Can you believe May is almost over?! This week marks 21 months home with Steevenson. That may sound like a long time, but it still feels like my baby just got here! 🙂
Last week, our social worker sent an email to remind us that it’s time to schedule our two-year post adoption interview. We decided to meet at the end of June, so she can put the report together and get it to Haitian social services by the end of July. (They require that the report is in their office 30 days before the actual 24 month mark which, for us, is August 19th.)
If you follow me on Instagram, or we’re friends or family in person, you probably know that Kevin and I have been praying about the possibility of expanding our family through international adoption again. We’ve gone back and forth a LOT over the past several months (sometimes several times in the same day!) because, obviously, deciding to adopt again requires a lot of careful thought. Not only because of the emotional, physical, and financial impact it will undoubtedly have on our family, but also because my (81 and 82 year old) in-laws just moved in with us too. There is so much more to consider this time around.
I’ll keep you posted on whether or not we decide to proceed, but in the meantime, I thought it might be helpful to share a blog post about some interesting things I’ve read while researching articles about adopting a second child.
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- “Adoption agencies will expect a family to have had at least two years to adjust to living together as a family before considering placing another child.”
Every family and adoption agency will likely have different opinions about that, but for us, and knowing where we’re at almost 24 months post-homecoming, I feel like that would be good advice when it comes to the length of time Steevenson, Kevin and I seemed to need. I should also mention that if we started another Haitian adoption process (which is what we feel most drawn to for many reasons), our second child wouldn’t join our family for another 3-4 years. But like I said, the three of us definitely needed a couple of years to adjust before we even started feeling a stirring to start praying about whether or not we could/should expand our family.
And again, that’s just what felt right for us. And obviously not every adoption agency expects a family to have had at least two years of adjustment because we know other couples who brought home their (first) internationally adopted kiddos around the same time we brought home Steevenson, and they’ve already completed a whole separate second adoption process. (One in China and one in India, in case you’re wondering.)
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- “Adopting a second child changes everything. It adds another relationship to the dynamic of a family, and changes the relationship between the parents, and between each parent and the first child. It’s natural to be anxious about such changes, especially if your existing family is happy.“
I’m sure that one crosses most first-time parents’ mind- whether they’re adding to their family through adoption or biologically. In my researching, I read a lot of articles written by adoptive parents who thought it may not be as easy to bond with a second (internationally adopted) child. Others worried that the relationship they have with their first (internationally adopted) child might be upset by bringing in a second (internationally adopted) child.
I will admit, the second part of that last line is something that crosses my mind a lot. “Especially if your existing family is happy.” If you’ve followed along with our adoption journey since Steevenson first got home, you know that we had an very turbulent start together.
When we drove away from the orphanage on August 19th, 2016, Kevin and I *instantly* became parents to a four-and-a-half year old. A role that, all of a sudden and for the next several months, felt much more challenging than we could’ve ever imagined or planned for. Partly because we didn’t know what the heck we were doing and partly because we were scared to death, and our four and a half-year-old was too.
We didn’t recognize his reactions and behavior as fear at the time though because it didn’t ever seem like he was afraid. He seemed the opposite of afraid, actually, because his fear during the first six months home manifested as rage, aggression, rejection and defiance. It’s crystal clear now though that he was in protection mode and fear was *exactly* what he was dealing with…he just didn’t know how to deal with it. (And honestly, neither did we.) His relationships with the kids and nannies at Three Angels Children’s Relief were all he had in the whole world, and they were who he had eventually allowed himself to trust in after being brought there when he was (around) 18 months old.
It’s easy for us to get excited about what our internationally adopted kiddos will gain by joining our families, but it’s SO important to be mindful about what they will lose in the process too. And it’s not only their relationships they’re losing. They’re also losing their schedule (which feels like stability), and the ability to fully understand people or communicate with them because of the language barrier. Losing those three things alone (your relationships, your schedule and comprehension/communication) would make any child OR adult (adopted or not) feel afraid and overwhelmed. And for a kiddo with a history of early childhood trauma, well, it can make them feel like their whole world is, once again, out of control.
But back to that sentence that sticks out: “Especially if your existing family is happy“.
