“You can not lead a child to a place of healing if you do not know the way yourself.”
-Dr. Karyn Purvis
Our Sonny said his full name in the truck the other day!
(Steevenson Chevalier Palmer!)
…and, yes, I know the chest clip is supposed to be at armpit level. I noticed (after capturing that clip) that the shoulder pads kept sliding down, causing the chest clip to slide down, so I have since removed them and the clip stays in place just fine now.
It has been so fun teaching/experiencing new things with him every day. Whether it’s how to say his name, or how to take a bath, or how to play hide & seek- Kevin and I feel so lucky to learn with him. Sometimes, *right* before he falls asleep, he takes my face in his hands, looks deep into my eyes, and whispers one last question before he drifts off. Last night, he said, “Mesye Leo is coming and Mesye Bob is going?“. (Earlier that day, we saw one man driving towards us, and one man driving away from us in their dump trucks and he decided they were Leo and Bob.) I told him yes, and he curled his back to my front, spoon-style, and wrapped my arms around himself like he does every night when he’s finally ready to sleep. Which reminds me… I continue to be amazed by his ability to be wide awake one second, and sound asleep the next. How on earth he can go from a somersault to snoring within the same minute is mind-blowing. 😀
Of course, life together hasn’t been happy-go-lucky every moment over the past few weeks. Along with extremely joyful times, there are also times where we all struggle to understand each other/communicate with each other. There are tantrums, and tears (ours, not his), and (for obvious reasons) I think all three of us still feel waaay out of our elements.
But one super helpful thing we learned from our post-adoption counselor this week is that a child who is in an environment that feels predictable is far less likely to have negative physiological and emotional responses. So today, we’re going to create a daily schedule chart. The visual will hopefully help show our Sonny exactly what is going to happen each day (and what transitions to expect throughout the day) so he doesn’t feel like his world is quite so out of control…causing him to feel like he needs to control everything and everybody almost every single second of every single day, which often leads to long and physically & emotionally exhausting melt downs. Right now, it feels a little like he is always on the edge of a “flare-up” (especially when it comes to wanting to make ALL of his own meals/snacks (with appliances and utensils he shouldn’t use, and that consist of WAY too much of every ingredient) and then not eat any of them until *after* the tantrum, at which point he enthusiastically eats one of the choices *he* made, and often asks for seconds- bless his heart), so our hope is to limit his choices, and establish some daily rhythms and routines that will provide the framework for trust and bonding, which will create internal calmness and help ease the transition to his new life.
Here’s the chart I’m going to use as inspiration for our chart:
I’ll keep you posted on how ours turns out and how it affects our day-to-day!
Never mind, Layla, live with a five year old boy IS NOT always easy – peasy, even if he’s your “own” child that lived with you since he was born.
Creating a schedule is essential for all kids, it helps everybody to stay more calm and happy and relaxed. But there are rough times, especially between five and six, when boys have their first rush of “manlyness”. That’s totally normal and drives mamas crazy, believe me, I am a mom of four boys between 8 and 14.
You are doing absolutely fine, don’t worry, bringing up children is really hard work and tears are normal.
But it’s worth the try.
Love
Lisa-Marie
All my positive vibes coming your way. Kids are TOUGH! Schedules are so key to all of our lives to help us feel focused and together. It’s even hard some days to give in and break the schedule because you don’t want your child to feel off {or you, lol}. Parenting is not easy and some days you feel like you are losing big time. It comes with odd amounts of guilt & fear, BUT as long as you are doing the best you can everyday and follow your gut & your heart, everything will work out. And, when they say “it will pass”, it will… and then there will be a whole other obstacle that will “pass” to come around. I look at parenting like it is Christmas everyday. Everyday my daughter wakes up and I’m so excited to see her, I just have no idea what I’m going to get.. haha. Good luck with scheduling!
Praying for you as you make this fabulous transition to parenthood and praying for Sonny as he makes the transition to having two adoring parents who have waited a long time for him and love him no matter what. Big stuff going on in your home right now! I get blessed over and over by your posts. They bring back wonderful memories of our beautiful granddaughter who came to us from Guatemala. She is 10 now and has the most grateful and loving heart of any person I know. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you!
