“We are designed for connection. We are designed to know God in each other.”
-Dr. Karyn Purvis
Happy Monday! Did you have a nice weekend? It was hot, hot, hot here in Alabama- but it’s starting to feel a *little* like Fall first thing in the morning, so that gives us hope that it won’t be 95° and super humid much longer. 😉
We kept our weekend pretty low key again, and Steevenson seemed to really appreciate the consistency of our similar daily schedules. Kevin did go to church to lead worship for a few hours yesterday morning, but other than that, we pretty much just stuck to our new, regular routines & activities, and did a lot of bonding with Steevenson both together and separately. Our adoption counselor recommended that we continue to keep his world very small (with extremely limited exposure to multiple people, especially adults) for at least 5 more weeks, so we are sticking close to home and pretty much just hanging out as a threesome in the same 4-5 places right now:
- Home – he doesn’t *love* being in the house, but he’s not saying that he doesn’t like it anymore, so that’s a step! 😉
- Our neighborhood – either riding on the golf cart, riding bicycle, or swimming in the pool when it’s empty during the week.
- A nearby playground – he looks SO forward to his time at the park with Kevin! They go every day between breakfast and lunch, and I use every second they’re gone to work/clean/do laundry/make phone calls, shower, pay bills, answer emails, etc.
- Our car – he LOVES going for rides to look for things (school buses, tractors, motorcycles, horses, etc.) in the afternoon. He usually dozes off for 15-20 minutes which is great because he can’t seem to/doesn’t want to rest at home.
- Grandma & Grandpa’s house – he usually asks to stop by for a quick visit once or twice a week, and since they’ll be moving in with us soon, we’re glad he wants to bond with them a little too!
Our weekend also included a breakthrough on the meal preparation issue I blogged about last Friday, so we are feeling extremely grateful that Steevenson seems to be feeling much more comfortable with me cooking/carrying his food to the table over the past few days! He has even started playing with Daddy in the living room while I’m getting things ready in the kitchen and on the table, which is something he wasn’t able to do before. Praise the Lord!
Of course he will always be welcome to help with some parts of the process if he wants to, I’m just saying it seems like he is starting to feel a little bit of relief that he (as the child) doesn’t *have* to do/make everything, and that he trusts that we (as his parents) will help him with the things he is too little/shouldn’t have to do (as a 4-year-old child).
In that previous post, I mentioned that we had started to notice that Steevenson’s melt downs primarily occurred as a result of not wanting anyone else to choose/prepare/or handle any part of his snacks or meals. I spent some time thinking about why that might be on Friday night, and it occurred to me that one of the reasons (maybe even the only reason?) might be because he’s never had daily access to a kitchen before.
We don’t know *exactly* what the first 18 months of his life looked like, but we do know a little bit about some of his most difficult early life experiences, and we also know that he was severely malnourished by the time he arrived at the Angel House in May of 2013. We also know that there is a tall, picket fence-style safety gate on the doorway to the kitchen at the Angel House that prevents the children from being able to wander in there, so obviously choosing and/or preparing food has never been a part of his daily routine.
So, when it comes to eating, the first part of his life included hunger, and the second part included trusting that food would come out of that mysterious kitchen.
Now jump to today. He’s living in our house that has a wide-open kitchen right in the middle of it. He can walk right into it, unrestricted, any time he wants. All of a sudden, he can point to any food he sees. He can slide the pantry door open (because it’s a pocket door that doesn’t lock) and find shelves full of things he loves, and things that he’s never tried before. He is tall enough to open the french doors on the refrigerator, so he can move things around on the bottom shelf (and in the lowest pockets in the doors) to create space for all the unfinished drinks and food items he accumulates throughout the day and wants to save for later. He can pull the freezer drawer open (because it’s at his level) and see more food choices in that one spot than he’s probably ever seen at one time.
When I think about what those kinds of changes must be like from his perspective, and how rapidly they occurred (literally overnight three weeks ago), it helps me to better understand what could’ve been fueling his previously all-consuming eagerness to choose, cook, prepare and be the only one to physically handle his food, and why not always being able to do that might lead to him feeling overwhelmed, scared and angry. It motivates me to think about what I can do to help make the transition from no kitchen/no choices, to wide-open kitchen/lots of choices a little less jarring for him. (*Edited to add: we will not be installing gates, and he does have easy access to a few his favorite healthy snacks and drinks at all times.)
Our focus for children from hard places must always be clear: to help them heal and become whole in body, mind and spirit. This is done not by focusing on achieving “good behavior,” but by helping our children create strong connections built on trust. Out of this can grow not only “good behavior,” but so many other things that our children need and that we desire for them. By balancing structure with nurture and always remaining mindful of the inherent preciousness of each and every child, we have the opportunity to help our children realize dramatic strides and in the process discover (and re-discover) the joy in parenting. -Dr. Karyn Purvis
I am so in love with our beloved boy. He has so much sunshine in his soul, and Kevin and I feel so lucky that God called us to be a part of his precious life. We have so much to learn about being his parents, but our focus is clear: help him heal. Help him to connect, and trust…and to know God, in himself and in each other.
