Kevin and I drove down to my mom’s place this weekend, so we could spend time with her and my brother and my nephew…and the Gulf of Mexico…
(Me and my nephew, at Navarre Beach, FL)
We stared at it ’til our feet and ankles had disappeared waaay into the sand, and he told me he loved me “deeper than the part of the ocean with sharks in it” that day.
Month. MADE.
And when he reached over to hold my hand during Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs after we got back to my Mom’s place?
Heart. SMITHEREENS.
On the way back from Florida, Kevin and I listened to Diane Sawyer on Oprah Radio’s, “Master Class”. Have you heard/seen that one? I never realized how soothing her voice was until I was just listening to it on the radio. It made me wish I had a more soothing voice. Do kids respond better to soothing voices? I know I didn’t want to stop listening.
One of my favorite parts of Diane’s interview was when she said, “I read once, that this great physicist (who won a Nobel Prize) said that every day when he got home, his Dad asked him not what he learned in school but, ‘Did you ask any great questions today?‘ I always thought, what a beautiful way to educate kids. That we can be excited by their questions- not by our answers, and whether or not they can repeat our answers.” — Diane Sawyer
Mind. BLOWN.
I LOVE that, don’t you? “That we can be excited by their questions- not by our answers and whether or not they can repeat our answers.”
I felt lucky to have tuned in just seconds before she said it. What a great reminder to be intentional about experiencing the wonder that goes quietly rides along with teaching and learning from each other. Sharon Salzberg once wrote, “Curiosity broadens our world and opens our hearts. It is a way to shift out of being on automatic pilot, so that we can see a situation, a person, or an emotion with fresh eyes”. Here’s to seeing the extraordinary side of ordinary today! #AndEveryDay
Kevin and I have been together for 10 years now. We spent the first couple on the road together, the next few working together at a photography studio, and the last five building e-businesses that have simultaneously Grown and Humbled us in ways we never could’ve imagined. All that to say, we’ve spent a lot of time together. So as you can imagine, we’ve covered almost every topic of discussion you can think of. But it wasn’t until we started talking about turning the two of us, into a three of us (through adoption), that we started to think/talk about how we’d parent a child.
(Kevin, and our neighbor, fishing down the street)
We’ve talked a lot about which parts of our own parent’s parenting styles we want to incorporate into our personal parenting style, and I’m sure it goes without saying that we’ll learn the most about how to best parent our child when we actually become parents, but in honor of my serendipitous satellite-streamed brush with Diane Sawyer this weekend, I thought it would be fun to open up a discussion about your favorite parenting tips and techniques today. If you have any words of wisdom you’d like to share with the folks reading this post, we’d love to hear them! (Mom G, Mom P, and Aunt Chriss- that means you, too!)
PS- For pics between posts, join us over on Twitter, Facebook and/or Instagram!
Centsational Girl
Beautiful post my friend! I’m so excited for your journey! You’re so right about the “soothing voice” – children are drawn to them and they’re so much more persuasive than a voice raised in anger, especially when they’ve done something wrong. Spending time with them is the most important thing, encouraging their curiosity, and ensuring they follow their passions – resisting the urge to make them conform to your ideas for their future and trusting if they work hard and grow in their personal talents, they will succeed and be happy as adults. It’s an amazing thing to be entrusted with the heart of a child, treasure every moment.
xoxo
Kate
christienne
Love this post! Love you guys!
I have 2 boys, they are 10 and 8 and I feel like parenting is a learning process for both parents and our children every day!
My best tip for you is to always LISTEN. If we would listen more than we speak, we would learn so much. Don’t assume when they say something that they know the full extent of what you know and have learned in YOUR lifetime.
Here’s a perfect example: One day my 8 year old came home from school saying his older brother used the “C” curse word. I could see my husband was about to blow a gasket on son #1, because he firmly asked ‘HOW DO YOU KNOW THE C WORD?’ I stepped in and said to son #2 “what’s the c word he said? I give you permission to say it to me and tell me what you heard”.
To which the 8 year old said “he said CRAP mom!”
Oh, and always be on the same page with your spouse. Once they realize one of you will give in they will play you against each other!! Stand strong and stand together as you raise them!!
Best of luck in the adoption process!
Nancy
It reminds me of the time that my 9yr old DS came home saying Oh SHIP, Oh SHIP and I told him that still wasn’t acceptable language even though it wasn’t the true swear word. Ah kids.