Sonny is such a sweetie, I love his enthusiasm! I hadn’t thought about the “chaos ” of the transition for him, but a schedule makes sense to help him see daily routines. Our brains love order and patterns ( things that repeat) so it makes sense that routines would be comforting. Parenting is a huge task, it seems strange that we go to school 4 years or more for a college degree for our career but we take on parenting with no formal training! Any wonder we question our every move and feel overwhelmed or underprepared? And some how with love, patience and sleepless nights we all survive and live very happy lives! Keep up the great work!
Fabulous video! He seems to have a joyful soul! Learning how to be parents is a hard job – and jumping in is even harder, I’m sure. God is faithful. Always. I have a son with autism and for a long time we used a visual schedule chart to help him understand his day better. It helped him and I hope it will help Steevenson too.
Sounds like you are doing great, Mom and Dad! It is very hard to parent, no doubt. I was not a natural and also was an older parent when I started (read: more set in my ways). Love, patience, a sense of humor, and most of all PRAYER got me through the tough times! I know that you are doing the same. God bless and you’ve got tribe praying for you! 🙂
You guys are a miracle. Hugs and love and your boy is so blessed.
I think you are doing great! Please be patient and gentle with yourself as you get your footing and learn what works for you. Also know that what you find that works for you will likely change and shift from time to time. One suggestion I have for you in addition to the schedule is to use a timer like it’s your job! Set the timer for everything! Explain that when the buzzer sounds that it’s time to move toward the next activity. Help him get a concept of time…”we can play for ten minutes, but then it’s time for shoes so we can go to the store”, or “when the timer dings we need to clean up so we can have a snack”, etc. Give him a heads up that a transition is coming….
My kids are now in their 30’s. I gave birth to them, and we went through the same things. I’m sure it is immeasurably tougher to start “in the middle”, but trust your instincts! Just remember to breathe, and accept that no life of parenting is ever easy peasy. It just isnt, but enjoy the journey….. I have a lot of respect for adoptive parents. You guys are doing great!
Routines and rituals are wonderful tools. Routines help children feel safe and rituals (like spooning before sleep comes!!) help them become and stay connected to people. It will be fun to develop those new rituals and even keep some of the same ones he had in his first home. May God bless you and keep you and make His face to shine upon you and your sweet family!
As an Early Educator I applaud you for understanding his needs. Taking pictures of him doing the items and posting his pictures on the daily schedule can be helpful and meaningful to him as well. Prayers for your family
My son didn’t talk till age 4…so communication was a problem. He would get so frustrated. Our speech therapist taught him simple sign language. It helped so much! He is 7 now and I often find him signing as he talks. Just another tool to help.
Your doing great. Hang in there. It will get better. He does need a schedule, it does help. Kids are never the same and never do things the same. You both will be learning for the rest of your days. That is part of the miracle. Teach him all the good things in people and he will show you that it was worth it.
Not sure if you have play doh, water colors, and art paper available. As a former teacher of 4-5 year olds..And many just arriving in our country…these are messy, but very therapeutic. They can express themselves, get lost in creating, and enjoy manipulating the materials. Creating a collage with yarn, buttons, Pom poems, beans, etc. was very popular too. Squeezing out the glue ..kneading the play doh..all of this gives them a feeling of control in a good way. 🙂
Hi Terry!
Yes, yesterday he and I had a great time playing with Play-Doh and painting on paper for a while when Kevin was taking a shower. I am excited to get some more art supplies soon!
My absolute favourite messy toy is a can of shaving cream in the shower, then at the end the shower gets turned on. Actually, now that I think of it, do you have coop preschools in your area? Preschools have the coolest toys and art materials, and coops are more flexible with having you in the class more than normal (coops will have you in the class anywhere from once a month to once a week anyway). It might be a great experience for you in a few months time once he is more adjusted.
My son is terribly controlling and inflexible (and he is not adopted). I hadn’t thought of a schedule at his age, but it’s something I should consider.
