“Let go of the thoughts that don’t make you strong.”
– unknown
Boy have I struggled with that this week. (Maybe you have too?) Particularly challenging week in parenthood over here, which has my mind a little messy right now. I’m posting that quote as a reminder to myself (and maybe you?) that Hope is often harvested in midst of wild uncertainty, and that no one ever blows it so badly that the Spirit can’t still blow in.
Praying Grace and solace will fill our minds (and hearts!) today-
Layla
Hang in there, Layla! We have all been there–kids don’t come with instruction booklets. Prayers headed your way.
Sending you lots of LOVE Miss Layla and to darling Kevin too! Of course an extra squeeze for little “p”. ?
You can do it! Thank God there are on 24 hours in a day? Tomorrow will be better.
prayers for strength and peace in your minds and family.
Ahhhh Yes, parenting can be tough stuff. It’s always a good idea to talk with a doctor
about sensory issues if adjusting isn’t going as expected. No big deal if an issue is
suspected. Just need to navigate situations differently. : )
Hang in there!!
Praying for you, Momma. Parenthood is hills and valleys but you can never predict how deep or high they will be.
You’ve got this. Hugs!
With you all the way…..prayers and love
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Parenting is hard and heartbreaking and frustrating. This too. Shall pass. One minute at a time, one hour at a time, turn it over to God and dont take it back. Deep breaths…..
Layla – I agree…Wed morning at the breakfast table was rough but we worked it through together…the issue of being afraid reared its ugly head and to dispel that was the most important of all.
Layla,
You are always here, lifting us with your inspiration. I hope that today you’ll be lifted the same way.
Blessings to you, and prayers that all will be well.
Lots of prayers to you and Kevin. It’ll test your limits, knock you to your knees, and when you think you can’t take anymore, you’ll see a ray of hope and light. That’s what parenting is all about. It’s all about the love even in the hardest times. Hang in there. You are doing a great job!
Sending a prayer up for you to help you cope with this new life you have been given! Know that every day is different, and if today is a not so great one, there’s always tomorrow! You are doing a great job, one of the hardest there is, and no one does it the same way, no one way is perfect. Steevenson has a lot to work through in his young life, and you all will come out of it okay! It’s not the same as it would be had you been together since day one.You didn’t get to help him learn the life he has now. It will take time to change those 4 years to the present day. Hang in and keep God in your heart, and remember to BREATHE when a challenge arises.
My best friend adopted a child from Russia a few years after losing her only son to cancer. It has been a beautiful journey to watch. Hard times, yes, but they are weaving a tapestry of joy. Hang in there, Mama!
I adopted a one year old from India. I can attest to the fact that bringing a child into the home like this can be difficult in many ways. It isn’t the always the rosy picture outsiders may think it to be.
She’s been my daughter for 7 years now, and we still struggle sometimes. But she belongs with us.
You will get through this. Eventually you’ll all settle into a new normal. Best of luck.
Julie
I haven’t had the same challenges of adoption. But there is one thing that I have recently learned about that I so wish I had been aware of when my kids were first born, it is the growth mindset research by Carol Tuttle. Her book Mindsets is an amazing help to understanding how we learn and how to approach challenge and setbacks! I teach kindergarten and it has transformed my classroom.
I tried to look this book up but can’t seem to find it. I do, however find one with a similar title by Carol S. Dweck. Is this the same book? Thank you!
I so needed this! Thank you Layla!
Layle,
After raising a ADHD and extreme hyper-active child. BTW, my biological child. I will say to any Mother that has a difficult moment that is getting out of control. Send the child to their room for 15-30 minutes. I would tell my son to go to his room and think about what happened or what he said! He would later come to me apologizing with a hug! Tell them not to do this again. Child like they may do it again but eventually they will understand. I feel it is better for parent/child to do this than say or do something you may regret! If a baby put them in their crib!
Oh, we’re not able to leave our Sonny in a room by himself (because of the abandonment issues that come along with most international adoptions), especially where there are things he can break (like windows) or get hurt on/by (like broken windows). We need to stick with “time ins” (where we stay with him), which can be super tough with a child who is raging, especially for long periods of time. We did get a chance to meet with an adoption counselor (who adopted three older boys) today though, and we’re anxious to try out some of the advice she gave us based on her (similar) experience. She really helped us understand more about how the brain of a child who has experienced early childhood trauma works, and we left feeling really hopeful about how we can help our Sonny with transitions/triggers in the coming days and weeks. PTL!
We have lived this parenting life. (And all survived!) I know it is sooo hard. I’m sorry. And I’m praying for you all.