Heather Beals
I LOVE this! I’m a mom of 3 girls under 5. Obviously I want them to have manners and I’ve found a lot of kids aren’t being taught this anymore. The one thing we stressed when our first was little was instead of just saying no all the time to say, we don’t do this and this is why. Even when she was a toddler. It really works for us, and I believe our kids have also grasped the english language a little earlier because our #1 rule was always no baby talk. We’ve always talked to them like they are little humans.
Cheryl @ Living Design
I’m not a parent yet (kids are a couple years down the road for us) but I love the “no baby talk” rule. I’ve volunteered as a camp counselor, and I do a lot of babysitting, and I’ve discovered one of the best ways to bond with kids is to treat them like what they say matters. One of the ways to show them that their words matter is by responding to them as thinking beings. Sometimes this means defining words for them, sometimes it means whipping out the dictionary to look up a definition together. The 10 year old I babysit once told me that she likes when we learn words together. Teaching a kid that adults still learn, and that learning can be fun? Score!
Shirley Miklusicak
So agree with you. We NEVER talked baby talk to our kids either. They are forming their language skills and they learn what they hear, It’s kind of funny, because I took my son somewhere, and the person started talking baby talk to him. My son just look at him then at me like saying, ” What’s wrong with him.” I will never forget that look on his face. It proved to me that we were doing the right thing. PLUS, he had very good verbal skills.
Cheryl
I didn’t become a mom until the age of 41. I waited a very long time to become a mother and thought I was so very prepared to be a mom. I discovered that nothing can ever prepare you to be a mom. Overall, I have learned to breath. There are so many times recently I had to take a very deep breath and take a step back, especially after my seven year old daughter was recently diagnosed with ADHD. My life has been changed forever and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. You have a love that consumes your life in a way you can never explain in words. I sincerely cannot wait until you have this experience Layla, you will be a wonderful mom.
janice
Sometimes I would just whisper. They had to really listen then. Diffused a lot of frustration for me and them. Loved to watch their little faces when.eyes would get so big as they didn’t want to miss anything:)
Lizzy
Great topic!
I only wish I could mimic the style, patience, and love of my parents’ parenting technique but one specific that stands out is that they rarely ever gave my brothers and me the answers to our questions. They often answered our questions with questions and my mom almost always referred us to our collection of huge, ugly encyclopedias (yeh, it was the 80’s!). While our daughter is only 3months old, our son is 2.5 years and we already encourage him to seek out answers to his own questions. We ask HIM a lot of questions so that he really considers his surroundings and actions. We already notice that he has a super advanced knowledge of cause & effect and recognizes the finer things. As for me, I rarely ask a question without doing oodles of research on my own first…and thanks to the www, research is much faster than thumbing through encyclopedias! 🙂
Betsy Derr
I have four grown sons and three baby grands, two of which I had for six days last week, reminding me just how demanding they are. Parenting takes patience, selflessness, consistency and commitment. It is truly an adventure in dying to self. When I wanted to check my e-mail and my Facebook last week, I had a two year old wanting to sit on my lap and play with the keyboard, constantly asking “Why?”, constantly saying, “Gama, Gama, Gama, Gama…”, from 6am until 7:30pm, with one, nice, long afternoon nap! Thankful to God for naps! All the while she was on my lap, the one year old was crawling around getting into everything. I love, love, love to play dress-up, read, go outside with them, and play on the floor with them, but I must say that preparing food for them three times a day, cleaning up all kinds of accidents, constantly having an eye out on them, bathing them, brushing their teeth and all the other things required to care for them, takes tons and tons of time and patience and once again I have to add, dying to self. You will not have the time you now have (for a very long time) to pursue all your own dreams, desires, crafts, projects (fill in the blank). But! It. is. WORTH IT!!!
Betsy Derr
P.S. I found that being out every night of the week was way too much for me! So I allowed each of my boys two activities, one had to be our church’s Awana program, the other was an activity of their choice. The oldest was into sports and now is a Hollywood Stuntman. The next loved playing piano and now plays in a worship band every week and has had some pretty cool gigs! The next, also a boy!, loved to tap dance and did that for 9 years before transferring the beat from his feet to his hands and took up the drums, also playing in our worship band. The last son wanted to play guitar and at age 17 is quite the mean guitarist, also playing in our church’s worship band each week. It is so fun to watch them develop their gifts and talents, and especially rewarding to watch them use them for God’s glory!
