“You make yourself strong because it’s expected of you. You become confident because someone beside you is unsure. You turn into the person others need you to be.”
-Jodi Picoult
Happy Friday, friends!
I thought it might be interesting (helpful?) to start a post about some of the things I know now, that I didn’t know right before we brought Steevenson home (at age four), 14 months ago. I can think of a handful of people I know personally that are about to bring home a toddler-age or older child via international adoption, and I’m hoping this information might be helpful to them, and to anyone else who is in the same place.
A lot of the things I share here (and as I add to this list) might also be applicable to toddler-age or older child who was born and raised up in the “traditional” way, and some of it might speak best to a person who hasn’t ever been a parent before. Either way, I’m just sharing what I know now, that I didn’t in the days before Steevenson came home.
And if you are in the same boat (near the end of your first international adoption journey)- congratulations!! I’m so excited you’re about to cross to the finish beginning line! International adoption is definitely a marathon, but obviously every child of God is worth the wait and work it takes to bring them home.
At this point, you’ve likely read and researched everything you can get your hands on about adoption, or a certain country, or a certain special need. You’ve likely been questioned numerous times, by numerous people over the past several months or years. You’ve likely sat through one or more mandatory adoption education sessions and/or conferences featuring information about malnutrition, abandonment, neglect, sexual and other abuses, violent anger, and unpredictable procedural delays. You’ve likely filled out mountains and mountains of paperwork, and driven to appointments in several different counties in your state. You’ve likely been evaluated by psychologists, and examined by doctors. And if you’ve already been allowed to travel for a socialization visit, you may have even been interviewed (extensively) by social workers in both your home country and the one your child currently lives in. A country that likely feels very different from your own.
I can remember all of those things like they just happened yesterday. Probably partly because it wasn’t that long ago, but also because the whole process (from start to finish) was so different from any other process I have ever experienced in my life. Kind of like being pregnant and on a roller coaster for three years and nine months!
And the ride got a lot wilder and moved a lot faster after Steevenson came home, so here’s a list of some of the things my current self would tell myself right before we brought him home:
1. Fear can (and will) look more like anger, rejection and aggression.
Yes, you’ve visited Steevenson three separate times already, and it has given you a chance to get to know him a little, and vice versa. And because his caregivers at the orphanage have continually prepped him about his upcoming adoption, and he has seen several other kids go home with their adoptive parents over the past few years, he has always been enthusiastic when you showed up or whenever you talked about becoming a family and living together in your home.
The homecoming trip will feel very different with him though. It will be as if he really, for the first time, understands that something HUGE and world-changing is about to happen to him. Again. For the second time in his short four years of life.
But here’s the (unexpected) thing. His fear will look different than nervousness, panic or fright. His fear will look more like anger, rejection and aggression. His fear will tell him not to look at you, talk to you, touch you, or let you touch him. His fear will tell him he’ll feel safer behind a scowl. That things would feel less chaotic if he tunes the sound of you and Kevin out. His fear will encourage him to freeze when you need him to move, and to thrash when you’re forced to pick him up. The sides of his face will become shields, protecting him from the attention of your “forever faces”. His silent treatments will be bulletproof and his desire to bond only with the other (precious) family who travels with you will cut more than marrow deep. You and Kevin will never be more terrified of the future than you are while you’re there that homecoming week. Remember this: Steevenson is feeling the same way.
And no matter how much you long for the experience to be a blast for him, fear emerges in response to threats of pain, the presence of predators, or because something is simply unfamiliar. And make no mistake- this experience is A LOT more than unfamiliar to him. He has no *real* idea of what’s happening, where he’s going, or what to expect.
Now. Let’s talk a bit about what that looks like once you all get home.
For the past few years, Steevenson has learned to depend exclusively on his nanny caregivers at the orphanage for survival and protection—both physical and emotional. But once he’s home, without the support of his trusted caregivers to help him regulate the strong emotions he’s going to be feeling, he’s going to experience overwhelming stress, and for many reasons, he won’t have the ability to effectively communicate what he feels or needs. He will develop symptoms that you don’t understand and he will display uncharacteristic behaviors that you won’t know how to appropriately respond to. His confused and highly-agitated presence will impact you greatly, and the relationship between the two of you will be strongly affected at different points throughout the day for quite some time.