Awesome! Time ins are so great for any child. Helps them realize that you are there for them no matter what emotions (good or bad) they are feeling. So great that you do that!!! And awesome that you are reaching out to get help you need to be successful. You are there mama. Keep breathing through his melt downs. Dr Laura Markham likes to say all kids have an emotional backpack they carry around and when they feel safe they unload it through tears anger or laughter. S probably has a lot stored up in his backpack and he needs to let it out. Hopefully more will come out with laughter than breakdowns but either way you are making progress. The more he starts to understand you will always be there for him the more he will open his heart too. Prayers for you. You got this!!!
Time Ins are the best way to raise a child, IMO. What worked for me, more than anything else is Scott Noelle’s Daily Groove.
http://www.enjoyparenting.com/about
He changed what parenting was for me. Unconditionality is the key. It’s all about positive not negative.
When my kids were that age, my best strategy after a rough week was to go back to basics…a very predictable schedule, lots of talking time, outdoor walks, a visit to the library for more books, and a consistent bedtime routine. I usually found that things got chaotic when the routine was disrupted, like by Halloween, and rebooting regular life helped us all calm down.
The mantra every parent must have on repeat…”this too shall pass”. Its been one of those weeks around here too, but for entirely different reasons. And remember, mommies can take timeouts too 🙂
Let the peace of God rule in your hearts. Colossians 3:15
He will meet your need!!!
KAM
You’re in my thoughts and prayers! Parenthood is wonderfully difficult at times. I think once your baby boy goes to school many things will fall into place. My daughter was completely different after only a few months. She was lonely and an only child and I didn’t realize being around other children could help her so much. I realize your situation is different but think that the distraction of interacting with other kids will soothe him. Mamma can use a break too at times….
I love your blog and have followed you and Kevin for such a long time, a big hug to all three of you especially sweet P
Belinda
Remember that he needs boundaries and is looking for them. Kids often act out to see where the line is drawn, how far they can go. I would think this is even more true in your case, as your son is feeling out all kinds of boundaries in his new life. set boundaries and don’t waiver on them, it can be tough but he’ll be happier in the long run. Keep your chin up – you are doing great!!!!!!!
This is so true! Sometimes I think they do things just to see if what you say and do is consistent and if there is something they might do that will separate your love from them. It’s a test of wills, of love, of trust, of patience…. but if you can have a successful moment now and then, those moments will turn into days, those days into weeks and then before you know it a new challenge will come and test you again….!
I agree with the boundaries but more so to look for win-win solutions. Example- we wash hands before eating. One day my 2.5 year old refused. I wanted him to wash his hands. So I said “let’s do it the funny way”. I put soap on his hands and had him wash them in a bowl of water. He loved it. I won because I got clean hands. He won because he didn’t have to wash them the normal way. its hard to come up with ideas on the fly but the more you try to look at problems this way the easier it is and for me it’s been great to see my son start to do the same. Good luck!! You got this.
I agree with boundaries 100%! Not so much with win-win. Most situations in life do not allow for a win-win, and your goal as a parent is to raise a successful, well adjusted adult, who understands sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do. That starts when they have to wash their hands when they don’t want to. If that’s the rule, that’s the rule. Rules are not games, and might not be fun, but have to be respected. All the win-win in your example did was prevent a temper tantrum, which in the long run, may be short sighted. It’s the lesson that rules are rules that is key.
Layla you are doing great!!! We’re all rooting for your family!
I 100% agree with you that our job as parents is to raise successful adults who function in the world. To me I look at the hand washing situation as me teaching my child conflict resolution. We had a conflict and we figured out a way to resolve it together so we both felt great about it. This is what’s so great about parenting…we all find what works for us and our families and do are best. And that’s all anyone can do. It’s just nice to hear different perspectives every so often to either change your own or affirm that you agree with the parenting style you’ve chosen. Layla will find the style that works for her and her family….whatever that is.
I am thinking of you. I commend you for being honest and real. I read another blog whose mom has an adopted child and such a rosy picture is painted. It takes courage to be honest and this Mom of three thanks you for sharing your truth. May God bless you and your sweet little family. Carry on mama!
Layla.
As a mom I have gone through days and days of saying OH Mercy!!!
As a grandma, I now hear my daughters fears, troubles, and frustrations
with her 2 beautiful children. I also get to see her endless love and joy
that is shared with each new day. My sweet grand daughter is the most angelic
Lovable and loving and creative person I have ever met. She has a quality unlike any other. She has certain developmental immaturity and is having a hard time catching up in school. She is the model student but does blow at home. It has gotten better the older she gets to try to express her frustrations and feeling. She still has great difficulty with that.
I can not imagine how difficult it is for you all with a language difference, a cultural difference and a life of knowing a small piece of a great puzzle. I believe that his communication skills will get better every day and his stability and self esteem will follow and grow with you and Kevin.