Beth in the City
The most soothing voices to your child will be yours, no matter how soothing you may sound to other people. I’m enjoying your parenting journey – I have an adopted sister and there is just nothing quite like a gotcha day! The anticipation I felt that day (I was 11) was so incredible! The bonding that happened before we ever touched foot on the same continent was amazing. And totally different than loving a screaming child in the middle of the night, b/c that was my mom’s job, I slept through any such shenanigans. 🙂
Pam
I raised both of my kids as a single mom. We spent a LOT of time talking… about everything. Anything they asked, I answered. And if I didn’t have the answer, we found it together. It is a scary world, and my kids and I knew with each other and God we would make it. (We went through both Columbine and 9/11 as they were growing up.) I always tried to speak to my kids as an equal, with respect. When they got in trouble, we talked until I was sure they understood where they had gone wrong, how to fix it and how to avoid it in the future. And I always apologized when I was wrong. We now (they are both in their 20’s) have a mutual respect for each other and a close friendship. I recently almost died and my son literally saved my life. I feel that I can trust them with my life, much like they did me when they were young. The fact that you are even thinking about these things is an indication that you will both be fine parents. Pam
Mags
I developed a really serious neurological condition a few years ago and one of the really quirky effects that it has left me with is that I now question everything, just like being a child again and bizarrely I love it. I think when we grow up we forget to keep asking questions and we either accept things as they are or we live in fear of being ridiculed for not knowing the answers to things. When I was really seriously ill I had no memory and only constant repetition and questioning kept me (or made me) sane again. Now I’m not quite sure if its become a new habit to keep asking questions or if its still a symptom of the condition, but either way who cares, asking questions is awesome!!
Suzy B
Best advise I can think of is do what you feel is right for you & Kevin. Teach child to be kind, a good friend, thoughtful & to write thank you notes!
Deb Zavoyna
I loved this post. I’m sure you’ll both be amazing parents! Parenting advice? Just BE THERE for your kids. Talk to them. Discipline when needed.(By discipline I mean rules, follow through, and boundaries. Please…too many people of our generation don’t.) Really listen. Spend time with them however you can. And try to laugh when times are tough. Finding humor in difficult times will help you through. And, of course, enjoy every moment because suddenly they’re grown. God Bless.
Cheryl
I have two boys…ages 17 and 23. They are wonderful and amazing, and I have loved every single second of being their mom. Of course, there were not-so-lovely moments too, but mostly, being their mom has been fun, educational, thrilling and humbling…sometimes all at once. We are a military family, so many times, for months at a time, it was just me and the boys, and I think that went a long way in shaping the relationship that I have with these boys that are now men. The best advice I can give you? Listen to your kids. I mean, really listen. Some days, when they’re little, you might give anything for them to be quiet for a just a few minutes, but they want to talk with you. They want you to know them and they want to know you. When you really listen, you get a front row seat to their imaginations, their sense of humor, their intellect, and to their hopes and dreams. As they grow, you get to have teenagers that will still come talk to you because they trust you to really listen. When they grow up and achieve some of those dreams they shared, you can know in your heart that you helped get them there because you made sure they knew that they were important and could do anything…because you listened.
leanne
i have learned that the quieter and calmer i speak…the better they HEAR me. they have to lean in…which then turns into an embrace. even when they are getting a “friendly reminder” to make a better choice…they know i love them. it also teaches respect… xo
Julie
Tell your children (child)” I Love You” at random times, of course you do all the time, but those unexpected times mean alot. It rubs off, my son who is 16 said I love you to me while watching a tv show together on the couch the other night. My heart melted, so sweet from a teenager.
Amber
The best advice we got when we became parents was to remember that “it’s just a phase.” This helps with the long nights of broken sleep because of teething, to the talking back of an older child.
Also, parenting knocks you off your feet. It is overwhelming to go from being worried about yourself and your spouse to caring for a child around the clock. You go from being able to make a decision to second guessing everything you do as a parent. And you lose a little freedom. You go from running to the store to figuring out how long you can be away from home until the bus arrives to drop off the kindergartener or how many bottles and diapers to pack for a trip to the grocery. These were all things I didn’t even think about before being a mom.
But the love you feel for them, sometimes comes on in an instant, others it’s a slower process, will make your knees buckle. It simply amazing how your heart will grow when you get your child. And to see you husband care for your child will make you swoon. Parenting is a wonderful thing.
Katy @ Lolly Linens
Hey Layla, I always wanted 6 kids but never found the right guy to have them with and now I can’t have any. 🙁 BUT, I am an aunt and a couple of things come to mind that I’ve done with them – – I always ask when they’ve finished a soccer, football, gymnastics game / class if they had fun, not if they won or not, but if they had fun. As long as they had fun that was all that mattered.