Do your best to remember that, in a lot of scenarios, especially in the first couple of months, he is afraid…and that fear always triggers a fight or flight response. Do your best to remember that he is desperately fighting for control of every.little.thing because the people who used to control his every little thing are gone, and as far as he knows, he needs to take care of and protect himself now.
Sure you will have mental and emotional break downs, and parent fails, and you will question every single decision (and regret many of the ones you made in the heat of the moment), but with time and trust, he won’t feel afraid, or default to the fight response, and he will have the ability to tell you what he’s feeling.
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2. Plan what you want bedtime to look like now.
At this point, you haven’t thought a whole lot about what bedtime is going to look like that first night Steevenson comes home, but whatever you do, do not turn on the TV in your bedroom simply because things feel weird and too quiet (language barrier), and you just want everybody to get still.
Definitely don’t make the mistake of popping in your “Buddy the Elf” DVD that first night either. He will instantly become obsessed with it, and will require it (with intensity) every single night for the next 25 days. (Don’t worry. On the 26th day, you finally figure out that you can just simply unplug the DVD player and he will believe you when you tell him it’s broken.) 😉
Books and flash cards are where it’s at, and if there’s no TV to compete with them, he will be quite happy doing either before he falls fast asleep. (PS- he will sleep for 10 or 11 hours straight EVERY night!!!)
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3. Record him speaking in Haitian Creole and French.
The other adoptive parents who have already brought home their kiddos from Three Angels have told you he’ll switch from Creole and French to English fast, but it’s one thing to hear it from them, and a whole ‘nother thing to hear it coming out of your Sonny boy’s mouth. Believe it or not, just 8 short weeks after you arrive home, Steevenson will no longer remember most Haitian Creole or French words. A few months later, you’ll realize you don’t have many videos of him speaking his first (or second) language, and it will break your heart a little. Make sure you get lots of foootage before it’s too late! (PS- He’ll still say “twalèt” (toilet, pronounced twa-let), “pike” (poke, pronounced pee-kay) and “vomi” (vomit, pronounced vo-mee) at 14 months, and you and Kevin will actually start saying the last one his way, because it sounds so much nicer than puke, vomit or barf.) 😉
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4. Big emotions can (and will) make you feel very small.
Sure, you went through a lot of adoption training, watched lots of videos and read lots of books about the kinds of things that *may* happen once Steevenson comes home. You heard about the kinds of things you may think, the kinds of things you may say, and the types of behaviors you may experience. Educators and authors have flooded you with information and advice so that you have an idea of what to (probably) expect. But one thing you aren’t fully prepared for right now, but it’s not possible, is how all of those big thoughts, emotions, and behaviors will actually feel, and cause you to actually react.
During your first six months of motherhood, you will feel too small. Like your head is too weak for the weight of some thoughts, your heart is not cut out for the complexity of some emotions, and that your spirit will surely snap because of the intensity of some behaviors. You will feel like your body wasn’t built for this.
But here’s the thing: No matter how heavy, vast or stressful the mental and emotional load, millions of new parents–both the adoptive and biological variety– have thought, felt and experienced the very same things. And while knowing that won’t help you coast through the stress and anxiety of your (rocky) new relationship with ease, talking with other parents will help you to feel less alone.
Talk to other parents who have adopted older children via international adoption. Don’t end each day feeling broken, beat-up, and barely hoping because it feels easier to not reach out. Lean on and glean advice from other parents who know *exactly* what you and your babe are going through. Their love and support will feel like heaven-sent, in-the-flesh, “new mercies afresh” every time. (Lamentations 3:22-23)
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5. Fill Steevenson’s “yes bucket” as often as possible.
During the first several months that Steevenson is home, you will have countless opportunities to bond with him through the power of yeses. In other words, give him some control when it comes to things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme.