You will lead by example cause you are an amazing young woman and mother.
You will always have your fam and friends and God to carry you through these unsure and crazy times. You are brilliant to seek out help and support.
Love always to you all.
I saw a post on IG that basically said “This is your life because you are strong enough for it” and that is useful for me when things are particularly tough. I re-grammed it!
You spent a lot of time and energy to get to this point, having your boy at home, you can do this! The resources are all in place. You and your husband have the love and the strength to do this and little P will be better for it. Stay the course. XOXO.
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/inside-transracial-adoption-beth-hall/1114333880?ean=9781849059053
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/attaching-in-adoption-deborah-d-gray/1111877113?ean=9781849058902
I was wondering if these might help………..
We are in a different situation but there are also similarities. I wish I had magic words for you, but in their absence, I will say that I appreciate your effort, your love, your honesty, the good moments and the bad hours. I wish you all the best. And I hope for better days for my family too.
We always have prayer but I believe God has put all kinds of people in our life. Always, always look for help. And part of your Mothering experience will be in helping others understand your little guy. He is a reminder to all of us of all the children in the world who are suffering now and need more than we can supply.
Lots of love and encouragement. You are amazing
Feel the hugs! We all need reassurance. God selected you all to be a family. It is “right”.
I am by no means an expect, currently raising my biological child … which at times tests my strength but I believe children need boundaries and discipline.
I know a family that adopted domestically boys that came from an abusive situation. The family showered the boys with love and material things but little discipline or boundaries. The boys now have had numerous run-ins with the law including jail time.
I believe love alone is not enough … you must set boundaries and provide consist discipline to raise healthy, happy, responsible children.
Yep. Our boundaries are actually one of the main things he struggles with, and figuring out the best way to discipline is actually one of the main things we’re still trying to figure out. I’m sure we’ll all settle into a less “sensitized” groove eventually…life is just a little extra turbulent right now. 🙂
I guess I can’t type today. Consistent is what it should read.
Dear Layla; I think you are doing just beautifully. I adopted a little girl as a single mom and it took four years. She was so tiny, so beautiful and could be so loving one moment and raging, biting, hitting, hiding, destructive the next. I was scared I would not be able to be the parent she needed. The situation seemed so big and I felt so small. But with a great therapist, some needed medication for adhd, lots and lots of prayers, studying, time, etc. she is 15 and doing beautifully. We still have situations and she will probably always have nameless fears to conquer but she loves God, her family, and is a source of strength and encouragement to so many other special need children. Peace and blessings,
I am thinking of you both. As parents, we all have days that are overwhelming. We question whether our decisions are the right ones…we worry we have could/ should have done things better. We worry because we care. These little beings are our responsibility and we feel it to our core. Their anxiety becomes our anxiety. You are going through this roller coaster of emotions with your little one…and feeling each bump along the way. These lessons (although uncomfortable) are precious. They are helping you understand where he is at this moment. It is not where he will be forever…he is telling you, that’s where he is just this minute. Your love will get him through this. On difficult days, allow yourself to feel it…it’s normal. But always remember tomorrow is another day. The sun will rise, and there will be new hope. Fresh air is always good, and an uplifting tune. Make that breakfast and dance around that kitchen…Sending you my love, strength and the warmest hug, Jo xxx
Our kids are 36, 34, & 33 and I still struggle with how I parented and the kind of wife I was. I take those thoughts to my heavenly father and ask him to show me how to be a better wife/mom/grandma now. Self-condemnation is replaced with redemption and hope. What a relief!
It is amazing that the words “this too shall pass ” have echoed through different responses..
There has been wonderful caring encouragement..I hope you drink it in deeply, for they are right, you are already a loving mother..God will give you discernment for the boundaries, and you will all learn together, which will knit you together .
The Lord still helps me so much with being parent, of a 28 yr old sometimes struggling son..
Praying for you!
Layla, This is hard…so hard. We recently brought home our 4th and 5th adopted children from Haiti and I can attest to the fact that parenting these children from hard places is the HARDEST thing I have ever done. I had many tough days with my first three kids, but these past few months have depleted me and some days I just pray for strength to make it through one more day.
One night this past week I was tucking my 5 year old newly adopted daughter in after a particularly challenging day. I was teary and had just apologized for losing my patience with her and yelling at her. In my mind I was praying for God to protect her heart and help her heal on the days when I fell short. At that very moment, after I apologized for yelling and prayed that silent prayer on my head, she reached up and put her hands in my face and said “Kimberly still love mama. Kimberly always love mama.” God immediately answered my prayer and my strength was renewed to keep pushing forward and to just keep doing my best…even when it is not perfect.