I thought I’d start our adoption category with a guest post written by one of my most favorite friends in the whole wide world. Her name is Shannan, although she responds to many of the nicknames I’ve given her over the past several months, too. Some of which include- “Ess”, “Ester”, and “Estevez”. I’m also hoping to work in “Escargot” and “Escalator”.
Don’t worry, Ess has dubbed me “El”, “El Camino”, and “Auntie El”, so I’m sure she’ll be down with the new nicknames once she hears them.
(Auntie El, as “Auntie Em”)
She and her husband, Cory, have three little kiddos (Calvin from South Korea, Ruby from the U.S., and Silas from South Korea). She writes a blog called Flowerpatch Farmgirl, and her Big Adoption Series conjures up inspired tears on a regular basis. Her guest post today is about her most recent adoption, and I must warn you, it’s a tried and true tear-jerker, too. But it’s something that Kevin and I appreciate her sharing with us as we begin the journey to our special little guy or gal this year.
Without further ado, I give you, Ess….
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Two nights back, my littlest guy, a 2-year old, crawled across the floor to me and I teared up. He’s a walker, of course. A mad-dasher, really. He races around our house like his britches are ablaze. He never, ever stops. Not ever. Not once.
I was folding laundry in my usual spot during that nail-biting hour before Daddy, everyone’s Hero, arrives home from work. By 4 o’clock, we’re all a little tired of each other, especially when it’s ten below outside. We need a change of scenery, a new face. We’re hungry. Some of us might even be a little crabby, though I’m not naming names. He was lured over to the small towel mountain beside me, so soft and jump-able. Before long, his sillies were ramped up to high gear and he raced around the room, flinging towels and giggling. He dropped to his knees and scrambled over to my lap. It hit me then: I had never seen my baby crawl.
And that’s not even the half of it.
We picked him up 10 months ago in South Korea.
The first time I ever saw him, live and in the flesh, he was 18 months old, racing around a tiny apartment with no furniture but a plethora of houseplants and a flat-screen TV.
There’s a gaping hole there, an absence of things I’ll never know for sure, things this Mommy missed, and I’m sad for it. But what I’m finding to be even sadder is that what I missed out on is an anthill at the feet of what he has missed, what he has lost. This isn’t really about me, you know.
This is his story, and the book never does close.
My heart has been scraped raw in trying to piece together why his story had to begin with loss so large, followed by loss so piercingly sharp, so jagged and traumatic. I imagine what it must be like for a toddler, to be taken by strangers from the only home, the only family, you’ve ever known. I remember that day when I least expect it and when I would really rather not. The wound opens up again, just at the corner. It was one of the best days of my life, wrapped up in one of the worst. We took him from the arms of the people he trusted most in the world and we carried him away and he cried the saddest tears. They just kept falling, until he passed out in my arms, totally spent.
The good news is, my husband and I had known to expect this.
The bad news is, we did not expect that the whole routine would repeat itself starting at the very moment he woke the next morning, and continue on through the day, through a trip across the ocean, and the day that followed. And the day after that.
He spent his first days as a part of our family enraged and desperate, heartsick and lost. He brought his little shoes to me, crying, ready for me to lace them up and send him home. He rattled every doorknob in the house, searching for the family he lost.
For that first string of nights Silas and I both cried ourselves to sleep.
What caught me by surprise even then was the fact that I did already love my sad little boy. We had miles to go with bonding, but living in the same room with him and his Grief pushed me further along than I thought I would be. My heart cracked open for him, and then it cracked smaller and smaller until one night, it shattered.
In that moment, I was so broken for him that I wished we could hop on a plane and take him home. I wanted to stop the bleeding for him and it seemed, at that moment, like that was the only bandage that would cover his wound. Of course I was wrong, and I think I knew it even then. The truth is, he had no family back in Korea. He had no home.
He couldn’t understand it then, but I have faith that he will.
The very next morning light swept in and rescued every last one of us. That’s what He means when He says He will not give us more than we can handle. I’m here to tell you – you can trust those words. The days that followed right up to today have been a long haul, riddled with bumps and painted new with the colors of sunrise. To be honest, I imagined that we would be further along than we are in some regards, 10 months in. I have two reference points, two previous adoptions that were both so different and every bit as lovely. But his progress, our progress as a family, is worthy of a gold star, I believe. Our trust was hard-won.