Today, the three of us are happy. We’re still working on some uncomfortable attachment issues, but we certainly can’t even imagine life without effervescent, compassionate, friendly, funny, bright, honest, snuggly Steevenson. The thought of “rocking the boat” scares the you-know-what out of me. Maybe because I’m still scarred (literally) by what happened post-homecoming the first time around, and maybe because I’ve never really felt an overwhelming desire to be a mom. (How’s that for vulnerability?) :-/ It’s true. I don’t know why (maybe it’s genetic?), but I’ve heard from lots of women who can relate, so I’m less hesitant to admit it out loud these days.
A new dimension of myself was revealed in adopting Steevenson though. One that *does* have the ability to do things I didn’t know I could do, and feel things I didn’t know I could feel. So although I feel unsure about depending on that dimension in a similar way again, I have learned, firsthand, that God doesn’t call the equipped when it comes to Callings and comfort zones. He equips the Called.
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- “Adoption agencies will not want to do anything to undermine your existing child’s security and will generally only consider placing a second or subsequent child as the youngest child in the family. Research evidence shows that giving each child space is advisable and therefore a wider age gap (a minimum of two years, ideally more) between the children may be better.“
It makes sense that it would be important for us to carefully consider the age gap between two older, internationally adopted children because, like I touched on in the previous paragraph, (and know from personal experience and the experiences of others) older, internationally-adopted children typically have a range of insecurities when they join your family.
We’ve been working very hard and very intentionally to help Steevenson grow in security with us so that he truly believes in his preciousness and in his permanence in our family. Research says that “a larger age gap of 3-4 years or more, may make it easier for each of the children to feel that their place in the family is secure, and reduce any conflicts due to children being at similar developmental stages“. You’ll notice they used the word “may” because, obviously, it’s just a suggestion (probably based on research and experience), but not a hard and fast, one-size-fits-all kind of rule. I feel like the appropriate age gap (and even the order in which you decide to adopt your children, age-wise) really depends on the personalities of the children- both the one at home and the one coming into the home.
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- “Be prepared for your older child to regress when another child joins your family. Second time adopters can be taken aback when a child who seemed very settled and ready for a younger sibling is suddenly demanding and challenging. Even the most careful preparation won’t necessarily reassure a child who, in the past, may have lived through chaotic and scary times. Earlier feelings of insecurity may surface unexpectedly for both child and parents. For this reason it is helpful to talk through with your adoption team the timing of a second application and the age and backgrounds of children that you can consider.“
In other words, if we adopted a second time, we would not only have to do our best to be prepared for the second child’s negative reaction to the transition into our family and home, we would also have to do our best to be prepared for Steevenson’s possible negative reaction to the transition. And how do you really prepare for those kinds of things, ya know? I feel like we’re equipped with more knowledge and experience than we were before we adopted Steevenson, but a second adoption would introduce uncharted territory that could (and probably would) lead to several more months of some new kind of turbulence.
Would it be worth it? I’m sure it would. But it doesn’t change the fact that turbulence is uncomfortable…for everyone.
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I read another article that asked an important question about the motivation to adopt again. It read:
“In thinking about whether or not another adoption might be right for you, consider the following questions: Why are you planning to adopt again? Is it for you, for your child, or for both? There is a common myth that children have better adjustments with siblings, particularly siblings who are like them. While there have been numerous studies on adoption adjustment, the effect of family structure on adoption adjustment is not a common focus. One study (Brodzinsky and Brodzinsky, 1992) suggests that family structure has very little, if any, impact on child adjustment, a finding that is consistent with prior research. Ultimately, unless the primary motivation to adopt is the desire to parent another child, it might be worth reconsidering.”
Steevenson has expressed his desire to have “LOTS more kids in this house” pretty much since day one and almost every day ever since. 🙂 He’s a people-person and a true extrovert. Someone who gets their energy by being *with* other people…especially children. Unlike Kevin and I (who are introverts and need lots of alone time to re-charge after interacting with others), too much time without interaction leads to a “low battery” for Steevenson. I caught him in a smile-less trance daydreaming in the backseat of our truck on the way to town yesterday and when asked what he was thinking about he quietly answered, “Haiti“. He has never answered that question that way before. He usually just says, “I’m not thinking about anything” or “I don’t know” so you can imagine our surprise when that answer quietly popped out. I asked him, “what are you thinking about Haiti?” and still staring out the window he whispered, “I really want a brother and a sister“.