Another thing I always do is have a pantry & fridge full of fun stuff to eat. They don’t have to ask me if they can have anything – they just get it when they want it and they can have as much as they want! So, we have popsicles for breakfast and cake for supper. Am I the coolest aunt e.v.e.r!!
Netty
I just became a parent 7 months ago today and the biggest thing I’ve learned so far is to have the courage to change your mind, trust your gut and listen to what your child is telling you he/she needs. 🙂 It’s awesome…. and you’ll be a great parent and have a great voice for it. 🙂
Susan
Our twins are now 27. We have an awesome relationship.
Here’s a few things that stand out to me:
Every child has both universal and unique needs. The discovery of that uniqueness is what parent is all about. Foster that.
Kids need you the MOST when they are at their worst.
I never, ever hit my children. They got a time out or privileged revoked when needed.
They all walk, talk, potty, and dress themselves by the time they go to kindergarten. Don’t freak out comparing your child to others. My twins did NOTHING at the same time as small children-and it all worked out fine.
As they got older, they had chores, but no curfews.
Instead, we talked about where they were going, with whom, etc and what a reasonable time to return home would be.
To become responsible, one has to be given responsibility.
I insisted on art, music and language. every day.
READ all the time-limit TV and internet.
Let them find their passion by trying new things. Kids who have a hobby, a sport, and a passion for something-music, dance, legos-will stay out of trouble.
The most important thing is just to love the, unconditionally. They will test you on this-many times- but once they know it’s really true, they will unfold the wings of their soul and just soar.
Pam
This might need to go down as one of the best posts ever! Parenting or should I say mommying is where my heart sings. I remember reading to my sweet babies while pregnant, Whoever You Are by Mem Fox, and I would get emotional every time. I knew I wanted to mother children that loved God and others without seeing their outer appearance but their hearts. We are doing that and working on keeping it that way each and everyday. I love that my sons still want to share their hearts with me and they are 12 and 10. I have never wished them older, although I can’t say that I wouldn’t mind them slowing down a little, but I have loved them right where they are. I wish you all the best on this journey and I ask that if you have a prayer list for your blogland friends that you will pray for my sister and her husband because they too desire a little one.
Julianna
While one might want to rush through bedtime after the kids are at an age where the day wears down a mommy’s brain and she needs solitude, it is the best time to listen. If the hour of sleep is important, start the routine a little earlier so that when they want to talk, even if it’s a tactic to stay awake, or they get out of bed with a superfluous question you, the parents will get to hear that deep thought, insight, or spiritual question and share some–not always– unbelievable moments to cap the day.
linda t
Our children are grown and gone, but while they were growing up we tried to ask our kids every night over dinner “what did you learn today that you didn’t know yesterday?”. I think that made them more aware of what they were learning and excited to share with us. And for me (rather ADD), what I share out loud always sticks in my head better.
I remember someone telling me that those words we got wrong in a spelling test will be the words we will never forget how to spell right for the rest of our lives. So when my kids came home with wrong answers I would tell them ‘good’, now you will never forget the right answer. 🙂
Janita Gaulzetti
Beautiful post…you guys know wisdom when you see it and that will make you good parents! I’m a single mom and have treasured this little bit of advice which appeared in one of Ann Landers’s columns years ago. I probably put it on my bulletin board and fridge when my daughter was 6. She turns 17 this month and I know this to be really true:
You can use most any measure when you’re speaking of success.
You can measure it in fancy home, expensive car or dress.
But the measure of your real success is the one you cannot spend.
It’s the way your kids describe you when they’re talking to a friend.
And the poster who suggested whispering — genius!
Janita
Loui♥
Parenting for me has always been about sharing honestly with my child.No question is off limits..
that meant, getting down to his level when answering his questions. depending on the age of the child,answer in words appropriate to the age,the key being not the depth and detail of the answer, but listening and replying. My baby is now 46, he will always be my baby, but he also is an adult which i respect..but we also share laughter and giggles, seriousness and frivolity..thoughtfulness,opinions..above all LOVE! it is not uncommon to pick up the phone to hear..Hi Mom, I need a hug..got a few to share and a few minutes to listen? He as a teenager, knowing he could always call collect, rang me up in the middle of the day COLLECT just to say he needed a hug and this was the number to call anytime day or nite!
my favorite quotation from him uttered as a three year old toddler..:
“Mommy, know why you are the BEST Mommy in the whole wide world?