If he wants a second popsicle, let him have it. If he wants to wear winter gloves and rubber rain boots to the Waffle House on a sunny day, let him. Because you’ve never been a parent, and you’ve been told over and over that he won’t feel safe if he doesn’t know you’re in control, you will feel like you need to stand your ground on everything right when he gets home. You’ve also been told that he won’t respect any boundaries ever if you bend on them in the beginning, but that really isn’t true. And, trust me, not allowing him these small freedoms isn’t worth the major (sometimes hours long) meltdowns that will ensue if you don’t. Not giving in on not-super-important kinds of things in the early stages of your relationship isn’t going to encourage attachment, it will only delay it. Being flexible with these not-a-big-deal-in-the-grand-scheme kinds of opportunities will give him some sense of control and some decision-making power, which ultimately, will help him feel more comfortable with and bonded to you. Hearing and acknowledging some of his desires, even if they’re not always ideal or timely, demonstrates fairness and understanding- two very important parts of building trust in any relationship.
And although it won’t seem like it at first (because he will desperately fight for control over almost everything because his world feels so out of control) he does need and want to know that you’re in control…no matter how much he acts like he doesn’t. (Or tells you he’s the boss when he’s mad.)
Also, with time, he will learn to relinquish control on things that are actually important because: A) you won’t ever bend on those (no matter how many major melt downs you have to get through first), and B) he will get used to bending in return if you give him some control on the things that don’t *really* matter in the grand scheme, but that matter a lot to him.
Another thing to keep in mind: he may always want a second popsicle, but I doubt he will want to wear rainbow-striped gloves and yellow rubber rain boots to the Waffle House when he’s older. 😉
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6. Transitions will be the toughest.
Transitions will still be challenging at 14 months home, but in the beginning, even moving from one room to another will prove to be a *very* big deal sometimes. In Steevenson’s (short) life, transitions have sometimes equaled trauma, so “switching gears” too quickly will often send him to a really uncomfortable place. And because his fear will mostly look like anger, defiance, and aggression in the first six months, transitioning from one thing to the next (or to a new place, or at a different time) will land all three of you in a really uncomfortable place if you don’t stretch them out.
Make it your mission to help him adjust to changes in environment by giving him plenty of time to regulate. Countdowns are mandatory. Do your best to help him understand each day’s routine in advance and prepare him (repeatedly) in advance when new or different activities are going to occur. He will thrive on consistent, predictable patterns each day. He won’t always act like it, but it will help him in the long run, and as he grows up.
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7. Get a mini trampoline.
He won’t want to stay inside your house much when he first gets home (too many feelings) but after a while, he’ll only want to play inside. Roll with it and try not to take his initial response to your house personally. (He’s afraid, and your home reminds him that he’s not at his previous home anymore)
Around month #6, when he starts his “inside only phase”, one of the most helpful ways to help him stay active and burn off lots of energy indoors will be to get him a mini trampoline. He will jump on it while he watches movies, or wants to dance & sing, or when he’s trying to get from one sofa to the other without touching the hot lava on the floor…which he will do a lot. 🙂 They’re only $50 and it will be so worth the investment because he will use it so much more than you’d ever imagine.
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8. Being around, or even seeing, children will be extremely hard at first.
Your Sonny boy’s relationships with the other 12 kids at the orphanage mean so much more to him than you know. Right now, he’s the oldest (out of 12) and the nannies have nicknamed him “ti paran” (little parent) because he is so joyfully passionate about helping them take care of, love on, and play with his younger “siblings” or any children that come to visit the orphanage from the States.
You would think he’d be ecstatic to meet and play with other children once he gets home, but he will have the opposite reaction. At first he won’t even want to see or hear them. If you’re driving closer to a group of them, he will want to go a different way. Eventually, he will be curious enough to go near them, but he will completely shut down in their presence and he will go somewhere else mentally. You’ll know it by the look in his faraway eyes.
And then at a certain point, things will flip-flop, and you’ll see some of his deepest wounds come to the surface. He will, all of a sudden, want to be around them, and only them, and when it’s time to break away from a play date or group of kids having fun outside (because everyone’s leaving, or it’s bedtime, etc), you will have to physically carry him away (because he will refuse to leave). You will see fear look, sound and feel like rage for several hours afterwards sometimes. And for a while,*you’ll* be the one who wants to go in a different direction whenever you see children up ahead. :-/
At 14 months home, playing with children will still be his favorite activity, but it won’t be as hard for him to leave them and he will want to come home when he’s tired or it’s starting to get dark outside. Picking him up from school will be a challenge almost every day though, because breaking away from his all-day friends will be sort of like ripping a Band-aid off over and over again.
