Well, my first LuLaRoe online pop-up shop is officially up and running! Here’s a link to my online boutique if you’d like to take a look-see: Layla Palmer’s LuLaRoe Boutique
(LuLaRoe Classic T)
Boy was it challenging to take 300-some pictures of clothing with a very curious toddler in the house! I wasn’t able to get my Randy baseball tees or my Classic Ts photographed in time, so I’m planning to sell those in a Facebook Live sale one night this week. (If you’d like to join me, you can find me here: LuLaRoe Layla Palmer)
And speaking of our little babe, can you believe we’re celebrating two months home on Wednesday?
He is such a dynamo, y’all. Super funny and smart. He still knows his Haitian Kreyòl, but I would say he’s speaking about 80% (maybe even 90%) English now, and it never ceases to amaze me how fast he can pick up a new phrase or word. I have even noticed that I usually only have to tell him a new word one time and he never forgets it. Blows my mind! He’ll point at something and say, “An Kreyòl?“. Meaning, “I know what that is, but I want you to say what that is in Haitian Kreyòl”. If I know it, I’ll say it. If I don’t, I use my Google Translate app to quickly figure it out. Next, he’ll say, “An Anglè?“. Meaning, now tell me what it is in English. I’ll tell him, and then he whispers my answer back to himself a time or two and then boom. It’s like it’s locked in his head for good!
Whenever he sees a sunset or sunrise, or even a big, wide-open sunny stretch of grass, or sun sparkling on the lake, he points and exclaims, “Ohhh! Mama, Daddy! Look at d’ beautiful day!“. Today he pointed at a large, currently undecorated (but soon-to-be decorated) round hay bale sitting at the entrance of a nearby neighborhood and said, “Ohhh! Mama, Daddy! Look at d’ beautiful hay bale!“. Made me smile. 🙂 I love seeing the world through his eyes. Whenever he sees someone digging- whether it’s in a flower bed or in at a construction site, he says, “Ooh! Li fè food?“. (He/she makes food?) Meaning, his first thought is that food is grown in the ground and that people prepare things from scratch. (Mom, I know you’re smiling right now, too.) 😉
It has also been interesting to look back and see how our challenges have changed from week to week. For instance, he’s no longer interested in being in the kitchen (or insisting that he prepare all of our food), but now he’s having trouble remembering (or just flat out refusing) to go to the bathroom in the toilet- something he didn’t do the first month he was home. Needless to say, I’m doing a lot of laundry over here these days. 😉 I should also mention here that he was completely potty trained in Haiti, but it is very common for a child to revert backwards with certain things after they experience a massive transition like he did.
Some of our challenges have stayed the same, and even gotten more intense as time has gone on. For example, his raging/physical aggression (or the “hair trigger” possibility of it) continues to be the most difficult and somewhat unexpected challenge we face. During melt downs, kids that have experienced trauma can be so much physically stronger than usual, and some of his raging can last for several hours, so we’re hoping to find a therapist who specializes in adoption-related attachment in our area soon so that we can understand more about the best way to handle those episodes and help support his healing.
I’m careful not to overshare here because I want to be considerate of Steevenson’s feelings, but I also want to be honest about our experience because I think it’s important to be transparent and because I’d love to connect with other adoptive mamas whose kiddos are having a hard time transitioning too. If you’re one of those mamas, and you’d like to chat via email, I’m at LaylaPalmer (at) AOL (dot) com.
Monica Reynolds said it best…
This can be an extremely isolating and painful journey. Yet, what I continue to learn is that when I open up to friend, a kindred spirit, and share a piece of the dark, lonely, embarrassing, or horrifying reality that is part of our life, healing happens. Love happens. And evil loses because light begins to shine into the darkness. – Monica Reynolds, Emerging Mama
2 months!!!
Where has the time gone?
Dearest Layla!
Your are doing great! Really! Don’t be troubled. Everything you tell about is completely normal for any boy this age. They are furious sometimes. They often react in a physical way. They often forget to go to the loo, if everything is sooooo amazing or absorbing around them.
I don’t think that you and your son need a therapist, even if some of them can be really good. These are the nomal tasks and challenges of motherhood. And you are doing fine.