’cause you NEVER EVER run out of kisses and bandaids!”
tricia
The best gift to your children is time! Spend lots of time, talking and listening…really listening. .Makes for the most well adjusted kids ever! You will be terrific parents!
Martha
Great post!!! My grandfather was in his mid 90 when I was pregnant with my daughter. He gave me the best advice ever – Treat them right and they will be just fine. I always try to remember that I am the parent but respect runs both ways.
Laura
I’m a mom of a 19 month old and am currently 8 months pregnant with our second. Sally Clarkson is an author who I respect so much with regard to motherhood. One line that sticks out of her books to me is “faith, not formulas.” SO MANY books give steps and directions with parenting and it’s very disheartening as a new parent when it’s not working the way you had hoped. I’ve learned more to trust my husband and I’s instincts, not worry about comparing my child’s progress to others, and being okay when my parenting style looks a bit different than my best friend’s. 🙂
Stacy
Sweet post. You are right, you will learn the most about parenting when you meet your child and personalities start to interact. I have 3 boys and parenting has simultaneously been everything and nothing like I thought it would be. One nugget of advice I’ll share is to say ‘yes’ to as much as you can because there will be plenty you’ll need to say ‘no’ to.
kristin
Remember Heather Beals comment! I just read a few to keep my mind open to the important stuff and that gave me chills. Exactly what we did with our girls!!! Do NOT assume they are too young to understand. I am embarrased to see myself on video. I explained alot of stuff to my oldest on those videos! I think “gosh shut up Kristin!”. Let me tell you–I have two amazingly talented, intelligent, creative girls. I think talking/explaining simple to complex ideas with them is huge. Questions will follow when they can speak. But do this when young–they hear your voice and will pick up on what you say. That and promote/encourage CREATIVITY!!!!! My daughters were “creative monsters” in their younger years. (Still creative but in other ways now:) ) And I have been shown up! I was foolish enough to say I didn’t know if a working candy dispenser could be made from a shoe box. I never again questioned what they could do!! (Good thing because I have been blown away over the years.) I pulled a button and out slid a piece of candy! EXPLAIN and CREATE!!
Katja @ Shift Ctrl ART
Love that quote! And what an amazing journey you have had. That is awesome.
Being consistent and follow through is probably the best advice I have ever heard and the one advice I see other parents dump the fastest. (Although they will still claim to be consistent – and don’t be insinuating otherwise or they will be very offended ;))
Probably because it is exhausting and when you are really tired because you just got up 50 times – talking toddler years here – then it is just so enticing to stay seated time number 51. If you can still get up, though… more power to you.
A good piece of advice I got before having B was this: If you don’t want to offer something every time, then don’t offer it the first time. Example: Opening a package at the supermarket and start snacking before getting to the register. This is so cute and awesome the first time, but is it what you want to be doing EVERY time you go to the super market? Or buying that little trinket at the check-out? Once you raise an expectation, it will be there next time and you will have to have the argument about it.
Here is another good one: Don’t associate food with praise – or punishment. I found it very difficult to do at first because I was raised on those principles, but with a bit of effort, I did it and I have a child who does not associate food with feelings of worth.
There is so much to think about with kids. It’s fun and exhausting and rewarding all at the same time. I am excited for you to have your own experience with it!
Katja @ Shift Ctrl ART
One more thing: say yes to the silly things like taking the escalator that one more time or push all the buttons in the elevator or add a Mento to some diet soda. Love that!
Cory S.
I have an 11 year old Autistic son, and two neuro-typical young adult daughters of 23 and 24 years. What I’ve learned with raising the girls through the teenage years has been this military-minded question to myself, when there was conflict: “Is this the hill I want to die on?” If it was, then I stuck to my guns on the issue at hand.
With my son I had to take a HUGE mind reset when his diagnosis came back as Autism. I educated myself and then began the process of learning how the “mind and world of Darren” works. I’ve learned to be a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of gal (so not the old me). What works today may not work tomorrow. Be flexible! I must not be ridged at all in my expectations of what I think raising him should be.
Just embrace your child’s uniqueness. I like to think of my kids as spinning tops, that if I grab them, then I will stop their momentum, but if I hover near and just lightly tap them back into the right direction, they’ll keep going in that force that is inherent in a top.