But take heart, he will have come so, so far at 14 months, and the more times you show him that you will always take him to school (and pick him up) and that there will always be neighbor kids to play with after school and on the weekends, the more he will trust in permanence, and be relieved that he can loosen his super-tight grip on his favorite friendships.
(Sonny boy with his class and the teacher’s intern- October 2017)
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9. Inviting people (even relatives) into your house will be extremely hard for all of you at first.
Make sure everyone in your life takes the 10-12 week cocooning period your adoption agency recommends very seriously. Don’t feel pressured to have guests, friends or family come inside your home during that first 3 months. Not only will it be extremely stressful for you (because you’re going to feel like you’re living in the Twilight Zone), it will be monumentally overwhelming for Steevenson.
Allowing people into your home too soon will trigger feelings in him that none of you understand, but it will be more than obvious very quickly that he feels threatened by their presence, which will make him uneasy, angry and/or cause him to retreat upstairs.
Being firm about your decision not to allow folks in for at least a few months will help prevent a highly awkward and stressful situation. Be intentional about telling as many people in advance that you can’t have visitors for a while (you’ll let them know when you can) and give cocooning information to any friends or family members that have a hard time understanding why it’s so important. (Because there will be people that *really* struggle to understand!) 😉
At 14 months, you will be celebrating birthdays, having play dates, and inviting folks over as often as you want and Steevenson will be more than excited to show every single visitor (even the electrician) how to play with his toys. 🙂
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10. The names “mama” and “daddy” may be tricky…for longer than you’d think.
At almost 14 months home, Sonny boy will still call you “Daddy” (or “Daddy-mama” because he realizes he said it wrong and quickly corrects himself) several times a day. He will call Kevin “Mama” and “Mama-daddy” constantly too.
He will also still call other kids’ parents “mama” and “daddy” sometimes too- I think because they’re taught to call every adult “mama” or “papa” at the orphanage.
Will it feel good that he doesn’t remember your “name” after you’ve spent more than 400 days together? Nope. Will it sting when you hear him call other women “mama” even though you constantly remind him or her of their names? Absolutely.
But remember: It’s all about intention. He’s not *intentionally* getting the names mixed up. He’s accidentally getting the names mixed up. It may take longer than expected, but your job is to lovingly help him remember which name goes with which person. Doing so will help strengthen your bond as his mama and daddy. Reacting like he’s intentionally getting the names mixed up will only weaken it.
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11. Be prepared to wear him to bed each night.
You will go home with very little information about how Steevenson sleeps. (You actually won’t even know his night nanny’s name until the last day you’re in Haiti. You’ve been thinking it was a gal named Carinne, but it’s not. It’s Noelle…whom you’ve never met because you’re not allowed to stay at the orphanage past 5pm.) You’ve never laid down in bed with him at night so you don’t know how much he craves physical touch in order to fall asleep. Starting with your very first night together in the hotel in Haiti. When he gets tired enough, he will crawl completely on top of you and fall fast asleep. His entire body will be plastered to yours. No part of him will touch the mattress. Even though he’s mad at you- he will still want to fall asleep this way.
At 14 months home he will be over three inches taller and weigh almost 50 lbs, but he will still find a way to fit his entire frame on top of yours. He runs (Haitian) hot, so he won’t want any covers. He will sweat til you’re soaked. But before that, most nights he will “priyè” (pree-ay), and thank God for “mama, and daddy, and that mama and daddy came to get me when I was a baby, and that mama and daddy took me on the airplane for I could come home, and for I could go to school, and for I could go to Chuck E. Jesus, and thank you God for Granmè Katie and Granpè Jim, and Granmè Jude and Granpè Randy, and for my toys, and for TV and for our house and for edge-re-thing…in Jesus name, amen”.
This time of connection with him will soothe your soul and cultivate a closeness that feels Divine. Cherish it…while he’s small enough to stretch out on you. 🙂
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12. Give him grace.