Love
Lola (mother of 3 boys and 1 daughter, 12,10, 8 and 4)
I know you mean well, but your comment really gets under my skin. If you have not walked in Layla’s shoes then how can you possibly know whether a therapist would help them or not? If she feels like she needs a therapist then most likely she does! Even though she is carefully sharing some of the struggles they are having we don’t know what is really going on deep inside each one of them. And telling someone not to be troubled is not helpful to a person who is troubled. Yes, all kids go through things, but not all kids have gone through what Steevenson has gone through. People are unique and we need to be sensitive about that. Yes, it is common for boys to be physical, have times of being furious, and forgetting the loo. Mine have done all these things, but Layla seems to be aware of these things and seems to be trying to sensitively describe issues that are deeper than what many kids would be facing. When you say a boy is being physical, furious, or forgetting the loo, that could mean one thing for one kid, and be on a completely different level for another kid. There are varying degrees of the same thing for different people.
I have not dealt with the same issues that Layla is facing, at all. But I have dealt with my fair share of my own trauma. And I have had well-meaning people say some very hurtful things that pushed me into isolation and hurt those relationships (words can show the person’s whole attitude toward you). When someone says that they know what you’re going through when they clearly don’t, or when they make light of what you’re going through by saying they have gone through it, when they clearly haven’t, it can be very damaging.
Please be sensitive and know that each person has their own trials. Come along side, be a compassionate listening ear, pray for the person, let them know you’re there for them and that you’re willing to help in whatever way they need, but please don’t tell them how to feel or what they need to do. Offer suggestions if they are welcomed, but sometimes people also get really tired of being told how to fix their lives. So just be sensitive about what is truly needed—usually it is just the knowledge that someone cares deeply about you, is there for you, and is willing to stand with you when you’re at your worst. Through the bad situations of my life I have found out who my true friends are, and I’m sad to say that there have been very few. Many, many people have walked away. But those few who have stayed with me at my worst are the ones worth having, the shining lights in my life.
Well said!
Wow!
Don’t be too harsh, she was only being kind. Her intentions were good, I do believe that.
Monica, I think you are way over reacting to Lola’s kind words of support.
Dear Monica,
sorry, but you are way over reacting, you are one of these commentators that prevent others from sending friendly messages. No one wants to be offended like that.
I totally agree with Lola – and neither you or me know her story. Let me say, I AM ADOPTED myself and my parents really did their best. I love them more than I can say up to today. Just for information: I was adopted when I was 4 (doesn’t matter why), now I am 32 and mother of two absolutely wonderful twins aged 7.
My parents tried to help me in any way and they sent me to a therapist. She was wonderful, really, kind and friendly – and I was so terribly unhappy to be with her. I always thought, that I was a failure, that my parents hat to “fix” me in any way, like the broken car, which had to be fixed. NO other child had to go to a therapist, it was only ME who was wrong, who made mistakes.
Fact is: I hated these hours, because I was the only one, who had to join them. When I got angry with my mother (sorry Mum, it was completely normal) – I had to talk to the therapist. My friend got angry with her mother, too – and she probably had to go to her room or wasn’t allowed to watch TV that evening. She never had to talk everything over and over, that was just a short episode, unimportant and quickly forgotten.
Can you see my point? I always knew, that I was adopted and it was absolutely NO problem for me, never. My parents were and are the most wonderful people in the world, but I still feel guilty and unhappy, when I think of these well meant lessons.
Don’t missunderstand me, I don’t blame anybody for anything. Neither my parents, who did their very best, nor the therapist, who was really good. But in my opinion, I could cope with everything that happenend just with the love of my parents and my wonderful home. I didn’t need these hours, I just went there to please my parents and after a while tried to say what was expected, just to keep everybody happy.
I had, apart from being adopted, a completely normal and happy childhood, and up to now a completely “normal” life, with University, my wonderful husband, who is American (I am not, as you realize) and a happy life.
Maybe Steevenson needs therapy, maybe not, but I think that loving parents can cope with the most situations by themselves. And, as another commentator says, motherhood ist a challenge.
Everybody lives in his shoes, that’s true, but I think it’s very important to accept different points of view without getting so offensive as Monica did.