Mia B
Layla, I have no parenting advice (no kids yet!) but wanted to tell you this post resonates with me so much! DH and I have 15 years together, the last 10 married, and as we get closer to moving to the next step of adding a third to our twosome we spend so much time discussing how we will do things, what our attitudes are about different parts of parenting, etc. It’s amazing, this man I’ve been with for 15 years and the things I’m just learning about him! I’m sure it’s completely a case of “armchair” parenting when we talk about what we plan to do and the reality will not be at all like we think it will be when we have these nightly discussions over a glass of wine. 🙂
Just last night, it was a case of the “bedtimes.” It came up in a completely non-parenting discussion (I can’t even remember what we were talking about) but it turns out he wants our theoretical children to have an early bedtime. I never had a bedtime in my whole life. Compromise, much? Ha! I was raised in a very free-form kind of hippie household, and he was raised very conservatively, and that has created the most hilarious discussions of all. Nudity? No big deal. Kids will probably want to be naked most of the time, too. Breast-feeding in public? Why not – you’d eat a burrito in a restaurant, right? Cloth diapers? Of course, it just makes good sense! Ultimately, I think of these talks as a strengthening our partnership, which is always a good thing, especially when we’re contemplating about such a radical upheaval in the form of small fries in the household. Good luck to you both, we are rooting for you!
Julie B.[Holland]
My kids are grown up now , but when they were young (girl and boy) I always tried to make what was ever important to them as imporant to me so they seemed to feel that security that they could tell me anything. For example my daughter and her boyfriends , “Mom isnt Tommy’s eyes just beautiful. I would always say and act like I knew how she felt and valiaded her feelings. Over the years I have to say I think my kids have always felt like they could come to me and talk about what was ever on their minds. Every child wants to be heard (dont we all) but I think that is how they search for their boundries and feel secure in their home surroundings. Also being flexible on certain topics when they get older sometimes no two situtations are the same. Being able to listen is key.
All my best wishes for you two on this journey, may your dreams come true.
Elisa F.
I love the advice via Diane and Oprah, and I’m going to use it today!!
Another wonderful piece of parenting advice I use daily also came to me via Oprah, actually from Toni Morrison when she was on one day. Toni asked of all parents: When your child walks in the room, does your face light up?
“When my children used to walk in the room, when they were little, I looked at them to see if they had buckled their trousers or if their hair was combed or if their socks were up. You think your affection and your deep love is on display because you’re caring for them. It’s not. When they see you, they see the critical face. But if you let your face speak what’s in your heart…because when they walked in the room, I was glad to see them. It’s just as small as that, you see.”
It might be hard to digest that right now, imagining your precious child and your life with him or her, and the long difficult journey you will have taken to finally be together, and OF COURSE you’ll be so happy see that sweet face every single day. But sometimes the days sort of grind, we get distracted or worried about grown-up things, but if you remember to light up each time, it’s such an amazing gift. A visible, easy to read sign for a child that he or she is cherished.
You and Kevin will be such amazing parents!
Karmen
So loved the Diane Sawyer quote! I am going to ask my girls that today after school! “Did you ask any great questions today?” Brilliant!
Tips: PLAY with your kids! We spent over an hour last night after dinner hitting a big pink playground ball around a circle seeing how long we could keep it in the air. SO. FUN.
Also, make it a point to eat dinner together every night. Around the table. No TV. No electronics. Just talking and telling stories of each other’s day. This is where we learn things about our kids and teach them.
Kim
You and Kev will be awesome parents!!! You have your faith (that’s #1) and you have a ton of love to give. As others have stated, listen and answer their questions, don’t evade them. I am the mom to a 9 yr old boy who has tons of questions. I answer them as best I can and like others, we will find the answers if I don’t know them. One person stated you wouldn’t have time for other things like crafting, etc. That is not true. I was told the same thing. I found time (naps, after bedtime). Do what is in y’alls heart and ask God for guidance.
Betsy Derr
Just to clarify: I didn’t say you wouldn’t have any time to pursue crafts, etc, I said, ” You will not have the time you now have (for a very long time) to pursue all your own dreams, desires, crafts, projects (fill in the blank). But! It. is. WORTH IT!!!”
You cannot possibly have as much time with kids as you have without kids to do all you do now.
Nap time is a great time to accomplish much, and so is night time, you can also rise earlier, but I found I was tired during those times and had laundry, dishes, cooking, dusting, errands, time with hubby and lots more to do during those times and less time to make homemade Christmas ornaments or whatever. Of course, you are the one to decide how to spend your free time. I’m just saying you will not have as much free time.
Jennie Clarke
The best advice I ever received when worrying about “will she ever grow out of her pacifier?” was: Your child will not be an adult walking around with a pacifier, or sucking her thumb, or only eating crackers and cheese… etc. Growth happens in it’s own sweet time. Enjoy the moments, and don’t worry so much!
