomp their feet, go do it on the patio.
Bedtime should be hugs and kisses. It shows children that it is possible to have a tough day with one another and at the end of the day, still love each other.
We all need to remember discipline means to teach. It’s not about taking personally the disruptive behavior. The most secure kids are the ones that understand the rules and have discipline and encouragement and love in the home. It’s a balance. Just like they need to know what the plans are for the day (predictability), they need to know the do’s and don’ts AND the consequences so they can predict that as well.
I made a “positive” tree out of pipe cleaners when I taught 3 year olds at church. I got a punch and made several hearts that said different things I saw them do spontaneously, like helping a friend, sharing, cleaning up after lunch. I put string through the hearts and each time I saw something to reward, I gave it to the child and asked him or her to hang it on a branch on their tree. I forgot. I put the tree in a really small terra cotta pot with moss. I would start out with Sonny giving him credit (as hard as that might be right now) for any time he listened to you and cooperated with you about the utensils and food. Oh and cooperation was a big word we daily focused on.
Hope this helps when you think it’s time to set up boundaries.
Wow, this was great! I agree all the way, and I will remember this when I have my own grandkids! 🙂 –gv
I love some of the suggestions given already and the schedule you’re working on. I don’t have experience with adoption (praying that one day we can say we do! 🙂 ) and cant imagine the changes you all are trying to figure out! But I have noticed that some of my kids do much better with schedule and knowing what’s coming rather than being “surprised”. It makes them much less anxious!
Well, I don’t have any new advice to offer you, but I am praying constantly for you and Kevin and that sweet little boy God has blessed you with! What a beautiful picture adoption is of being welcomed by grace into HIS family! May you all grow in grace together and with one another! 🙂
Layla, I have been following and loving your blog for years…but, no DIY project has ever been as important as the one you are doing now, as a nana who babysits my lovies, I found a few tricks that work for me, limit choices for food to things you can prepare ahead of time (esp. breakfast and lunch)these are the “busy” times of day, it helps avoid stress…always keep a basket of healthy choice snacks for in between, little bellies need snacks (containers of dry crunchy cereal, nuts, and fruit) so little hands can access them at will) Sonny may have never been able to do this, so it is wonderful but also overwhelming to him, once he figures out food is always there, this will cease to be an issue………love your chart, pictures will help him communicate!! you should know, all parents go through exactly what your going through, everyday is a new challenge, because children are always changing and growing and until they have all the tools they need which you will teach him, there will be minor meltdowns, take them in stride…he is not being “bad” he is just learning and adjusting, so remember to breathe………..and take care of your selves, rest when you can, parenting is exhausting hard work, it is not for sissies! most of all, enjoy the journey, because it all goes by far too fast! <3
Layla, we continue to pray for your family each day. We know the transitions that adoptive families walk through in those first few months all too well and know that this too shall pass. God is so good. We are 1 1/2 years post “coming home” and we have months of feeling like everyone has adjusted and have found our groove followed by a week of feeling like it is week one all over again. It seems like it is a constant 2 steps forward 1 step back. We are praying for you and Kevin to have discernment on what is adoption related behavior and what is toddler related behavior. Truly, that is where we struggled the most.
We love seeing pictures of your sweet Sonny! He is absolutely adorable. It makes our hearts smile ❤️
I’m an adoptive social worker. I have thoroughly loved reading your blog and following your journey. You have been given a lot of opinions and ideas in the comments left by your readers. I know your heart is in the right place and you and Kevin will raise your son with the best of intentions wrapped around your Jesus loving hearts. As an adoption professional I have to respond that it is NEVER a good idea to “swat” “hit” or “physically inflict pain” upon a child. I will refrain from going into all the reasons and researched backed evidence as I feel you have already been exposed to that in your adoption training. My remark was for those that are reading the blog comments. Love will always be what lasts at the end of the day. You are doing a wonderful job!
I agree 100%, Melissa, and we (yes) were advised to not spank/hit during our pre-adoption training too. Thank you for the kind comment…I appreciate your encouragement so much! XO
Oh we went through many of the things you are dealing with, with our 4 adopted children. There is a great book called Raising the spirited child (or strong willed child)that was wonderful for us. And structure is number one. Menus were posted and that’s what we all had for meals. My kids used to say “you get what you get and we don’t throw a fit”.