Dear Layla, I hope my story will help you with your decision and your understanding for your boy. When I came to my new home – which I remember quite clearly, it was a wonderful day in late spring, there were some pink roses outside my window and some in a vase on my new nightstand, and a wonderful blonde doll was sitting on the pillow of my new bed – I suddenly felt being at home. At home! Nothing else, just in the right place, as if everything had waited for me. Don’t tell me, a child of 4 can’t remember that, and I have very vague rememberings of the following weeks and months but I can see this picture in my heart as if it had been yesterday.
With Love
Nadinja
Thank you for joining the conversation, Nadinja. I appreciate you taking the time to share your story so much- I loved reading about your homecoming memory!
As for the attachment therapist- I was actually thinking she would be for Kevin and I, not for Steevenson. I’d really just like to have some phone conversations about practical ideas and solutions that could help with issues that we’re not sure how to handle. Someone who has more experience with specific experiences would be so helpful right now.
Wow! That was brutal.
Layla! That Alabama sunshine is doing a work on your baby! He is sooo TALL!!!!! and handsome, I might add. I admire your strength and transparency. Motherhood is wild and crazy ride and so rewarding. Trust your instincts.
+1
Thank you for being honest, and for respecting Steevenson’s privacy, too. From the outside it looks like you’re striking a good balance between those two aims. And good for you for recognising that asking for help for yourselves and for him is good, and healthy, and helpful.
Hang in there!
I just wanted to add that if people can assume from your post that post-institutional behaviours are normal childhood behaviours then the balance of his privacy is being well kept. Does that make sense?
So, it’s ok for you to tell Lola what to do, how to react and what the “right” response should have been, but it’s not ok for Lola to do the same?
Lola, you’re fine. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and I feel that you were just trying to be kind and encouraging. You expressed your opinion and Monica expressed hers. Nothing wrong with either of those things.
Layla, Steevenson is a darling boy. I will keep you, him and Kevin in my prayers and hope that you find the answers you need. I do believe all three of you will come through this.
Thank you for joining the conversation, Monica. You are so right in that aggression and anger can look completely different from child to child, and I am so grateful for everyone that has coming alongside, listened to , and prayed for us throughout this process…especially during the past 8 weeks. I’m also happy to report we were contacted by a highly-recommended attachment therapist (who lives right here in our neighborhood!) shortly after I published this blog post. How cool is that? 😀 God really does work all things together for our good!
Well, I won’t bother you or anyone else any more with my private and personal opinion.Sorry.
Lola
Her words were harsh. Try to have an amazing day in spite of them. It’s one person’s opinion. Hugs ?
Wow. I want to apologize to you Lola that my words came across as harsh because that definitely was not my intent. It was obvious from your comment that you were caring and well meaning and for all I know Layla took it that way. I obviously don’t know how she took it. I was only trying to offer a different perspective that I think a lot of people may not consider. If you can forgive and look past my “harshness” I hope what I was trying to get across made at least a little sense. And I’m sorry if I was over-reacting to your comment but I can tell you that it has hurt me deeply when people have told me that the incredibly painful things I was going through were normal, as if everyone went through those things.
If anyone reading this has not clicked over to the link Layla shared from Emerging Mama at the very end of her post, I think it’s definitely worth the read and might shed some more light on why I wrote my comment to begin with.
I’m sorry for hurting your feelings, Lola. I hope you will forgive me.
Thank you for joining us here today too, Lola! I want to be sensitive to Steevenson’s privacy, but during his melt downs, we are actually seeing a level of rage and aggression that is extraordinarily intense, (bless his heart) something that is common in the adoption world, but that differs quite a bit from a child who didn’t experience trauma at a young age. And like I said to Nadinja- we’d like to talk (on the phone) with an attachment therapist who has experience with these (and other) issues so that we can make sure we’re handling them correctly- and hopefully we can learn how to lessen or avoid them if possible. Some of his raging has lasted for several hours at a time, which is traumatic and exhausting for all three of us.I do appreciate your encouragement though- we cherish every bit! XO
Thank you for your honesty and transparency. I will be praying for your sweet family, and asking God for some great resources and friends with similar stories to gather around you. Isn’t that what the body of Christ is for? To fill in our gaps and carry our burdens? May God bless you and keep you in these intense times.