Today at church, we dropped him off at the nursery. When we picked him up, he was still wearing his winter coat, snapped to the chin, and his sock hat, just as he has done for the past four Sundays. He’s happy as long as he remains suited up. We walked through the Dutch door and he ran to us, arms stretched as wide as his smile. He rested his sweaty head on my shoulder. He had been waiting for us. He knew we were coming for him and he wanted to be ready. He wanted everyone to know that he could play for a while, but that he was not staying. We hopped into our van and he yanked that hat right off. He was heading home.
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Thank you so much, Layla, for giving me the opportunity to share some of the harder parts of this beautiful gift – adoption. I am so excited for you and Kevin as you begin to walk a similar road and I love your heart that longs to walk with your eyes wide open. I cannot wait to see your child, hand-picked by God just for you, at home in your arms.
Thanks for sharing your heart. Adoption is such an amazing part of my store, by both being adopted and then having the privilege of bringing my special needs nephew home from Ecuador where it came full circle. Your children are blessed as will Layla and Kevin’s. 🙂
My old youth pastor and his wife just adopted a precious little boy named Abram from Ethiopia- they finally got to bring him home in October. I passed your blog address on to her, I’m sure that she’ll love to read all about your story as well.
Beautifully written! Thank you for sharing!
Wow, you’re right there was no chafe my eyes would be dry after that story. Three of my in-laws were adopted, and it is hard not to place them into that story. Thanks for sharing her story with us!
Your Aunti El pic is cracking me UP!
This is such a privilege, Ells. xoxo
Auntie El, Auntie El! 🙂
beautiful! excited for this new part of your blog…. we hope to begin our own ethiopia adoption journey towards the end of 2011, so I’m excited to read about yours. thanks for sharing!
Thank you for sharing your heartfelt story. I had tears in my eyes. Your little boy is very fortunate to have you as his family.
Beautifully written.
Thanks for sharing this. We adopted our son from Vietnam in 2006 and have been waiting over 3 years for a second adoption since the country shut down. Adoption is a battle–it is not for the weary of heart. The good news is God is so glorified by adoption and uses it to mold us more into the image of Christ. This story gives me new strength for the battle–I can keep fighting and waiting seeking God’s grace knowing that it is so worth it!!!
Praying for you!
thank you so much for sharing…i never looked at the toddler age adoption process in such light…..such a wonderful family….i love them all already….
hugs,
chris
Shannan, your ability to write is such a gift from God and it’s amazing how you use it. I’ve enjoyed reading your blog and love seeing you over here. Your stories are blessings to read. Lay, you know how excited and prayerful I am for you & Kevin as you begin to document your own story about how you met your baby!
Hi Layla,
Hope it’s ok to refer to you by your first name even though we’re strangers. Somehow, I feel like I know you as much as I know a good friend. Thank you for your openness and your amazingness and your…ness.
I am so honored that you are allowing us a glimpse into your adoption process. I am a birthmother that placed for adoption about 20 years ago. Mine is not a tragic story as I had the means and the support to raise my son but I chose to place him for adoption because I wanted more for him than I could provide. In my head, I thought of people like you and Kevin adopting my son and now that I see your story and meet your friends that are adoptive (and forever) parents, I feel such a sense of comfort and joy. Thank you for that – peace is fleeting to me, at times, and your honesty fills a hole in my heart for that baby I said goodbye to 20 years ago.
You have all of my prayers – thank you, again, for sharing!
Kelly in IN
Thank you for the kind words and for sharing your story here Kelly. My Dad was adopted because his family couldn’t provide for him like they wanted to, too. One day, I’d like to adopt a child from the same Minnesota-based organization he was adopted from. 🙂
Shannon,
I know God smiles on you.
Deborah
Beautiful Shannan! It’s just so heartbreaking to imagine what the little guy has been through. I can’t imagine a better Mommy to help him through it.
I am a FPFG Adoption Series junkie. I dragged my computer along on vacation last March, so I could check in daily for the impending arrival of Silas. I have enjoyed your blog for quite some time and this is like a huge bonus to be able to read your family’s story. I’m already on pins and needles for future posts!
You made me smile big just now Erin! 🙂
Oh my, that’s just beautiful. God really knew what he was doing with y’all. I can’t even hardly see what I am typing through the tears, but I hope you all know that I am keeping you close to my heart and in my prayers. I can’t wait to read more about your journey or the day that I am able to share my adoption journey with others. Hugs 🙂
well that was just beautifully written, wasn’t it?! building your family through adoption is certainly not always easy, but definitely full of blessing as He gives us grace for each moment. Can’t wait to follow your journey. 🙂
Wow. Definitely a tear-jerker but inspiring too. It’s so wonderful there are people like you who are providing a home and love for these sweet babies. God bless you and your family.
shannan has a great big heart of a gracious godly mama. she loves those babies with every fiber in her soul….the simple days and the grand…all the same.
i love her story
& yay for you layla!!!
how incredible to watch your story unfold too
Thank you Paige! 🙂
Love this!