My husband and I felt like a tag team on big tantrums. We would have a word when we needed to break.
Hang in there mine are teenagers.
Hugs, Sharyl
My parents adopted a 3 year old my senior year of high school. She came from a neglected home. She didn’t know night from day and only a couple of foods. Gosh I remember those early frustrating days. Hang tight, you’re on the right track. Trust your instincts, he needs your confidence right now. Meanwhile you’re all tucked in my heart, praying for patience and strength. ❤️
This sounds exactly like my son, who has autism. Interesting to learn that adopted children can react the same way. Now I feel that I understand my son more when comparing to your son who is at the moment in a similar situation because of communication difficulties. In our home we have to make visual plans on a daily basis. Great inspiration picture, I think I have to go buy some Velcro. ?
This age is so challenging but so much fun! I cannot imagine jumping right in the way you guys have but you are so well-equipped. God-speed and all the preschool mamas said AMEN.
Wanted to wish you blessings today for anything and everything on your heart. God will carry you along your journey.
I’ve enjoyed reading about your adoptive journey. A friend of mine adopted a boy from India ( to add to their four daughters already at home!) and it took about a year to get him settled into knowing that this was a permanent deal, lol.
I am a teacher of children with special needs-and that visual schedule is sopt on. Because our school has gone to 1:12 iPads, I also use this:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/ftvs-hd-first-then-visual/id624035410?mt=8
It’s an AWESOME scheduler with timers/reward boards/etc. You can set up lots of different lists-everything from how to get dressed/brush teeth/etc to a day-by-day schedule ( which my autistic kiddos NEED more than anything).
Your lil man is adorable. Congrats!
For what it’s worth, none of us know what we are doing… parenting is a beast. My kids are 7 and 9 and I still wonder at the fact that someone let me take them home. 🙂 The schedule sounds like an awesome idea and I am sure, above all else, your sweet boy knows that he is loved and cherished. Who wouldn’t want that? SO happy for you!
You know what I love to see? That God gives creative solutions to parents every day, just when they need them. As a mom of three, that is a constant prayer of mine- that He would show me those creative solutions- because while children crave certain things that are the same- the way they receive the message can be so very different! When I feel lost as a parent, God reminds me that he placed our kids in our care for a reason. HE knew what he was doing- and will continue to guide us if we seek his counsel. Your schedule chart is just that! His guidance- and sounds like a great idea. My kids seat belt harness slips too 😉 Our third son had stitches 3 times in the same year- because he is just one of those kids the has no fear! I sure feel awful when it happens- but God is teaching me to trust HIm in those moments. I have been learning that I can’t control my kids- I can direct their behaviour, and offer consequences, and try to keep them safe- but if they are going to throw a tantrum- they will- I can try to help them learn to cope in a different way. One thing I did in the preschool years for my boys was offer rewards for good behaviour- stickers for staying in bed at night- or brushing teeth- a simple chart, and boy did they love those stickers! 🙂 hugs to you 2 xo
oh dear! must be tired since we only have 2 sons and a daughter- my second son is the fearless leader 😉
My oldest child was adopted at the age of six and did not speak any English. She is an extremely successful business woman with a husband and baby of her own now.
One thing I realized with her was that she needed to actually regress in her behavior to bond with us. She was small so it was easy for me to carry her a lot. She needed that and she needed lots of reassurance that nothing she could do would make us send her back. Even though she regressed behaviorly she went through the stages quickly and caught up with her peers. Don’t be afraid to let him regress and act younger than his age. It is part of the bonding process.
Congratulations!
Adoptive parenting is unique. Adopting children who have experienced trauma is even more unique. There are many resources out there…but do understand that while all parenting has some common threads, this is not common parenting. Things that work in non adoptive families will not necessarily work for you. You are learning together that small, predictable steps are a good way to go. And it is more than ok if you feel sad — REALLY SAD. The reality of this child or being a parent can often fall short of what we imagined. It is ok to mourn that loss, and know that what you do have will eventually be so much incredibly more than you imagined!