Also, just be there. Show them that they are your priorty. Show them you want to be with them… and they in turn, will want to be with you. A total win win!
Krystle @ Color Transformed Family
I have only been a mom for seventeen months so I don’t have a lot of advice to give. Besides marriage, parenting is one of the most selfless things you can be a part of. Often time I find my own selfishness getting in the way though: Wishing our little one would just go down for a nap already, skipping playtime with her to finish up a project just so I can have more time to myself when she goes down for a nap, and so many other cases. My husband ms gently reminds me that these moments and stages won’t last forever and just to enjoy them while I can. That’s the best I advice I can give. Enjoy each moment that God blesses you with.
Rene' Foust
What a wonderful thought provoking post! I have grandchildren that I am going to begin to ask that question to, I just love it. I have a feeling that you and your husband will make wonderful parents and your children are going to love you with abandon! My children are raising children of their own now and I have been told that I did a wonderful job with both of my children. (not bragging) sorry if it sounds as though I am. But I will tell you what I tell them be sure that your children take ownership of their actions, hold them accountable but love them unconditionally. Keep order in chaos and listen to them. Love them!
Something tells me you already know all of this.
janet @ ordinary mom
My kidlets are 6 & 8. They are amazing kids and I do love the questions they ask. In fact, I realized the other day that the routine in our house before a question is raised is always them asking me “Mom, can I ask you a question?” And my response is always “You can ask me anything.”
And they know I mean it. So they do. Ask me anything.
Which often leads us to the computer to look up the longest whale, the busiest airport and sometimes the name of that guy who does the voice of the character in this or that movie. I never know what.
And I love it.
🙂
Leen
I love this post!! So glad you were able to spend time with your family. Is this the nephew that lived near us?
I’ve been a parent for 22 years (yikes!) and I can tell you that the most important thing you can do (whatever their age is) is listen to them…intently. It’s too easy to say mm-hmm as your working or cooking or whatever and only half listening. They know when you are giving them your full attention. It will give them confidence and let them know your value their thoughts and feelings, especially when they reach that stage when they aren’t talking so much anymore (it’ll pass!)
So excited for you both, you’re going to be amazing parents!!
Amy
I think one of the most important things that I have learned in being a parent is to tell children what TO DO instead of what NOT to do. We get so caught up in the Stop! Don’t! Leave that alone! Don’t touch! that we don’t give them an alternative or even an explanation. It’s important to do this from toddlerhood all the way to those teenage years. We need to teach children responsibility and if we are clear on our expectations and direction, they can learn to be more accountable. And, they turn out to be pretty cool people!
Angie
I have two grown boys 23 and 20. One is a college graduate with a full time job, living on his own. the other is a second year student at a state university. They are not perfect, but they are good. I have several parenting tips I would like to share:
1. set the expectations and consequences and stick to it. The first time my youngest son was 5 minutes late for dinner (he was told to be home at five) we grounded him for 3 days. He couldn’t believe it! “but I was only 5 minutes late!”. But from then on he was always home on time or would call if he was going to be late. Which in turn allowed us to give him more freedom.
2. don’t be afraid to admit that you are wrong. We all make mistakes in the heat of frustration or anger, and say or do things we didn’t intend to. Don’t be afraid to tell your child that you made a mistake and apologize. It’s ok to say “you were right”.
3. Don’t hold grudges. When it’s over, it’s over. Let it go. Don’t keep reminding your child about incidents.
4. Pick your battles.
5. Listen Listen Listen. Don’t offer advice unless asked. It’s amazing how much your child will tell you if you keep your mouth shut and ears open.
6. Use the car to talk about serious issues when the opportunity presents itself. I can’t tell you how many conversations we had in the car about drugs, drinking, sex etc. Keep the radio off. Even if they’re texting they can hear you.
7. Make sure your children know what absolutely will not be tolerated: drugs, drinking and driving, etc and reiterate that whenever the opportunity arises.
8. Don’t do everything for your children. Let them do for themselves whatever is age appropriate. Including making decisions. Give them the options but let them choose and deal with the consequences of their choices (good or bad).
9. Tell them you love them and tell them often. Let them know how long you waited for them and prayed for them. Tell them this when it is the hardest for you during those frustrating times.
10. Don’t forget to LAUGH. Have fun and cherish them.
Lonna
I love reading all the wisdom above! I have 4 boys 5 and under. I’m learning a lot about serving and humility and never saying never 🙂 What an amazing and transforming process it’s been!