Hi Layla
Sometimes we get so caught up in the wonder that we don’t think about the everyday … My first grandson was born the day before you brought Steevenson home! After helping watch him yesterday and spending a fussy time while he sobbed wondering what the heck can I do to help this little guy:( I realized that all I had prepared for was the love and happiness! I don’t mean I didn’t know there would be bumps, but your situation is similar to bringing home a newborn in the sense that everything is new, and they can’t always let us know what they feel or need at that moment.. I believe that love and understanding can conquer a lot…but keep your heart open to help, whether it be friendly, or professional. Only you and Kevin can know what you need at this time. Two months is early days..but my how the time will fly! I am the mother of two boys and now grandmother of one boy…you’ll get through this “bump” Take care..
Just don’t forget: You are the absolutely best mother for your child. No one else can do it the way you do. Even if motherhood is exhausting sometimes…
Sending good thoughts to your family!
Would you mind sharing the brand of the cute flip flop he is wearing? We had a flip flop disaster last week.
I will pray for you guys. Thanks for being so honest. It would be so easy to think everything is perfect just seeing the photos. Sending you all a big hug, love and prayers from Ontario.
Sarah Parham
Your honesty is so refreshing. You are both fantastic parents, and are giving Steevenson the consistency he needs. Hugs!! : )
An adoption based play therapist did wonders for helping our twin adopted boys, adopted at age 4, find the words to express their feelings about adoption and give them the words to understand and talk about it. A lot of anger can just be coming from the lack of capability to voice what he is feeling and thinking. Many prayers as you walk this journey!!
I have followed your story for so long and the blessings I have received from reading your journey are immeasurable. For several years my daughter has struggled with health issues (prayers please to anyone that reads this) and I feel like a “typical” family may be out of the question for her. Seeing your journey and the joy on your face when you are with that sweet little guy gives me so much hope in my heart. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
I’m praying for your daughter today!!
Also praying for your family today:)
I’m praying for your daughter –
Hi Layla,
I have an adopted Korean brother-he came to our home when he was 6. (He was abandoned.) I was in college when my parents adopted my brother so I was not as involved with some of the struggles…just aware of them. My brother stole things, hoarded food and had a really hard time adjusting to school. My parents in all honesty were not open about the issues going on…things “seemed” perfect. I agree with someone who said a play therapist could really help. (My sister is a therapist and she has explained how that can help so much.) What I will tell you is that the more you do now in the healing journey the better-as my brother, who is now 30 is finally a healthy adult. I truly believe if my parents would have been open about the troubles things would have not been so turbulent. I think Steevenson is still afraid of the unknown. You all are doing so very well!
I think accidents happen this time of year too because the weather is cooler and we forget that children aren’t sweating as much and they have to go more often. Trailing to give S the benefit of the doubt! 🙂
Thanks so much for keeping it real! I want to hear the bad with the good. Helps us know how to pray for you, too!
Layla,
I am a big fan of this parenting website.
http://www.janetlansbury.com/
She has a lot of insight into tantrums and child behavior and our parental reactions to them. Overall, this is the site I check first with any issues we have with our daughter. I know Steevenson’s situation is unique, but I think her perspectives might be able to help.
Good luck!
I had a friend tell me that HOPE is Hearing Other People’s Experiences. That’s why sharing with others that have the same problem is so important I found this acronym to be so true when I had breast cancer. God bless ! Prayers for you and your precious family.
My grandson is 4 1/2 yrs old and he also gets distracted when everyone is around, so potty breaks aren’t the first thing on his mind. I notice his dancing and crossed legs while he is playing and ask him if he has to go potty to remind him that it’s ok to go. I can only imagine what your son is processing with the transition of relocating and learning so much at once. You are doing great, just keep on going.
I have 2 boys and we were a military family. When my youngest was 2.5 we moved and he was mad. He started going in his pants again, he said that the toilet wasn’t his. It took a month or so but we got back to normal. Fall and the weather change sometimes causes it too.
I struggled with one of my two sons being physically aggressive. As a believer in non-violence this was very difficult for me. Eventually I realized that his aggression was motivated by fear. Talking about helping (defending) good people rather than hurting others helped him understand that aggression is only acceptable for self-defense or defending others. He is 25 now and a wonderful man. No aggression.
Steveenson has the most beautiful smile! I love the pictures!