May I share a story?
Recently my 5 year old nephew began crying when my dad told him it was nap time. My dad explained to him that taking a nap is not punishment. For some reason I guess my nephew felt it was…. he has so much to do.. so little time! But my dad sat down with him and told him that a nap was only a quick break, to gather more energy for the rest of the day… and that it was for his benefit so that in the evening he wouldn’t get cranky and whiny and upset everyone and possibly really be punished by having to go to bed early. The tears dried up and off to a nap he went…. sometimes I think we over explain some things and don’t stop to explain others…. as my mom used to say… they’re just people, little people… and they need to learn to understand as much as we can help them understand as soon as they are able to understand. Of course they won’t grasp everything you tell them, but over time they will. I think my nephew was comforted by the thought that his grandpa was concerned about how the rest of his day turned out for him. That had to have been a huge relief… to know there was someone in his corner thinking ahead and wanting the best for him!
I’m loving your posts, Layla.. thank you for trusting us enough to share!
I saw this article the other day. I thought it was pretty interesting in regards to kids and hunger.
http://foster2forever.com/2016/01/signs-of-infant-neglect.html#_a5y_p=4916021
I think you are spot on in realizing those two things about his previous food experiences. I was wondering also if being with other kids in a social setting such as preschool, park, Sunday School, would help him since he is so used to being around other children all of the time. I would think that he is probably lonely for that social interaction from other children his age since that’s practically all he has known. I saw that you said for him to wait five more weeks, but I guess I’m not understanding that logic. Whatever it is, you guys will figure it out.
Hi Angela!
The logic behind keeping his world small is so that he can get comfortable with us being his parents. He has had multiple caregivers and seen many different people come and go over the years, so this “family of 3” dynamic is all new to him and it’s important that he understands that we are his people, and that he can (and should) come to us for all of his needs.
As for other children, at this point, he is pretty much completely rejecting the idea of spending time with other kids, so we will continue to be patient with him about that until he is comfortable being around them again. We’ll eventually start slowly, and I’m sure he will let us know when he is ready! 🙂
I love the way you think about Steevenson’s behavior and where it is coming from. He is blessed to be your child.
Well that was very kind of you to say, Claudia, and I certainly feel very blessed by your encouragement. XO 🙂
Layla what I’m most impressed with is that you and Kevin are open to learning. That is so pivotal. Ya’ll are doing so so much right. One more thing is sharing – As the quote at the beginning of your post said ” we are designed for community ” and I believe that also means sharing in eachother’s difficult/trying times as well as the best. Many prayers for you Layla! What a precious boy who has been given such a precious family! : ) Melinda
Keep on mama! Build that awesome connection to each other. It’s so great! Dr Laura Markham likes to talk about the emotional backpack kids carry around every day and how it gets full and they just need to release. Meltdowns are one way but so is laughter. So play play play together. Which you’re probably great at! She has a whole list of games on her website to help you release those emotions and also foster connection. http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/connection/play-child-emotional-intelligence
This was an absolutely heart melting story, and reading the comments above makes it more magical.
xo,
Aïchatou Bella
http://www.stilettosandstandards.com
For people who are not familiar with the trauma-informed approach to parenting that Layla’s describing, you might appreciate this video overview https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7vjVpRffgHQ Caring for kids who have experienced trauma doesn’t always fit with our ideas about consequences and discipline.
You are doing such an awesome job Layla!!!! Parenting is sooo tough and it is a continuous series of bumps in the road…keep loving and guiding him as you have been and you guys will be fine. I look forward to your posts and how your new family is adjusting. What a blessing for you,Kevin and Steevenson to have been placed together my God. Life is beautiful!!!
It’s a blessing he was in a Christian setting before . He is co cute and looks like he is overflowing w personality .
He is blessed to have y’all as his parents .
Y’all are doing wonderful! So proud of you, friends!
everyone has already left so many ideas, but have you thought of getting him a stepstool and letting Steevenson (such a cute name!) help make his food with you – like sandwiches or cold things, not the stove. Let him put his sandwich together, make it himself with you helping? Lots of kids like that, even those without neglect issues. Just a thought. Trying to help
Hi Joni! The melt downs actually stopped when we took the step stool out of the kitchen. 😉
I feel like I have missed some of the background of what you are talking about. Had no idea he didn’t like being in he house. His so lucky to have both of you for parents as you are certainly looking for the most positive ways to handle such an adjustment. Honestly I don’t think many adults could handle such a change that we had no idea was possible. Prayers for continued success.