On the practical side: it’s easy to say No to the millions of request each day, but it sure isn’t fun to hear no all the time, I don’t want to be a “dream squasher.” Also, despite the urge to rush or hurry my kids when it’s time to go, it’s best to refrain. The mood set by rushing them frustrates me, sends them spiraling and in the end does not make anything quicker or easier! It’s best just to plan on leaving early always, or be ok with being late!
Aimee
I love Diane Sawyer! I agree, her voice is so soothing. And my goodness, just what does that woman put on her face? I think she’s in her 60’s but looks sooo much younger.
My parents never shielded us from life’s pain and disappointments when we were children. As a result, we learned how to cope (with their encouragement and support, of course!). Even though that’s a really important skill to have, moms don’t like to talk about it because it’s not a “warm and fuzzy” part of parenthood. Best of luck to you on your journey.
Nancy
I was an extremely young mother and feel I didn’t do that good of a job. BUT.. with my grandchildren I am intentionally different. When they are here, which they are a lot. :), I make the time to do things with them. Doing the things they want. And most importantly, I listen!!! I have found each of the 5 to be so funny and entertaining and smart and different. Their Papa and I will spend at least an hour after they leave every time just going over the things they have said or done. And we are usually laughing the whole time. 😀
My best advice to new/young parents is listen and play. A LOT!! I have thought about you and Kevin even when I wasn’t reading your blog, and how I wished I had had your heart and desire when I was younger. I know I can’t go back but am determined to leave a lasting, loving impression on my grandkids. I can’t wait to see the little person God places under your wings!
Orghlaith
Our son is mentally and physically disabled. We needed to find calm ways of teaching and reinforcing lessons. We use ‘Show me…” and a lot of laughter. Sometimes we misinterpret what he is saying (making mistakes and laughing about it). And we always touch and hug, especially during corrections. Letting our son know that mistakes are good things and not to be punished has helped him learn to accept his handicaps. We also make certain that he sees us admitting mistakes and correcting them. He is a loving, happy, hard working adult now.
Megan
“he told me he loved me “deeper than the part of the ocean with sharks in it” that day.” -You totally made my day Layla!! I think I would have started crying right there and then if it were me. There is just something about a child describing love that hits you right in the heart. Had a similar experience this weekend. My eldest turned 13 and I wrote a little something about how I feel about him on my Facebook page….well he read it…..tears welled up in his eyes and he ran over to me and hugged me tighter than I have ever felt! Of course I started cryin’ too….. Nothing like a childs love- whether it’s your own child or a nephew that shared some love on a beach- thanks so much for sharing as always. You never fail to put a smile on my face. YOU ROCK!!
Lisa W.
WHEW…well I have 3 children and I can simply say LOVE THEM…love them with all you got…that doesn’t mean to let them mis-behave by any means but LOVE THEM, that doesn’t mean by any means to let them not grow and learn from their own mistakes…ect. but JUST LOVE THEM!!! They are each different in their own ways but I don’t know ONE person on this earth that does not want to be loved exspecially by Mom:)
Jill P.
Layla, I love your blog and you and Kevin are such an inspiration. I am a mom of 4 kids. My oldest was diagnosed with cancer in 2011 and has been scanned twice since the end of his treatments and found to be disease free! You will receive all kinds of wanted and unwanted advice on parenting. #1, Pray, pray, pray. And when you feel all prayed up, pray some more! #2. Take all advice with a grain of salt. You will be the leading expert on your child. You will be their advocate. And don’t let discipline intimidate you. In the Bible it says that God disciplines us because He loves us as His own. I explain this to my own children, that I don’t discipline them simply because I want them to do things my way, but that I’m helping them to grow, because I love them. #3. Pray some more! You and Kevin will be wonderful parents! Keep looking up and let the Joy of the Lord be your strength!!
Heidi @ Decor & More
Wow, such an exciting time of preparation for you two! One thing I would say is that it’s great to be intentional about parenting (which you two are, discussing parenting styles); but you will find so many moments/situations/circumstances in which intention will go out the window — whether you want it to or not. So my advice to you is to keep your heart wide open at all times, your sense of humor firmly intact, and be prepared to spend a lot of time on your knees in prayer. Sounds simple, but it’s actually not! We have 5 kids, ages 26-14, so we’ve kind of run the gamut.
Praying for wisdom for you both… :). And the greatest happiness that goes along with parenting.
xo Heidi