Kids that experience early childhood trauma have a history of hurt we can’t erase. They consciously or subconsciously know what it’s like to permanently slip away from their birthmother’s arms, and often their foster mother’s or nanny/caregiver’s too. Steevenson has experienced that dizzying tumble from familiarity and security twice. When it comes to attachment- give him grace.
A child’s brain gets re-wired when his or her basic needs have not been met or are messed with. And although much of his first year of life is a mystery, you do know that he came to the orphanage severely malnourished. He may remember what it’s like to not know when or who (if anyone) will attend to his needs, and they say the brain actually changes physiologically when children suffer this kind of deprivation. When it comes to food- give him grace.
Sadly, but understandably, kids that have experienced multiple caregiver changes have issues with settling in. When he first gets home, Steevenson will be too young and linguistically unable to express his needs verbally, and it’s going to be your job to help him cope with the loss of his former life. It will be your job to help him build trust in you to meet his needs, and to reassure him that this family is for keeps. He doesn’t know how to “do traditional family”. When it comes to being a son- give him grace.
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Okay y’all, this is getting pretty lengthy, but there are so many more things I’d like to add. I may just turn it into a downloadable e-book or PDF or something. (?) We’ll see how it keeps coming together. In the meantime, please feel free to comment below with any thoughts or questions you may have, and thanks so much for swinging by to check out what I shared today!
Layla
Thank you Layla for sharing your heart, soul and vulnerability. My daughter is the love of my life and I so appreciate hearing about your love for Steeveneson. I always love it when you write about more than just the decorating side of life.
And now I’m crying.
Layla, You’re a brave and wise lady! Thank you for sharing your heart and struggles. It has impacted me to read this, though I don’t have the words right now to really talk about it. I will say that what I’ve learned about super hard difficulties that we’d never wish to go through, is they seem to teach us these deep life things that we wouldn’t otherwise learn. May the three of you be blessed beyond belief!
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and insight, and most assuredly your love for Steevenson. That God has picked such special people as yourself to help children in your son’s situation is so overwhelmingly emotional, I can hardly breathe! God bless your little family and hold you tightly in His arms.
Beautiful post. I am a great grandmother. How little did I know what transpires in an adoption. Bless you for your courage and fortitude and love.
This was so good. You have such incredible understanding in such a short amount of time. Much of this is similar to a foster adopt situation.
Thanks for sharing your heart…. Wow & the journey continues! God has and will continue to bless all three of you. You are doing good mama!
What a beautifully written post…bought tears to my eyes…for your sweet boy and his mama and papa. I have faith that you have an awesome family in the works. Continued prayers.
You should definitely write a book! You have great advice.
Beautiful thoughts and advice Layla. Thank you for sharing your heart and what have no doubt been some of the most difficult challenges you have faced. I know this will bless many. I pray you and all those faced with these same challenges “grow not weary while doing good, for in due season you shall reap if you do not lose heart” -Galatians 6:9
And just look at him now! Congratulations, so happy for the 3 of you!
Thanks so much for this. We are starting the adoption process soon and reading this actually puts my fears at ease. It means so much that you took the time to write all of this out and share your personal story 🙂 XO
Beautiful post and wisdom. I enjoyed reading it personally and as a former play therapist that dealt with attachment issues in a Christian non profit residential treatment program. Praying for the continued growth and blessing of your beautiful family!
Layla, thank you for educating all of us in his/your acclimation process and experiences…even those that are not adoptive parents can use it to support those that are. xo
Wishing you and your sweet, loving family special grace and blessings. Thank you for sharing your story.
As a mom of a mid seventies adopted 2 year old daughter from Korea, I wish I had been given more help/coaching/encouragement….whew it was like working in the dark. Some bumps along the way but our 43 year girl is the best!
Thank you… so much, thank you. We are waiting for our little man now (domestic foster-adoption) and it feels good to read your words. Which battles to let him win, when to stand your ground… how to approach it all. And to hear – it gets better. I’m reminded by your words of something our adoption educator said to us ‘for you, it’s exciting… for him, it’s terrifying. live in his shoes for a while… and he will grow into yours.’ A fellow foster-adoptive parent told me : this journey? it keeps you humble. and makes you kinder. kinder to others, and kinder to yourself.