Layla, Just keep those prayers going and with patience and understanding, you will get there! I think a therapist is a wonderful idea. There are lots of young children, adopted and not, who have anger issues. It’s just a lot for their little bodies and minds to process. He is just darling and two months is not a lot of time when you think of the enormity of this transition.
He is growing so fast!
Attachment.org is a good place to start if you are seeing incredible rages related to adoption. Be aware children with attachment issues can be very very charming to others but take out their attachment issues on the mother figure in private more than the father figure. So others around you may be seeing a different child (almost like a chameleon ) and say you are over sensitive, overy reacting, etc. When you actually are not.
You hit the nail on the head, Denise. Thank you for understanding and sending me that link. XO
Does your state have an adoption resource center through the state? Here in MA we do, and from what i can see (starting our journey!!), post-adoption resources are abundant for adopting families: family groups, mom groups, dad groups, play groups, therapists for child/parent/family, and more. They are often subsidized (and with how quick he’ll be growing ,you will be glad for extra sneaker money!) and have had decades of experience with adoption families. In ma, we have ones that are available for solely cross-ethnicity adoption issues. And, i agree with above- most kids his age are often “charming” in public and “damn near possessed” with their moms. 🙂 we’ll keep praying for you!
Yes. We experienced similar behavior from our adopted child who was traumatized in a birth home. Charming with others and wild with us. Even more aggressive with me. Get help now. We thought our adopted child would outgrow this stage. By fifth grade it escalated. God cares. God provides.
I can’t imagine all the emotions he feels. 3-4 year old boys can be a challenge in the best of upbringings! I have been praying for your family and love that we have been along for the journey. You are doing a great job. Although we are not dealing with the same circumstances, I have 3 sweet boys, and the thing I have learned in tantrums and being at my limits is “love covers.” Its not always a perfect path and some things are just hard but love covers a whole lot of mistakes and emotions. In time, your love (and Gods) is going to bring out the best in your son! It’s going to cover a rough start and a huge transition. Praying for you! Thank you for sharing your journey. I love reading the updates!
Prayers for your family today. May God give you all a peace that passes understanding.
Hang in there – you are doing great! My nephew and his wife have adopted two toddlers from China and now, several, years later their girls have adjusted. Your life has changed and Stevenson’s world has been turned upside down. It will take time but will be so worth it!
Wow, already 8 weeks! Sweet P looks so happy in all of the pictures and videos you post but I can imagine this transition is not all smiles and picture perfect. Parenting is hard when it’s a typical, “normal” situation. Clearly adopting a toddler from another country and introducing him to an entirely different world is going to have a lot of bumps. Reaching out to other parents in the same situation is a wonderful idea. Finding a therapist who is the right fit for your family is also a wonderful idea. This sometimes difficult period is just one chapter of the story. Hang in there Layla and Kevin. You are amazing parents and that little boy of yours will turn out just fine.
Hi Layla!
I am SO appreciative of your transparency in the difficulties of adoptions. Having a sister adopted form trauma, I knew it was going to be harder than a lot of people think, and I was curious how open you would be about it. I’m sure you already know about the “Flight, Fright or Freeze” response form kids from trauma. My sister is FLIGHT and the first several months she was home she would bolt out into the woods, it was so scary! My parents were counseled to create “safe places” for her to run to, so under the bed was one. They set up a little corner in her closet to be one, and a little area outside in their garden. Any time she needed to escape she could go to one of those safe places. It REALLY helped!! It sounds like your son is a FIGHTER! I have some good friends who’s daughter was also a fighter and things could get pretty intense. They actually lead the adoption care training at our church and I’m sure they would love to talk to you about anything your facing! I’d love to get you in touch with them if you would like 🙂
Continued prayers for the transition.
Just a quick comment, our little angels always seemed to regress when they took on something new. Nothing to compare to what your little guy is going through. A little confusing at first, then we were more prepared as time went on.
You guys are such an amazing family. I know you are handling it with grace and love.
My Haitian daughter has been home 3 months. Things are starting to improve. Someone told me that it would take 3 months for everyone to feel normal again and I think that is true.
Absolutely agree, my son is from Eastern Europe, 5 years old, as soon as he could communicate in English everything went much better.