It was a very powerful moment, that felt very different from the other times he talked about siblings. As a matter of fact, it was so moving, Kevin immediately pulled over so we could all hold hands as we talked through some things with our (suddenly beaming!) little boy. By unexpectedly pulling over so that we could both turn around and look at and touch him, I think he probably felt seen & heard in a way that made him feel a little warm and fuzzy, and to see that smile spread across his face right then was so sweet because it made us feel so cherished by him too!
We’re careful not to make any promises about adopting another child before we feel loud-and-clear Called to do so though, because we would definitely want to make sure our motivation is stemming from the Right place. We do feel like the Lord will let us know when/if the time is right, but I will admit, not feeling a peace about it right now and knowing we’re not getting any younger does make us feel a little fidgety.
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One other thing I read said this:
- “The secret to making the decision about whether to adopt again, my fellow parents, is to do what you did when you contemplated your first adoption: Take all of the notably significant factors into account, and decide in your heart whether or not to take the leap.“
Easier said than done for sure, but it’s really all you can do. And since I believe adoption is a Calling to go find your family, “leaping” is really listening. Listening to the One who is *actually* writing the Story and has such a powerful way with words!
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If you were Called to your kiddos on a different continent, and it took two or more trips to find them, I’d love to hear from you in the comment section. How did you feel when you jumped back into the second international adoption process? And if you don’t feel like sharing your experience/thoughts publicly, you can always reach me at [email protected].
Thanks, y’all!
Layla
God bless your little family as you prayerfully consider adding to your size. I have not done international adoption so what I know of the challenges to each of you and as a family, are only what you share with us. It sounds so hard and yet so rewarding for Steevenson as well as for yourselves. You are raising a very special child, he is both beautiful and loving with a big spirit and heart. You will make the right decision and perhaps He will use Steeveson to show you the way.
As I read through your post, I kept wondering what Steevenson felt about the idea, and then whoa he brings it up while riding in the truck!
Although that might be a common request for only children, I know until our daughter was about 8, she often requested a sibling. She remained an only and turned out healthy and happy and successful in her career. We shared a house with my in laws too, for us the life decisions turned out just fine with no regrets. You’ll find a way to know what the right decisions are for you.
Layla! Reading the title made my heart jump for joy! I love your transparency and the vulnerability you have shown in this blog post. You’ve obviously done you’re homework on what it would be like adopting again. Your thoughtfullness screams that you all are ready and that your heart is pointing you to grow your family! THank you as always for your words! Adoption has been on my heart for years and I love following your story!
I’ve not adopted, but why does it have to take so long for the second child? You’ve already been cleared, etc. Also, with the second one, do you feel as though know that you know that fear is the underlying issue, you are better equipped to handle the problems that may or may not occur? Whatever you decide, I wish you the best. I think God will lead you and you’ll know what’s right for you.
Oh, yes. Our home study would be shorter because we wouldn’t need to gather *as* many documents this time around, but I’m sure we’d have to have new background checks because two years have passed. The home study is only the first few months of the process though. There are soooo many steps that happen after that. Here’s a link to our timeline if you’re interested in seeing how our first adoption played out: https://theletteredcottage.net/adoption-timeline-list/
Layla, my own 5 trans-racially adopted kids are now young adults ranging in age from 18-27. Conventional wisdom when we first began adopting in 1991 was that the kids did best when not the only person of color in the family. Because we already had 4 bio kids we could see how our son might feel like the Lone Ranger on several accounts. We ultimately adopted another African American son at birth, 2 daughters from Haiti at 6 months and 23 months and then in 2011 we completed our family with the addition of an almost 13 year old Haitian son from a disruption. I’m admittedly not up to date on what is considered best practice in adoption these days, but I can speak from what our kids have shared with us was helpful and what was not. Our kids are grateful for all their brothers and sisters, but do express a deeper sense of connection to those who share their race and experience of adoption. (Our youngest son especially stated that it was helpful as an older child coming into a home where there were already 4 Black kids, including two who shared his Haitian heritage. He had lived in Haiti until the age of 9 and then with a series of white families until coming to us. At 19, nearly 7 years after joining our family, he is incredibly bonded to his sibs; probably even more so than to my husband and I, but we are all a work in progress and very much a family.)