I had to LOL that you already know your carseat usage will be picked apart.But you’re leaps and bounds ahead of the people who post pics of their kids with straps falling off, or unrestrained. You are aware and thoughtful, and that counts for everything in my book. Think of it as a village. i wish someone had taken me in hand over my installation of my first child’s first seat. It was so bad, and so dangerous! So so wobbly. And then of course I am terrible at noticing when they’re outgrowing seats or need their straps lengthened. I forgot to include seat weight in the LATCH total weight as mine got big (9/10 yo). Do his seat back/straps go any higher? When they’re forward facing the straps want to be above their shoulder (rear facing is below the shoulder). You are lucky he is compliant with the seat, as I imagine he’s not really used to it.
Hey, IT’S OK!!!! As several others have said parenting is HARD!!! Commercials and movies make it look so simple. Beautiful, well-dressed moms and dads, and beautiful well-dressed well-behaved children on a picnic together. LOL!! That’s NOT real life!!! Real life is messy and loud and there are tears, (theirs and ours!). Schedules are great, I believe in routine, but, don’t be afraid to break out of the schedule when circumstances dictate. Above all, pray . . . and don’t sweat the small stuff. Blessings blessings blessings!!!
Thank you for sharing your Sonny! I found it helpful with my littles to constantly do recaps and countdowns.
In 15 minutes we are going to put on our shoes, get in the car and go to the store. Remember, we are leaving in 10 minutes! 5 minutes. 2 minutes.
After the store, we will have lunch.
Etc etc.
Hi Amy!
I’m so glad you brought that up! Ever since we started giving him an idea of how many minutes were left during a certain activity (and making sure he understood that amount of time through speech and eye contact) we have found that it’s so much easier to transition from one thing to the next! 😀
We do this too! A wonderful preschool teacher put us on to it. Although, now I have totally diluted it by being flexible with my definition of “five minutes” so that they don’t have a feel for how long that is beyond being after ten and before “last play”. I should start using the timer on my phone, I think.
What a beautiful boy! I remember when my son needed “visual structure”. He had been staying with my Mother while I ran the family business. At 3 years of age, my Mom had an emergemcy quadruple bypass. I had one week to find supplemental care for him. We were blessed to find a wonderful school and he loved it. The thing that bothered him was he no longer knew his schedule, where he would be and when. I made a one week calendar and in the boxes I drew either a school building, my Mom’s house or our house, along with labels. With this being put on the door of the refrigerator , he could go right to it every morning and know exactly what his day looked like. And it was another chance to help with reading. So helpful.
He was always the one that needed what I called the 5 minute warning. As long as I told him, “In 5 minutes we are going to …….” he was very cooperative. I tried never to say “Okay, we have to _____ now” , without that 5 minute warning. It gave him time to adjust and move forward.
They all love structure and Sonny is so lucky to have such loving and adoring parents that get it.
He makes me smile.
Thank you for sharing your joy and your challenges with us. I’ve loved seeing your journey over the years and it makes my heart full to know he’s with you. With regards to the frustration/tantrums that happen, two books were recommended to me long ago by an early childhood development expert and I marvel at how they impact our parenting and our kiddos’ emotional and mental well-being. First is a very old one but still in print, “Between Parent and Child” by Haim Ginott. The other is “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child” by John Gottman, who builds on the principles established by Dr. Ginott’s work. Dr. Ginott’s main premise is that kids need parents as emotion coaches, to help them identify and process their emotions so they can heal better and become better problem solvers, more resilient. It’s simple but amazing how quickly it defuses tantrums, or helps head them off. I realize you have a complex framework and many resources to help navigate, but just wanted to offer these two gems for supplementing your already loving, compassionate, empathic parenting. Keep up the amazing work. You have a monstrous huge support team here in your readers. 😉
Hugs for the entire Palmer family! You are all learning together… and it takes time. ♥ The Daily Chart will be a huge help! I’m sure that Steevenson was used to a predictable schedule in his early years at Three Angels. A Daily Chart, using color cues and picture cues is the perfect way to let him know what to expect throughout each day. He will see that you have a plan for the day, and that will give him comfort. Try to be very consistent for the time being, so that you can all relax into your new family routine. The Daily Chart was so helpful in my primary classroom. It helped my young students learn our routine, manage their time, know what to expect… and it reminded me to stay on task throughout our carefully thought-out day! Sending much love, dear Layla! ♡
food!!!! food is an issue with adopted kiddos (from developing nations). I know 3 such kiddies and control of food was SUCH an issue. and still is sometimes. hovering around mom in the kitchen close to meal times seems to be the most common way of them “dealing” with it. my friend recently shared her plan with me and I think it’s brilliant- once her daughter is old enough, she’s going to have her help with meals. that way she can tangibly see the process of putting a meal together. and learn to trust that meals will always happen, but also how they get there.