Have faith! And PATIENCE *smile*
LOVE
Alicia
No experience of adoption but instead a troubled upbringing. I wanted to say that therapy is such a positive choice. It doesn’t mean you have failed, or that he is bad or that somehow is unfixable. Therapy is a very healthy and helpful way to come to terms with change and behaviour and fitting into the world and being happy.
It is so brave of you to get stuck into this when he is young. My family pretended nothing was wrong so I never got the help I needed when I was young. Now I see a fantastic therapist regularly and my growth is positive.
It s a little like braces or any other sort of physical/mental help. Much cheaper to get it done when young and easier to forget the battles, but he’ll be truly grateful when he is grown. Also remember that a therapeutic relationship needs to be one of instinctive trust so you might have to try a few to find someone you click with. No matter how good they are or people say they are, they might not be a fit for you. This is just one other way you’ll fight like a tiger to see him happy and healthy. Hang in there ?
Bless your heart 🙂 I can only imagine how it must feel to be in a new country, learning a new language, not understanding how your new world and parents work. He’s so little, and it’s only been weeks. I’m not surprised at all, and I know you both aren’t either. Hang in there kiddo!
Hi Layla,
Steevenson is so handsome! He sounds so very bright, too.
We had a divorce/remarriage situation with my step daughter. I’m not sure if it was attachment issues exactly, but she had horrible melt downs that would last hours and she became very physical. She was about 4.5 at the time that it started. Therapy really helped our family a lot. Not only our daughter, but also my husband and I. It especially helped us to get an outside view on how situations should be handled. We didn’t always agree on the best course of action so that guidance was great. Make sure that you find a therapist that understands you and your situation. Don’t feel bad about changing to someone new if you don’t feel a connection with them.
You’re doing a great job, mama! Hang in there.
Sending hugs!
I raised three special needs kids and I applaud your openness and your willingness to be a learner. Not only will you be able to gain wisdom and knowledge and be able to help you precious son through a difficult time but you are setting a fabulous example for your son of how to handle difficult challenges when it comes his time as an adult to work through his own difficulties. As I have looked back I can see that those who brushed off warning signs not only had more difficult time raising children, but now their children are mostly doing the same thing and reaping more of the same difficulties. I can not claim that my children always make choices I am proud of, but they are still young adults, but what I am proud of is that they are learners and they are not afraid of looking outside of their comfort zones to find new insights, and that gives me hope that they will come to hear the Holy Spirits voice more often as they grow older.
Having children that don’t fit in the average mold became just as much about being a diplomat with others as it was about becoming an effective parent, not something that was natural to me at all, but the most important thing I learned as far as “outsiders” was concerned was to listen with humility and be open to new ideas, even if the speaker did not seam to truly grasp our situation, and then go with my gut (ie: that still small voice).
Your doing great, keep up the good work and continue to stay flexible.
Layla, your journey has touched me so. I’m not sure why…I have not adopted, have my own biological grown kiddos and am now loving grandbabies. Please know that your heart is felt and that I feel so compelled to pray for your sweet family, for peace in the midst of your storms and for you to see and feel God’s hand on your home and family. Thank you so much for sharing and being so transparent and humble. Keep the faith, listen to your heart. You are the perfect family for Steevenson….it is so evident. Take care and may God send you just what you need when you need it.
Hi Layla,
Am compelled to share as I have followed your long adoption journey. So happy you have your beautiful son. I was recently turned on to a extremely helpful book and therapeutic approach regarding any children who have been traumatized and especially those who have been adopted.”The Connected Child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive family” by Karyn B. Purvis. Basically, what most people consider “normal” ways of discipling and teaching a child with issues just does not work in these cases. I so wish I had had this book years ago when my children were young. I have two adopted children from Guatemala who are now teenagers. their younger years were lovely and smooth but once pre-puberty hit … I won’t go into details but awful does not even begin to describe. We had 5-6 years of extremely bad issues that effected the entire family due to our oldest son. Please consider checking out this book and I understand that they have seminars from time to time. The awareness that they present may save you much anguish in the long run.
Best to you,
Dear Layla,
I am very proud of you and your husband. It is clear you are truly loving and kind parents. I am praying for you all, and wish you the happiest, healthiest, most healing transition. It can happen, and for you and your family, I believe it will.