THANK YOU!
Such excellent advice/information. So much of what you said can be applied in any new parent situation and I applaud you for opening yourself up and putting it all out there. I have an almost 8 year old – biological – son, and yet I find your words provide an insight into his world despite the fact he wasn’t adopted. Just think how much those little minds don’t understand! You have some great insight here into how the mind of little ones work and what we, the adults in their world, can do to help them along the way.
I absolutely agree! Most of your advice was so pertinent to any parent – biological or adoptive. “Pick your battles” is a good example. Oy. You really should consider writing s book Layla! I’m sure it would resonate with so many parents.
Finishing our Dossier for Haiti currently and I needed this. Even with two biological kids at home this is a whole new ballgame! Thank you for being honest! ❤️
I don’t have children and don’t plan to but I read every word of this. Thank you for being so open and loving throughout your entire journey.
Oh my goodness, you have a wonderful gift for writing from the heart. I always remind myself and others that toddlers and young children have very few ways of coping with their emotions, and sometimes it’s easier to cry or act out than to find the ways or words to explain those emotions. You have written something really special. God love you and your precious family.
Wow. Very well-written. I am not in the situation of adopting, but if I know someone who is, I will refer them to this post. Your “real” observations are invaluable. Thank you for being vulnerable. And … the prayer about Chuck E. Jesus is hilarious.
This could be written for foster parents (minus the language barrier). The trauma, anger, control, attachment, fight & flight … all the same. It’s heartbreaking for the kids and parents too.
What wonderful insight that I know you earned the hard way! I think you have been and will continue to be excellent parents to your sweet boy. I love how God puts families together in so many different ways! He is good!
It is nice to hear about your journey. I hope God continue to bless your family. Even if he doesnt speak french or creole, he will understand the language (you can test his understanding by having someone speak french or creole to him, if you ever meet one. He will understand but he will not be able to answer. I was like that but eventually I learned to speak creole again. French is too difficult). I am planning to adopt myself. But I have to wait until I am 30 years old :(. I do not mind because thats what I’ve always wanted since I was a child. I am soo Happy for steevenson’s new family. It is a blessing from heaven.
Thank you for commenting, Marie. Unfortunately, he doesn’t understand any Creole or French now. (We ask him certain words and phrases from time to time.) We had really hoped he could keep his other languages, but when you’re struggling to connect and attach, language kind of gets pushed to the back burner. 🙁 I am so thrilled to hear you’re feeling called to adopt too! It is absolutely a blessing from Heaven!
Thank-you for writing this, in such a way that it shares the experience, as if from two different perspectives. Yours and his. It is very eye opening to someone who has been following this process of yours from afar for literally ,”years”. As much as I wanted it to have an “instant” happy ending, once he was home, I hope that by sharing this with others they can understand, that is not always the case , but that there is HOPE for a wonderful future ahead. It seems that much progress has already been made, even though so many times, it has been so difficult. I am so glad that you felt strong enough to share this with us , and give us all a chance to see things from a realistic perspective. How strong you ALL have been!
Thank you, Renee! Some days, and in the heat of the moment, it’s hard to see the progress- but if I take even one *teeny* step back, or breath of fresh air, it is abundantly clear how far we’ve come. PTL! 🙂
This is a post I didnt know I was waiting to read. It makes so much sense and tugs my heart for you all. You defenitely need to write a book. Your writing is so clear and will be a window into so many things and feelings that parents go through when adopting. Some of the feelings you wrote about can be associated to any child that has gone through trauma in general. I think you and kevin are a blessing a stevenson too. I send so much love your way and keep you in my thoughts in prayers. Xoxoxoxo
Thank you, Belinda. I appreciate your kind comment so much! XO
Layla, this is so beautiful and so incredibly informative and eloquent. I am a mother of four that I birthed and three stepchildren. Two of my three steps were grown and gone when their father and I married. The other one was 3. Reading this reminded me SO INCREDIBLY MUCH of mothering my bonus boy in the first couple of years. He is now eleven and things are amazing. However, if he is away from us for more than a weekend, it is still sometimes a challenge to get him back to feeling safe and secure.