Among the 5 who came to us through adoption, some were closer growing up than others. I think that was a result of less shared interests with some and that happens even among bio sibs. Also, as the last of them are reaching adulthood we see the ties among all our kids strengthening as they gain an even greater appreciation for one another.
One thing I think is critically important in raising more than one child, regardless of how they come to us, is that each child will be an individual with different personalities, abilities and interests. Each child deserves to be cherished and valued for themselves. And especially when there is absolutely no genetic reason for them to be even remotely alike we must be able to see great diversity within our own family as a wondrous gift.
Having 9 children myself I’m admittedly a bit biased in favor of you adopting again. But I greatly respect that this is a very personal decision and one that you and Kevin will have to make for yourselves.
I just read through your comment, then read it aloud to Kevin. Thank you so much for sharing that all with us!! I can’t tell you how helpful and encouraging your story was and I’m so glad we’ve connected here today! Sounds like I may need to drop you a line via email if the Lord leads us to more family in Haiti, wise and experienced friend!
Layla, feel free to reach out any time.
Thank you, friend! XO
Sounds like Stevenson is going to be an awesome big brother!
Oh, I don’t know about that! (I started sweating just reading your comment- ha!) We’ll keep listening though. 😉
If you are listening to The One who is writing your story, you can’t go wrong! And Stevenson is a very blessed boy! And rose rain boots are cute!!
Our little man (age 6, placed with us at 5.5) has said he wants siblings, but when we push on sharing mom and dad- notsonuch. He has a hard time as an only, but it has allowed us to focus on his needs. These first months of rage, aggression, and defiance are tough… but based in fear. We had extraordinary training pre-adoption and a ton of support via state services, but we did foster adopt. 725 kiddos just in the tiny state of MA waiting on parents. It’s tempting to think ahead to #2 but for now….kiddo is doing great.
The paragraph where you described the truck scene and Steevenson saying he wants siblings is maybe a nudge from the Lord? That was my first thought while reading it….
Could be, and don’t think we don’t consider those kinds of things too! But like I said to Gabrielle: we are careful not to let *Steevenson’s* desires be the reason we move forward before they’re *our* desires too. Ultimately, it’s gotta be the *Lord’s* desire for us. We know what that looks like because of the many ways He made it clear last time, so we’ll see if that happens again! #HisWill #NotOurs
I don’t think it can get much clearer than that. “I want a brother and a sister.” Sometimes the words of God are whispered through the lips of a child.
Oh, I know what you mean about hearing things through Steevenson, but we are careful not to let *his* desires be the reason we move forward before they’re *our* desires too. Ultimately, it’s gotta be the *Lord’s* desire for us. We know what that looks like because of the many ways He made it clear last time. We’ll see if that happens again! #HisWill #NotOurs
I have no experience to offer, but I will be praying for wisdom in your decision.
I don’t think you will ever regret adding to your family
My three internationally adopted girls always tell me how grateful they are that they have a sibling. (Even when they are not😉)
They feel glad that they have someone to share their story with.
Hoping God puts you and your husband on the same decision
But from California I say. Go for it !
It’s so cruel that Stevenson had to wait so long for you and experience two breakups so early. The slow processes are what makes me dislike the adoption system because it adds so much trauma and is not placing the children first.
A curious practical question though, and please forgive me for being “personal”, but are you not soon too old to adopt? Many countries have a line at 40/42… if we’re looking at another 3-4 years, won’t you be older than that? (No offense, just curious- I got asked if I’d ever want a third child the other day and realized that I’m soon too old (because the risks increase a lot after 40).
Oh! I forgot to mention the age limit to start a Haitian adoption process is 50.
I have been reading your saga with Steevenson with great interest. I wanted to adopt but my husband didn’t. We have one biological child, who is now a teen and who often expresses regret about not having siblings.
I think the same reaction/rejection happens with biological children, when some new, needy baby is brought into the house. Kids are threatened when the status quo changes.
As you have so wisely observed, the acting-out by Steevenson in the beginning was probably his inability to express his fears. If he is heavily involved in the process, he probably will be more excited about it. And he will grow at the same time, and understand that you love him. He also is better equipped, and will continue to improve, at communicating his worries.
Good luck to you in whatever you decide.