Sincerely,
Mary
Layla,
My stepson was eight when his mother died of cervical cancer. His father was deployed to Iraq that year, so it was just us. He had horrible meltdowns, at home and at school. He attacked kids, threw things in classrooms, did damage to our walls, punched our dog and choked me. We were in therapy at the time. We used safe spaces, a feelings chart, and drawing to help him be more aware of his feelings. For the meltdowns, I would sit quietly on the floor in his room or outside the door and let him rage until he wore himself out. He has dietary restrictions, but I would always keep a Sprite in the fridge, because something about the fizzy drink would calm him down. So if I could, I would get him to sit alone at the dining table and drink his Sprite, and he would level out. The school counselor would use that as well. Slowly, things got better and he learned to talk about what he was feeling instead of raging on us. Three years later, I adopted him. He’s 15 now, and we have an amazing mother-son relationship. Pray, be patient, ask for help, and definitely go to therapy. You will be okay.
Layla, I agree with so many who have already written that your openness is pivotal. Sharing with others just gets you past some of those sad isolating thoughts that the enemy loves for us to torment ourselves with. I have written you before, I have 3 bio children and have fostered 5. When going through behavioral issues that threatened to drag me down, my husband, who is such a rock, would always say “remember it’s the long haul we’re looking at not the short haul”. Try to not take things personally, give yourself as many breaks as you need and can get, do what you have to do to keep yourself healthy. Seek godly counsel. And keep the words of Jeremiah 29:11 close to your heart – they pertain to both you and Steevenson <3
Yikes I’m almost afraid to comment after some others harsh replies. Lol….love the internet.
Anyways. I love seeing your posts on your son. He is adorable and its fascinating to watch a child learn. Don’t be too stress on the bathroom issues. My daughter went thru a phase around 3 1/2. Drove me insane. Another mom told me to relax and just let it go and she would relax and start using the potty again. And she was right. Changes have a funny way of making kids change behaviors. Also rule out any medical issues. Either way he will over come it soon. Good Luck.
After having spent time with my darling and his elderly father who is a pain in the rear end, in another country, out of my comfort zone, and being ill, with nothing to remind me of home, and trying to be pleasant all the time AND feeling like I was a fish out of water, I too, understand that feeling of rage and incompetence in expressing all the stuff going on. So I can EASILY imagine what it must be like for a little kid.
I speak Aussie and you guys all speak American. It is the same language English but worlds apart. I kept getting frustrated at having to constantly figure out what to say before I said it and it was tiring. After a month of this on top of all the other stresses I had I was knackered. I had the demands of not being able to express how I felt and it boiled over one day. I got narky, teary and over worked up but I STILL couldn’t express how I really felt, but then one night I figured it out; I wanted my comfort of my home back here in Australia, but I really wanted to be with my lovely man there in USA. I was torn between what I was familiar with and then the conflicting emotion of being somewhere which was exciting and different and with the man I love.
So my point is; I understand Steevenson’s feelings. He is trying to fit in and it is all too much some days for him. The old ways of familiarity are comforting, but he wants to stay with you guys, but all that new and exciting learning of everything can be pretty darned tiring. Hang in there guys, adjustments for everyone can be very tiring. (When I brought my baby son home when my daughter was two years old, she too cracked it big time after 2 months. She too had the conflicting issues of same but different situation.)
You guys are doing a wonderful job and I know it is hard on you all but I am sure with some guidance (whomever you choose to give that to you) will be of a beneficial help. Sometimes we need fresh eyes to help us lead the way.
God bless!
Layla,
I have been a blog follower from the very beginning but I rarely comment. And I have an adopted child. I am so impressed with your willingness to share the ups and the downs. I also know that what works for other kids, doesn’t not apply to these kiddos. I had two biological boys and I had to parent my daughter differently to build trust and attachment. And it was HARD some days, weeks and months. But it was all worth it. I hope you can find the support you need. People who have not adopted won’t get it. They can’t. They will offer advice but take it with a grain of salt and smile and find advice from adoption and attachment specialists. It’s a different ball of wax. I am praying for you and am here if you ever want to email or talk. I promise~it gets easier.
You and Kevin are amazing, just the fact that you are both working so hard to make his transition as smooth as possible and willing to do whatever it takes to help him with the difficulties, really shows that you are the best parents for this child.
These may be extremely frustrating times, so allow yourself to cry and punch some pillows every once in awhile, I know I do!