Ps. Being around other kids may cause worry that’s where he will be left instead of going home with Layla and Kevin
Yes, I think that other kids may feel like a threat to our relationship right now, Sarah. We’ll continue to take things slow and I’m sure he’ll eventually understand that he’s our one and only. 🙂
Oh, I don’t think I had mentioned that he didn’t initially like being in our house before. Thankfully, he seems to be warming up to it now. 🙂 #BabySteps
It’s all going to work out. I don’t have children but I certainly needed patience when I adopted pets. You two will succeed because you have each other, faith and a willingness to learn.
As an adult coming from an abusive childhood, how I wish someone with your sensitivity to trauma had realized that in me. Took the time to think about my behavior and what may have caused it. As you do with Steevenson. I have followed your story for a long time and God has always put people in my path to help me see what normal is supposed to be. I look forward to your posts about you, Kevin and your Sonny boy. God sent me your blog for so many reasons.
Dear Layla, You talking about Stevenson’s food issues brought me back to working with kids who had experienced food scarcity. Helping them learn to trust that there would be food, that they didn’t need to take all the food, or hide it in their cubbies always took some time. I love that you are working on the essentials and building a strong foundation for your son. Cooking together and play dates will be fun later on, but those are the sprinkles on the cupcake. You are doing good work!
Sending you guys love and encouragement! I agree with what someone else said about menu planning. Giving him options for what he eats in terms of snacks and meals is great. Since you may want to choose what he eats, too, make a game of it. For breakfast, he gets 3 choices for his drink — milk, orange juice, apple juice (or whatever). And you can put a picture cards together for him to help with language. I did this with my girls when they were little. When you are ready, you can extend the game to errands — at the grocery store they could each pick a box of cereal, they could choose what color apples they wanted, etc.
A good rule is that they get as many options as their age. Since Steevenson is 4, he gets 4 options for snack time and can pick one. We also has rules in place for drinks – drink a full cup of water at snack and meal times, then you can pick something else for a refill (our options at dinner were milk and water since that was what sat on the table). Everyone in the family followed this rule.
Anyway, thanks for sharing you family’s story! I love seeing his smile and hear that joyous voice!
You are doing such an amazing job! Keeping his world small is exactly what you should be doing, as you know from working with counsellors during this process. His need to control things is so normal coming from a situation so out of his control. Obviously he had loving care from Three Angels, but it just can’t ever be the same as living with his parents. You are doing such a great job. The little quirks and challenges will settle down and change as he adjusts to his environment. It’s just a blessing to be able to share in your journey. Congratulations and best wishes!
Thanks for the updates with Steevenson! We are always exited to hear about his progress and I know he is already bringing a lot of joy to your lives. Continued prayers from Savannah, GA 🙂
I just want to tell you how amazing you and your family are…I have been following your story (first on Instagram and now your blog) and it just warms my heart. I have been cheering you on from Colorado. Steevenson is so blessed to have two parents who will love, care and guide him in life…and you are so blessed to have him in your life to love, care and guide you. ♥ There is no greater joy in this world. I have three grown children and am now a Mimi/Nana to two sweet grandbabies and one more on the way… I treasure the times I had with my own children (which by the way goes very fast) and absolutely adore being a grandma. Life is full of challenges and you are doing everything as right as it can ever be…these babies are all different (all 3 of mine have such unique and different personalities) and they don’t come with instruction manuals, and what works with one child may not work with another and all we can do is the best we can, and try to give them the best start in life. You are facing challenges that most of us did not have to start off with but are handling these challenges with such love and grace! Each day will bring new and exciting changes and I know from following you and your husband on this journey that you are up to it and God has all your backs. Keep doing what you are doing and just keep the faith. I am so happy for your family and for all the joy that this will bring. I love that you are documenting what it has been like for you in your journey, from the process to the coming home…it will help so many other families who are in similar situations to know what to expect and how to cope. Change is a scary thing for any person much less a small child…luckily he has the best parents to face these fears with who understand what he is going through and will get him through this…minute by minute…hour by hour…day by day. Continued prayers for your family XO
It has been so encouraging and challenging to watch you love your little boy. I have been following your story and praying for your family for a few years now. I cried hearing him sing open the eyes of my heart in the bathtub ? Thank you God for such gifts and your willingness to share your joys and struggles. So much grace!
Oh I am just getting caught up on your post and I love that you quoted Dr. Purvis. Our daughter has been home four months and her book and teachings are wonderful and do wonders for adopted children. It does get better, it took me around three months to really feel like I was getting the hang of being a parent and to being a parent of a toddler. Our kiddos have lots of heartache and it takes time to heal. I know you are enjoying it as much as we are of being a family of three!
I’m also in central Al, and stumbled on your blog when looking for Fixer-Upper kitchen inspiration pics. 🙂 I’ve been a mom for 17 years and just want to say kudos to you for following your heart and seeing the healing your sweet boy needs. What a wonderful, gentle, loving mama you are! <3