thought maybe you’d like to hear how another adopting mama would try it out.
or not! I’m sure there’s so much “advice” coming your way, it’s overwhelming.
praying you through these days and weeks and months and years ahead. God has put together a beautiful family.
Mealtimes – that is the part that hit home with me. My son had a genetic defect, low muscle tone and cleft lip and palate. It took forever for him to gain weight and I was always desperate about feedings. He has a lot of sensory issues with what he’ll eat along with structural issues (no top teeth in the front).
To sum up – one kid that only wants cold bunless hot dogs, one kid that wants the opposite of what her brother will eat, one exhausted mom that wants to eat spicy foods in silence alone, and one dad that comes home hours later. Four meals every night. Talk about food control issues!
I saw a friend post something on Facebook, of all places, that was actually helpful. It was an article that essentially said you could solve almost all mealtime issues with the phrase “you don’t have to eat it.” It has transformed our mealtimes! I make one thing, I make sure we have some fruit (and some whipped cream, I’ll confess) and veggies on the side. When everyone starts to throw a fit about an item they don’t like I shrug and say “you don’t have to eat it!” What is there to argue over? Nothing. They sit and pick what they want and I’ve been amazed at how much more often they are willing to try something new. I don’t fight. I don’t try to convince them of anything. As long as there is one item on the table that they’ll eat they can have as much as they want and if they don’t eat, they’ll be okay. I don’t do snacks after if they are hungry after dinner, but kids can survive until the next morning as dinner time is pretty close to bedtime. And next time they try more.
This is really long, but meals were a major pain point in my life and having something transform that has made such a positive and unexpected difference. It’s really hard to have a food fight if one of the people refuses to engage!
I wish each of you the best.
Cris, this has a name! It is called the “division of responsibility in feeding”, and it was invented/explained/whatevr by a woman called Ellyn Satter. It comes down to taking the fights and emotion out of eating. And having weird things on the table!
Layla, in Germany they let four year olds handle knives. If he is very motivated, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to start teaching him how to use one safely. Of course, he’s probably trying to use the broiler or electric knife or aomething equally terrifying.
You are all doing an amazing job! God bless your family!
I’m sure you’ve already been told this, but hearing it helped me… This is all completely normal. The small one’s tantrums, screaming, food issues, are all normal when they come home. Our son, that we adopted from an orphanage when he was 13 months old, had all of these issues. His screaming was so amazingly high pitched that our ceiling lamp would vibrate. Such skills! 🙂 It was a very hard first year for me, with high highs and very low lows. After time, those heights and valleys start to level out, and things come to a normal level.
You’re doing great. Just try to make it each hour without losing your cool. 🙂 Then make it from breakfast to lunch. It will get better, but it takes time. My son took 10 months before he exclusively called me mama. I remember the moment he came to me when he fell down, and cried ‘mama’. He had never come to me for comfort before, and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. It took 10 months, many tears (his and mine), but we made it. There are still times of trial, though they are not often, and certainly not constant like they were in the first months.
This is definitely a trial, a difficult transition in life, a literal labor of love. Love and hugs to you.
Laura
ps. I’m the gal who was in Germany that received a kitchen plan from you. 🙂 We just moved again, this time from Maxwell AFB (Montgomery) back to the same street in Germany that we used to live on.
No advice here – just love and prayers that God meet you at every need.