Love to u and your little family:) Remember the 2 months leading up to bringing your little guy home seemed like forever…now, 2 months just flies by.
I have quietly followed your journey with your beautiful boy. I am the the mother of four beautiful boys. It is impossible to put into words the joy and the heartache. But I can tell you joy ALWAYS wins. My two youngest came to us through foster care. One of them (he was two when placed with us) went through what you are describing and much more. The rage was frightening. Love and an amazing therapist got us through. She became an extension of our family. My son is now 19. It was never easy but always worth it. A good therapist can help all three of you. All the best. Becky
You also might want to refer to attach-china.org. My daughter was 15 months old when we adopted her from China, so a good bit younger than Steevenson, but we had some similar issues. We used holding time with her (not the extreme version that gets such horrified reviews now), and had miraculous results. If that hadn’t worked, we would definitely have sought professional help. Steevenson might be too big for the gentle holding time we used, but FWIW, my adopted child is 16 now and thriving. She is probably the most attached of my three, and the other two are our biological kids! Just remember when you’re researching that a child’s having attachment issues is not the same thing as having RAD. Not every child who does not fully and instantly attach goes on to have RAD! I don’t know if this is still the thinking or not, but 15 years ago, we were told that children attach to one person at a time, not to both parents at the same time, so we worked on MY attachment with her first, and then my husband’s. We made sure that she had one primary contact and provider (me). Anything that interfered with our bonding was postponed, so no babysitters, no church nursery, no giving her medicine that she fought, etc. We also were advised by other parents to treat her as younger than she is for a while to give her time to catch up and go through the stages of infancy with us. The point of all of this is that we learned a lot of useful, day-to-day tips from other adoptive parents, so if you have adoptive parent email lists or anything like that, you can probably get a lot of tips there that you can implement right away. Anyway, best of luck to all three of you. You’ll get there!
Layla,
My daughter is a foster mom to children in emergency placement situations. I totally understand the fits you are talking about….the endless ones that can go on for hours…I was a preschool director for many, many years and these type of fits are so different from your average “terrible 2’s” type of fit……and you are correct about their strength…it almost doubles during these rages…I hope you are able to find a great resource to help you, Kevin and Steevenson get through these trauma fits as I know they can create a “walking on eggshells’ situation at home that is not fair to your loving little family….prayers lifted sweetie…
Thank you for sharing about your journey. I hope every day is better and easier for your Sonny and you all as a family. Just as your journey to adoption likely helped and inspired a lot of people, I am sure that your journey through adoption will be helpful and inspiring. Much love!!!
From an adoptive mama to another- I’ve been there. And I empathize. I stand with you. My daughter joined us at 3 years old from Uganda. She’s been with us for 2 1/2 years now. And we are still learning and growing together. Feel free to email me if you’d like!
Hi Layla,
I lived in Haiti working at an orphanage when I was 19. I just want to say how awesome it is that you have taken several trips to Haiti to let the attachment between you and your son grow. From what I saw in Haiti, this was such an important step to the adoption process. I know you waited for so long for him and now you have him and it is presenting a new set of challenges. The work you are doing is so important. Don’t lose heart or be too hard on yourself, you are doing an amazing job loving on your little boy. Sounds like you are concerned for your son and only want what is best for him, that is all anyone can ask of a parent.
Much love,
Janine
Layla,
A good book to read is, The Absorbent Mind by Maria Montessori
I took this parenting class at my sons school and this is just an example… But my Daughter has tantrums so, I took a class because I needed some help and one of the things that they suggested was to give her choices rather than always telling her what to do. And I never realized that as a parents I’m always doing that. So, now I always give her a choice. Do you want the blue cup or the red cup? Do you want to put on your pants or your shirt first? Which shoe are you going to put on first? (That one has really saved us!!) She rarely has a fit now, because she pretty much makes everything a choice on her own. If she does have a fit, I sit on the ground with her and I tell her I’m sorry she’s frustrated and upset, but when she calms down we can talk about it. She usually calms down when when she doesn’t we sing the Daniel Tiger song. “When you’re feeling mad and you wanna ROAR!! Take a deep breath… (((sigh))) and count to 4. One… two… three… four…”
I hope this helps.
I think you’re doing an amazing job though. 🙂