Oh, he’s VERY excited about the *idea* of it…but he *thought* he was excited about coming home with us to America before he actually did too. 😉 You never know how someone with trauma tied to family transitions is going to react, but obviously it’s a good idea to do your best to be prepared for uncomfortable possibilities. That’s our job and we’re stickin’ to it! 😀
Just listened to a podcast where Jen from @em_erge (find her on insta) talked about bringing her 2 sons from haiti in with her family of four. She is Christian and was very open about the struggles and the joy
I think I remember listening to that at one point…I have to re-listen! Thanks! 😀
I have one child and never felt the true ‘pull’ to add to our family. We were in the process of ‘adopting’ our niece. She spent mostly ‘on’ five years with us, then her birth parents decided they were going to keep her. I don’t know if it was the loss of her, but I was DONE. You’ll know what to do when it’s time to do it. Only children can be very happy and adjusted children.
You will be led to whatever you are meant to do. 🙂 I need to add that we adopted two children. We adopted our son from Russia. He was also in an orphanage. We started the process to adopt a second when he was 3.5 Years old. We really wanted him to share common history with someone else on our family his age and that is why we chose adoption a second time. There were bumps along the way – a birth mother who changed her mind, on more than one occasion we were asked about taking a child with severe health issues… there was a lot to talk about – could we do hat to our son? In the end we waited longer. I was feeling guilty about it, but my mom reminded me that people who give birth hope for healthy babies too. We brought home our daughter when our son was in second grade. They are 7.5 years apart. They are four and eleven and I’m so grateful they have each other. They have an undeniable bond. I didn’t think they could be close with that age difference, but they are. Our son also got to see the adoption process from the family perspective. He saw how very much we wanted him to have a sibling. He saw all of he love alive in adoption and I’m so grateful that Jack and Libby will have each other long after we are gone. I wish you best of luck with your decision. 🙂 hugs!
Thank you so much for all that you’ve shared throughout your process of adopting and now the daily joy and struggles of raising your son. My husband and I have a daughter (who just turned 6 yesterday), adopted from Haiti 13 months ago. Like you, we were first-time parents to an almost 5 year old who also had a lot of fear and anxiety at the new situation she found herself in. Your honesty about the hard parts have resonated deeply with me. We still have many hard days as she processes all of her losses. But, the joy of being her mom is worth the struggles we face. I’m not sure if we will adopt again, the thought of another 4 year wait (for Haiti) feels unbearable at this point, but our daughter, like your Steevenson, has been asking for a sibling non-stop! 🙂 We know the Lord will guide us. This was a really helpful post as we start to think about the possibility of adopting again. Thanks again for your transparency and wisdom.
We have adopted two daughters from China; the first adoption was very difficult and stressful. We still felt it was important for our family to have two children so we proceeded with the second adoption. and although it too had stresses, our second daughter has brought something to our family that we not only needed but in hindsight could not have lived without. She is the sunshine that lights up the other three of us and makes us all better people. The girls are six years apart (we thought that was a big gap but it has turned out to be absolutely perfect) and doing well. I wish you clarity and all the best as you decide to take the Leap to be a family of four, or just as importantly, decide three is the perfect number for you and for Steevenson.
I have one child. By choice. Not adopted. He is 15 now.
I have one because we felt complete. We felt like a family.
My son has never wanted a sibling. Hubby and I only have had very brief moments of “should we have had more”.
I was 35 when my son was born. He made me a mom. He fulfilled all my dreams. I was a mom, another child wouldn’t make me more of a mom.
All I can say is, sometimes you just need to go with how you are feeling.
I’m complete.
All of these points about second adoption are so true, and we adopted domestically (in Canada), and our first adoption of 2 kids was 8 years before, and our older kids were 12 and 13, and our 4 kids are biological siblings of each other, and … even with all of the considerations, when you think you have (over) accounted/compensated for all of these things. It was still an adjustment for our family and our kids from our first adoption to adjust to the newest additions (2.5 year old twins at the time) to our household. We were all aware enough of what we were going through and why we were experiencing what we were and it was STILL hard.
I have no point of comparison for growing a family naturally but I think a lot of the points made by adoption agencies are the same things couples grapple with when deciding to get pregnant second, and successive, times.
You’ll either feel it or just jump in and trust in the end.