I’m seeing many parallels In behavior with our adopted daughter. (She arrived 17 years ago!) Water was calming. She loved to shower, bathe, and swim. Also worked well to give her water bucket and paint brush to “paint” the driveway. Squirt bottles outside worked too. Sand box was hugely therapeutic. She would bury her legs. Sift sand over her head like rain. We had covered sandboxes outside and in our enclosed porch. We had sand everywhere for awhile. Stress toys were huge. Still are. Soft clothing and flannel sheets were comforting. She still likes that minky fabric for backs of quilts. A “bed buddy” off etsy was a good purchase. Shaped like a stuffed animal and has an insert that can be microwavedfor warmth and calming smell of lavender. Part of our bedtime routine was same cd lullaby music played each night after we said prayers and goodnight. We took that music on trips too. Consistent schedules including bedtime and afternoon rest time were essential. The rest time rule wasn’t that she had to sleep but just look at book in her bed while I quickly cat-napped. This nap was essential for me to make it thru the day. Food was and still is an issue. Wish I had good advice. Only in that if they help make it or grow it, they may eat it better. Except chickens. To this day she won’t eat chicken meat with bones as she recognizes the chicken and “chickens are my friends”! Blessings. Prayers. And rest!! (Feel free to email if you need a listening ear)
Oh goodness… Another thought. Timers were our friend. I would say in 10 minutes we will be leaving. “The buzzer will ring in 10 min.” “Five minutes until the buzzer.” We also had a visual timer that showed the red area getting smaller as it counted down. Harder for children to argue with a timer.
Just beautiful! Y’all are doing great. Sonny may still be trying to catch his breath from the whirlwind of changes in his life recently. All kids need structure and daily routines, it helps them to build confidence. Love will bring all of you through this!
You will get thru this, and I’m sure you have more advice than you need. I will just share my story – no advice from me.
My girls are in their 30’s, and I remember one practically lived on green beans for about 3 years, with the other it was shells and cheese or peanut butter – open faced, no jelly! Try sending your child to school with just green beans! Ha! I used to worry over their diet, but their doctor said it would be okay as long as they took a vitamin. That didn’t alleviate my worry, but eventually they moved on to other things. The youngest still has issues with certain foods, and the oldest is a lover of experimental cooking. They both turned out fine and eat better than I do!
Kids are definitely a challenge, but so rewarding to see them grown, with their own families now, and knowing they are great human beings – and I must have done okay!
There is a online food prep course for kids as young as three that I saw a month or so ago. I can’t remember the name but she had two year olds using those hard plastic knives to cut bananas and soft fruits so they could feel involved and learn the correct way to hold their fingers. You can include him in modified way to help with his need/desire to make all his own meals 🙂
Also: you are doing great mama. Really really great.
If only he was okay with using *plastic* utensils and eating foods that *we* choose, like bananas and soft fruits. 😉 As he would say, “NO! M’ PA vle!” plastic and bananas! (I DON’T want plastic and bananas!)
So happy to hear all the good suggestions out there, and am sending prayers up Heavenward for more peace and security …You and Kevin are doing great..lean on your Heavenly Father who has insight into Sonny , that no one else does.
Way to adapt to him and find the things he needs (like that schedule). Part of being a great parent is a willingness to adapt and figure out what your kiddo needs so good job.
The counselor is right on. Children want and thrive on consistency and boundaries (although you might not think it when you are in the middle of a meltdown). As a retired educator I also told parents that there will be times when the “daily schedule” has to change at the last minute. The best thing to do is to talk the child through it, let them know that it is frustrating for you too (or however you are feeling – sad, disappointed). This helps them learn to adapt. Also, remember, they get their cues from us.
I know you and Kevin are doing a great job. Sonny is so blessed to have both of you as his mommy and daddy.
How about giving him some wooden spoons and plastic bowls to play with while you’re cooking? Kids love to cook. Why not find a few simple things he can help with. When I cooked with kids I would measure things and let them dump into the bowl or mix.
That’s the issue, Beverly. He doesn’t want to be “given” anything. *Especially* something safer and that involves working together. He insists on the opposite of pretty much anything we suggest in the kitchen right now. I’ll blog more about this particular topic next week. XO
ROFlOL, it sounds like he is so much like my younger one!