I come from a family full of adoption. can’t wait to follow along!
TEARS…..that was so beautiful! shannan…you have a way with words….:) good luck kevin and layla!
from an adoptive mom (twice over) i am thrilled to read your posts. i’ll be watching and reading about your journey, holding your family close to my heart and in my prayers. i truly believe that these little ones find their way home to where they should be. bless you on your journey! 🙂
This is very sweet. You write your story so well. I’m just…happy for you and your little boy. That you found each other and that things are going well. I’m glad he has found a home with someone who loves him so much. Thank you for sharing your story.
Very touching~ Thanks so much for sharing~ Hugs,Rachel
French Farmhouse 425
Wow….what a way with words! I felt her pain for him, how she wanted to fix his, and get on a plane and take him home! How bittersweet, and sad too! But you are right, you know his home is to be with you even though he doesn’t….so confusing for him! What a transition period! What a lucky little boy to have you to love and protect him.
Kevin & Layla, you will be amazing parents! I can’t wait to see him/her!
Cindy
xo
What a sweet story! My little brother was adopted from South Korea. He was abandoned on a doorstep when he was only 4 days old, and we got him when he was 4 months.That was over 20 years ago and I just love him so much!
Dear Layla,
Oh my….you have my heart aching and me crying! I am the mother of 8 children. 5 of which are adopted. Our first child that we adopted was from South Korea. Grace was 4 months old when she came home. Even at that early age she was wounded by the separation from her foster parents. She is now 21 and has been the sweetest and one of the biggest joys of our lives. Sergei came home from Russia at the age of 6 years. He seemingly never had that sense of loss or longing for his orphanage and the children he left behind. He is a wonderful healthy, happy 19 year old. The last 3 children are adopted from the foster care system. They all started out with us as new born babies straight from the hospital. They are now 5 years old. (how we ended up with 3 the same age is a whole other story :})
All 8 of our children were divinely appointed to our family by our LORD. They were all meant to be our children. GOD just sent them to us in very different ways with very different stories. All will and have grown up knowing loving parents and a loving GOD. Your sweet little man will too. People say we are so good to “have taken these kids”. You and I know the truth we were blessed to be chosen as their parents.
Blessings to you Layla,
Shelley
I want to hit the “love” button for this post.
Such a beautiful post! I love knowing/meeting other people who have such joy in their family. Our lives are forever changed because of adoption.
I am so excited to follow along with your adoption journey! We have adopted 3 kids in the last 2 1/2 years and they are all such blessings to our lives. I can really relate to Shannan’s words… my heart breaks for my kids in the strangest small moments. Like our newly adopted 5 1/2 year old today..fell and was hurt, he doesn’t even bother crying because it has never made a difference in the past. And he won’t even look at pictures from his orphanage, and tries to cover my eyes when I look at them as well. I can’t wait until we can communicate more so he can confide in me.
All children are a blessing, and I can’t wait for you to post a photo of your beautiful bright eyed baby… What a wonderful day that will be!
Blessings to you.
Layla, I am SO excited for you both! We have 3 bio children and 4 children who were adopted. I can tell you that, bio or adopted, they are all loved the same! And the journey to each is equally exciting!! It will be so fun to follow your journey!
I’m so excited for the two of you, Layla! I can’t wait to watch you begin this journey. Is it bad that I’m already dreaming of what this little one’s room will look like?! 🙂
I just used your cake stand as a centerpiece for my dining table this morning, and I love it in every single place it’s been.
How exciting, I’m in the dark no more about why you are creating a child’s room. I wish you joy as you embark on this journey!
oh mercy that was a tear jerker. whew. that’s good, hard stuff.
Shannon, your story brought tears to my eyes! I am so happy for you that your little boy is becoming so attached. Several members of my extended family have been adopted and it’s a beautiful thing to bring a child with no home into your own. When one of my adopted cousins became a teenager, he fought with the question “Why did my birth mom not want me?” And my cousin (his mom) always reminds him that we don’t know the circumstances of why she couldn’t keep him but that “we chose you to be in our family. You weren’t just born to us. We specifically picked you and wanted you to be a part of us.” I think that’s been a huge help to him as he’s grown up. The best of everything to you and your family!!
best wishes on your adoption journey, i know this is such a special process and that the right child comes to you. i have many friends that have adopted and they have the most special kids!!!
this is beautiful ♥
i love hallmark stories that end up being real life!
i follow and love flower patch farmgirl (we are like twins… except i am years behind)
i saw your guest blog on her place… thought i would pop over for a bit.
i am a follower of yours now too 🙂
beautiful, as always, shannan. 😉 best wishes to you both, Layla & Kevin.