Thank you for sharing your life and your heart. I have followed your journey from before I even knew you were thinking of adopting. It has been so eye-opening for me. I am so happy for you and Kevin and Steevenson. What a beautiful family God had put together.
anyone going through any form of adoption would be so blessed to not only have this to study during that part of the journey but also to read during some of “those times” as the journey progresses.
thank you
Wow. Wow. Wow.
I had known you struggled, but you have REALLY struggled, haven’t you? I have to say you and Kevin seem to be doing such a wonderful job in just loving that Steevenson so much that he has been able to navigate his new world! It’s hard enough just being a new parent; but to add all that he has had to cope with on top of it – well, I just was not expecting a lot of it. I birthed both of my girls, so have no idea what is involved with adoption. What you have expressed here makes me almost feel small in comparison. My girls are 37 and almost 40 now, and I can still get choked up when I remember how hard those first few years were; the stress, the feelings of “how will I get thru this?” and yes, the uncontrollable anger sometimes. I truly thought I knew so much going in, but I was falling short many days! Well, we made it unscathed, and my girls are a great joy and wonderful human beings! I know you all will be okay too, because the love is clearly there, and that, along with God, are all you need, truly! Keep on keeping on!
Layla, thank you thank you! We our in the process in adopting from Haiti- just waiting on our referral. We also just been placed to adopt a child in foster care (it takes a little bit for the courts to clear the adoption). It’s been so amazing, yet so hard. We are first time parents and we actually weren’t expecting to adopt another one other than from Haiti, but God let us raise two of his children and we are so blessed! We didn’t get to know anything about this little guy. They called us and asked us if we could give him a home and five days later he was in our arms. We had to figure it all out. It’s been six weeks and he is finally cuddling/hugging- showing us affection. You nailed it when you said it’s tramatic to be ripped away from your birth mom, from your foster mom, and then be right into your arms. Our adoption should be final by the first of the year and I still feel that even through all the hard times, that little smile you might get, or that little hug at night makes all the hard stuff worth it!
All the feels! My “Baby Elias” is not adopted but so much of what you write about your Sonny Boy rings true for him as well. He is such a little man of habit! When change is coming he likes to know in advance, he wants to know why, and if it’ll always be different or go back to normal. And he sleeps the same way! He crawls right up on top of me when he’s tired to sleep – even when he’s mad at me! Blessings! – Elisabeth
Your words are so honest and lovingly written. Your love for your son is so apparent, and you are such a beautiful gift to him. He is such a beautiful gift to you too. Loved every word of this.
Thoroughly enjoy reading about/hearing about other people’s adoption journey’s-the ups and downs. Our son came home with us from Haiti 3 years ago this month (17th)! He is now almost a foot taller and 45 😳 pounds heavier and turned 7 in August. An adoption journey is not for the faint of heart (although parenting in general isn’t 😂–we also have a son who’s 17 and a daughter that’s 14:). However, God is good and he does not call us to do something that he doesn’t also anoint us to do! Praying for your sweet family🙏🏼
Thank you for this! We came home with our 4 year old from China in Aug 2015. It has been a long, hard, amazing and rewarding haul.
Oh boy, I have tears running down my face.
I have followed your entire adoption journey from afar and prayed all along the way because I have fostered deeply traumatised children and know the turmoil and angst they can express for hours, days, weeks … I figured your journey wouldn’t be a piece of cake but prayed you’d have the strength and wisdom to make it to a place of health for you all.
My heart feels both broken and full of hope – broken because of what your sweet Steevenson endured (and so many other precious children), and hopeful because God placed Steevenson in your care and keeping. What an amazing blessing for you all. It sounds like you guys are tuned in to him and do your utmost to understand what his trauma ‘looks’ like.
Your great courage, nurturing and love will mend so much in Steevenson’s soul and I want to thank you for your honesty and transparency as you share the journey.
And now I’m crying again!