Something he may enjoy, but maybe not, is I used to let my older one bake whatevr and however she wanted. At the end of the day, if she wastes a couple of cups of flour and a few teaspoons of this or that in making some inedible brick it was no big deal. She literaly had open slather over the baking ingredients. I’m sure it wouldn’t remove his desire to cook everything he eats, but it is fun, and might make him sick of the kitchen.
Something that might help is secretly prepping veggies at night, so what’s in the fridge is pre cut. Or chopping things together when you get home from the store, so you all stand around together with a different veggie each, and yours just happens to be the butternut and his the pepper. Some veggies are economical in their pre chopped frozen form, like onions.
You two are doing a wonderful job. Praying for you both and for your precious little one. LOVE
Being a parent is hard work. You have to,keep an eye on them their every waking moment. It will get better. Remember to breathe.
You are doing everything you can.
My son was this age when he came to live with us. He had been cared for without love. Sonny was cared for with love. But his whole world has changed. He is happy but doesn’t understand it all. It will get better. Keep trying different things and it will help.
Big hugs mama.
It seems like you are handling all of this *extremely* well. It might not feel like it at times, but it’s obvious that you are!
Here is my kitchen advice – we had a budding chef at that age. I assigned “levels” to different tools in the kitchen. A sharp knife was a “level 10”, a wooden spoon is a “level 1.” It’s a similar concept to a schedule – you let them know, right now you are at Level 1 and we can work together to get to the next level. Its all about safety and skill- worked for us, maybe you can use a version that will work for you! Also, after raising 2 boys I can tell you they need A LOT of physical exercise – they are wonderful bundles of energy and excitement! You are doing great!!!
I know personally how he feels. He is missing the textures and food that he’s known his whole life. I lived in one place my whole life. I married a military guy who made a career out of it. I moved to a different culture my first year of marriage and I got depressed. Food had been my comfort and now it was a source of frustration. Even if I fixed my favorite foods they tasted different because I was accustomed to a different brand. I’m betting his wanting to take over in the kitchen is a plea to get his comfort back and he thinks you don’t know how to do it. so in his little mind he thinks he can do it better. I was an adult and understood what was going on. I’m sure he doesn’t and is beyond frustrated. I feel for you and him. I hope it all calms down soon and he adjusts. Hugs to you.
Hi Anna!
We’re actually sticking to the same foods that he ate at the orphanage. Three Angels was so great about giving us his exact menu before we got home. I could see how that would be very difficult though, and thank you for the e-hugs…I appreciate them so much! 😀
Aww! You are doing a great job as a parent. We ALL struggle with our parenting skills.
I think the schedule is a great idea. Something that I also found helpful for transitioning from one activity to another is to give a reminder prior to the transition occurring–for example, “Two more minutes on the playground before we get in the car to go home!”. My kids are 10 and 13 and I still use this technique. 🙂
I also found it helpful to give my kids the behavioral expectations prior to being in a situation–“We will go look at the lobsters in the tank at the grocery store, and then we will tell them bye-bye because we aren’t bringing them home with us” kind of a thing.
Go easy on yourself. This is new for ALL of you!!!!
Sorry, way too many and too wordy comments today!
But I just wanted to add how glad I am to see the generosity of spirit with which you’re parenting him. It sounds silly to have to say that, but so many people don’t start from the point of trying to understand his point of view and help him, but of trying to impose themselves on their child. It is nice to see you caring about him as a person.
No..not too many or too wordy! Those comments spring from people that care and want to share! Putting others down is wrong.
You are doing such a great job, a job that is often full of the highs and lows you mention. Everyone has good points for you to try here, and I will add just this one: give a choice between 2 things you are ok with yourself. So, Sonny, would you like this fruit or that fruit, this truck or that truck, you get the idea. May not work immediately but it does work with most kids eventually and can save a lot of battles!