~h
This was beautiful. God has placed adoption on my heart (specifically China), but I’m totally clueless about His timing for us. So I’m waiting. But every adoption story just makes me get all excited/weepy/hopeful. Can’t wait to hear your progress! I love adoption blogs too. 🙂
Wow Layla, I’m so touched by this story and yours. As my family and I pursue our daughter, we understand the excitement and fear of your first adoption. Please stop by sometime and ready about our ongoing journey to be a family of five. I’ll keep you in my prayers and gladly follow along your journey!
God’s blessings friend,
Sarah 😀
i never tire of hearing FPFG’s adoption journey with her precious kiddos….
i have started slowly talking about our adoption journey with our daughter, lydia….but honestly, i’m still trying to discern what part of her story i share and what part i keep sacred just for her…..
so thrilled for you & kevin….so many people have said it, but it’s so, so true..God perfectly hand picks your children and he sits them down in your life and you become a beautiful family…..
even if your adjustment is hard, he still handpicked them just for you. remember that if you have hard days….
Shannon – thank you so much for sharing and even putting into words things I’ve been thinking and feeling the last week or so. We arrived in the US on New Year’s Eve with our 2 1/2 year old son that we just adopted. His transition has been up and down and we’ve been up and down, but there is so much joy too.
Kristy
What a wonderfully honest and beautiful post……
Layla.
That was such a beautifully written story
From the heart.
I love a saying I saw years ago.
A mother holds her Childs hand for a
Short time but their hearts forever.
I will love every minute of your journey
With Kevin towards your life filled with unconditional
Love,unlimited laughter and days of pure joy.
Hugs,Geri.
Dear Layla and Kevin-
Your blog is by far my favorite, one that I read almost everyday (even when you don’t have a new post, darn!). And now that you are sharing your adoption journey with all of us, I have new and wonderful posts to look forward to. We adopted our daughter, Jade-Rose from China this past August at the age of 5. We also created an adoption blog documenting our “paperchase” and the journey to bring Jade-Rose home. She is now 6, and joins her 6 year old twin brothers, so now I have Triplets!!
My blog stops at the day JR landed in the United States and became an American citizen. I have only recently decided to create another blog documenting our life as a new family. I didn’t continue the original one as I wanted to give her time to adjust to her new life. Now that we have been so Blessed by her and by how well she is doing, I will be starting a new blog. But until then if you would like to check out our adoption blog it is http://konuchfamily.blogspot.com.
I can’t wait to read about your journey! Wait until you see how your heart explodes wide open…
Shannon,
Layla was right. . . I cannot stop the tears. Your post was beautiful and I thank you for sharing it with all of us. May God continue to heal and bless you and your family.
Layla,
I am so excited for this journey for you and Kevin! I’ve been following you on Twitter and couldn’t wait to get home from work today so I could read this new section of your blog. I will keep you in my prayers as you embark on this incredible journey. I know there is the perfect little person out there who needs the love that the two of you and TLC will provide.
Stephenie
Thank you, Shannon, for sharing your story….what a blessing you are. I’ll be thinking of you guys often and praying for you.
Layla and Kevin, I’m literally tearing up and grinning ear to ear with excitement for you guys…you will be such wonderful parents and I know that He has chosen just the child (or children) for you…you have so very much to give and I’m so thankful to be able to see the plan unfold for your family.
love you guys, shaunna 😀
Layla-
I am thinking of adoption because of your link to the Portis’ family blog, and from there all the many websites of “forever families”, including FPFG.
Thank you.
Bless the both of you.
Many of our friends have adopted, and several of my own extended family members are adopted. The gift you have to offer has no price tag, and for that, I thank you.
I’m verklempt. Thank you for sharing your stories, Shannan!
Layla & Kevin I can just tell you are going to love that baby so very much and look forward to reading about him or her!
Wow, Shannan – this is beautiful and heartbreaking and hopeful all at the same time. Thank you for sharing. And Hi Layla – I’m so excited for you and your husband to start this new journey! My hubs and I have adopted one from Guatemala and now are fostering three – one of which is name Layla as well! The adoption/foster journies have changed my life and opened my eyes. God will bless you abundantly!!
And you two are adorable! 🙂