Thank you for sharing this part of your journey. I love this! xoxoxo 💕
Thank you for honestly and humbly sharing this. I will refer all of my friends to this if/when they begin the older child international adoption marathon. When we adopted internationally, biological brothers ages 4 and 6, we had already domestically adopted a baby (5 years earlier) and had four biological children, so we totally knew what to do and that the entirely too brief mentioning of cocooning was unnecessary. Throw in the close-nit community we moved to a few years before who painted our home while we were in Ethiopia, filled our home with gifts for us and the boys, had only five other black members – a family from the south, and who totally embraced us and wanted to meet our boys, and of course all the family within 15 minutes and our very busy lives with school, work, 4-H, etc., we royally messed up. We just figured that b/c there were two of them and because we had five other kids, that the transition would be easier and just feel like they moved from one orphanage to another. So ignorant, thoughtless, prideful and hurtful of us and we have all suffered the consequences for years. I have tried to convey the necessity of cocooning to others and nobody understands it. It is the most critical component of familial bonding outside of the obvious love, faith bit. Our older son could probably leave today and not feel like he lost anything. We begin counseling in less than a week from Dr. Ray Gaurendi (google) b/c we trust his experience with adoption and faith. We are driving 7 hours round trip for 3 hours of counseling…and will be doing this frequently to learn what we missed in our pride. God bless you and so proud of you. There is a stigma to admitting difficulty when you have waited so long and desired so greatly your child. Some of it is even placed there by ourselves. It doesn’t help the craziness!
I love your stories, and your honesty! So incredibly inspirational!
This was so well written and beautifully said that I am having trouble typing through tears! Please do share this in as many ways as you possibly can. I know that it will be helpful to so many. I adopted my daughter at the age of four months, and even then, she cried and cried when her foster mother left, and she didn’t smile for several days. I can only imagine how difficult it would be for an older child to experience such a huge transition. Parenting isn’t for cowards, but it is so worth it, and the difficult times make the sweet times so much sweeter, as you have managed to convey in such a wonderful way. Thank you.
This is gorgeous, practical, and written with a heart of love. I pray it helps many others on this journey.
Wonderful advice & insight into your journey. Have faith!
Praise God for the grace and humility to write this, to see the trials from his perspective. I can only imagine the whole experience has had everyone on their knees. Beautifully written and so informative. Thank you
My husband was adopted from the Philippines at 4 1/2 years old. He still to this day has a fight or flight response when he is full of fear. What you have said about you’re experience with Sonny is so very accurate! The best thing I have learned is to love him the best I can and to show that I am a permanent fixture in his life.
Thank you for sharing your heart in this way. Parenting is HARD, no matter how you become a parent 🙂 This is really good insight. . .praises to you and Kevin for finding God’s calling in your life!!
Thank you so much for taking the time to share these wise suggestions and personal experiences! Our five year old Haitian boy (also named Steevenson!) Will be home within a few months and we need all the prep we can get! I have so enjoyed following your journey over the past couple years! Your son is absolutely adorable! A couple questions…first with the cacooning…we are prepared not to have any family or friends over, but what about grandparents? Obviously, these kids have no idea what “grandparents” are, but when is a good time to start having them over or getting involved? Second, I remember you and Kevin sleeping on the floor of his room at first. We were thinking to have a bed set up in our room at first, and then eventually move him to his room, but would that just be one more tough transition? Would you recommend beginning in their own room? I’m sorry for all the questions! Thank you for your honesty! It will definitely benefit our expectations!
This is absolutely wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you so much for sharing. I am in tears because it is bringing me back to when we first brought home our daughter two years ago. Adoption is so soooo hard, but also so so rewarding and beautiful. Can’t wait to read more! xoxo
–Elise
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Layla, you are an amazing writer. This experience you have chosen is entirely outside anything I would choose for myself … and I think you are so brave to have chosen it. Even though this doesn’t directly relate to my life I can see the wisdom in what you have shared and feel richer for the reading. Most importantly I just want to say I am so grateful for you and Kevin, for Steevenson.
Awesome and beautiful. What you’ve written was touching and amazing to read. I am a great grandmother and have not experienced an adoption, but your article provided so much depth that it should help give insight to those who are or have. Thank you for sharing, it was a pleasure to read. God Bless you and your family