Yes! That is also something we started doing right when he got home. Unfortunately, he is not yet okay with choosing between the number or types of things we are offering, but I know he’ll get there as he is able to bond with and trust us more. 🙂
i apologize if I am repeating parenting tricks but you have so many comments! On schedules, think outside the box and go with his natural rhythm at first. For instance, there is no parenting “rule” that’s says bath time must come at night. Perhaps he took his bath in Haiti during the AM or maybe you find that bath before dinner keeps things more relaxed. pictures…take pictures of him doing what’s on the schedule so that when communication is challenging, there is a visual to help. And lastly discipline….my daughter tantrums and what I found is that if I physically hug her or get her close to me, she will calm down much quicker rather than being placed on time out or being disciplined in the moment. This doesn’t mean there isn’t a consequence or discussion about the poor behavior but pulling her into me, the physical contact keeps things from escalating to crazy town!!
Thanks for addressing the “armpit” comment! Safety mom noted that but KNEW you knew. lol I love what was told to you about a schedule. I had forgotten how hard it was to transition for my girls at times. I love a schedule so there was little issue there.:) However, I recall my girls had the hardest time transitioning from school when in elementary/middle school! They always argued when they got in the door! I can only imagine how it would be for your situation. I imagine you would feel like it was a vacation at first–all fun–but then real life sets in and you think “wow, we need some control!”. Now this is what *I* would be thinking–perhaps not you. You have much more to grapple with than most as this started when he has already had a certain way of life and other routines and expectations. I can only imagine! It sounds like your plan will work well. When dealing with issues my mom always said “this to shall pass”. It is so true. Just when you think you can’t take the behavior anymore it is done! And we had our share of charts! Blessings to your family.
First off I would like to congratulate your family. I am so glad for you. Kids can be a challenge that is for sure. So often my flaws were worked on by God while I worked on training my kids. Anyway I few things I learned along the way that might be helpful. (I have 4 kids 26 to 18). For one of my children change was super hard. I figured out that she needed us to tell her about every change in our schedule. Whether it was big or small. After several months of this she did no fuss so much about the small stuff and handled the big stuff like a champ. She did not and still does not like change but she learned how to navigate them better and that we would warn her of any big changes coming if we could. Now obviously we don’t need to warn her anymore. I hope that makes sense. For example it is time for bed, we would tell it bed time is in 5 min, giving her time to adjust then clean up and get ready. The timing of the warning will differ depending upon the childs needs and the size of the change. Also as a preschool teacher I learned that it is best not to give children a choice when they don’t really have one. We so often give our children choices their really is not one. I hope that makes sense.
As a mother of ten children, five boys and five girls, I can tell you, you are spot on! That is the best thing you can do, now and later….as is from now on. All kids need predictability. They thrive on it. So the whole family thrives on it.
When my kids got older, I had sign out sheets for them. They had to write their names, then where they were going and how long they planned to be there and finally, what they planned on doing while there. Family life can be hectic no matter what size. Organization tools that help each member to be able to predict most of their day, is so beneficial. If I forgot to put the sign out sheet (that some of my older kids thought was stupid at first), they squawked about it. The older ones squawked the loudest. Go figure. We all have enough things in this world that are unpredictable.
Another thing you can try with food and everything really is to give him two choices that your are comfortable with and then let him choose. Then he feels like he is in control and it’s a win win for everyone! Good luck!
hang in there.
With 2 China adoptions under our belt, yes, schedules and routine are the only way to go…for everyone’s sanity and security. And then add all the Love. A most powerful combination! You are doing a fabulous job. 🙂
Layla, you and your husband are on the right track with Sonny. As long as he gets a sense that no matter what that his Mom and Dad will help him deal with it, everything will be fine. I know I told you that my sisters and I were put into a Children’s Home when I was five and they were 3 and 11 months. My bio-Dad was young and tried his hardest but left for good when I was 10. The Children’s Home had routines – 65 children from newborns to late teens. I look back and realize that it was just taken for granted that the routine would keep us on an even keel and when someone tried to jump ship or cause the rest of us trauma, staff and/or Matron would draw that child to one side and read the riot act (no riots allowed or tolerated) and that person might be stood in the corner or just given a glass of water and a hug from Matron. I carried that routine into my whole life (71 now) used it with my own children and the grandchildren too. You both are doing every thing right with this little lad. <3 <3 <3